Man is furious with wife when she buys him a trip to Cancun for his 40th; 'She KNOWS this is a betrayal.' AITA?

"AITA for being mean to my wife for buying me a trip to aCancun resort for my 40th birthday?"

My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 15 of those years. That being said, my wife has been well aware that I do no like traveling (I don't mind road trips a state or two away, but that's it), I hate flying, and I really don't like surprises.

These are facts that I've made known for decades at this point. My wife, however, in the past 5 or 6 years has really started itching to travel because her friends are traveling.

Back in August, she kept insisting that our family get passports. During this whole process, I repeatedly say I don't think it's necessary because I hate traveling, but I relent when she says we may take the kids out of the country at some point in the future. In September, she told me to take November 21st and 22nd off from work.

Of course, when I ask why, she refuses to tell me. After some pressing, she says she's surprising me with a trip to a resort in Cancun for my 40th birthday. At this point, I'm floored (not in a good way).

I ask her why she did this, reiterate that I hate flying, say I wanted a simple dinner at my favorite restaurant and a video game for my bday, etc. She starts getting watery eyes and says she sold a bunch of her work's stocks to fund the trip, and I relent and say we can go to Cancun.

In October, our dog gets cancer. Treatment is freaking expensive, so I tell my wife to return the trip tickets. She says she can't because it's too late to get her money back. When I asked how much she paid, its near $2,000.

This gets me upset all over again because at this point, we're looking terrible financially, we're paying vet bills, our downstairs AC unit broke and had to be completely replaced for $7,000 back in August, and shes splurging on a Cancun trip.

I get pissed and tell her that if she had 2k to blow on a trip, she could have asked me what I actually wanted, got me a PS5, some dinner at my favorite spot, and put the rest towards our mounting debt. Again, she starts with the shaky voice and watery eyes, so, I suck it up and sell off a huge portion of my retro game collection to keep us afloat.

November, it really starts to hit me that this trip isn't even for me. SHE likes to travel, SHE likes to fly, SHE wants to go to Cancun, and my birthday is the perfect excuse to go. So I've been building up resentment about being broke with December fast approaching.

We have 2 kids, one of which is born right before Christmas, so our funds are going to be TIGHT from needing to buy presents. The whole thing comes off as her being financially irresponsible and using my birthday as an excuse to do some traveling to make HER happy.

This past week, I've been kind of a dick to her because I'm starting to build resentment here, and havent spoken to her in a week. I also randomly went out with friends and rubbed it in her face that they actually take me places i want to go. I'm also seriously considering buying her a PS5 and taking her to my favorite dinner spot for her birthday in April out.

Let's see what readers thought:

framet writes:

ESH. It's been 20yrs of catering to your extreme dislike of travel. Your wife is clearly sick of it. It was a giant ah move of her to use your bday as an excuse. You're right to be angry, but continuing to hold resentment is gong to build into divorce. So stop. Take a breath.

Tell your wife, you'll do the canccun trip and even try to enjoy yourself. But, from now on, when she wants to travel, she needs to be more transparent about it being for her. She can go on girls trips with her friends.

Take the kids on a cool a mommy-kid trip. Stuff like that. You can stay home and have some daddy-kid time, or general kid free time for video games. There are comprises available, but you two need to talk about it.

greaaaaager writes:

NTA for the valid reasons you listed but at the same time you sound like a lame ass stick in the mud all the time. She def should cancel this trip, that being said i believe it should be rescheduled to somewhere YOU want to go and you should want to go somewhere.

You come off as though youre too good to do fun things like being adventurous. If you think youre resentful of her, she probably feels exactly the same way if not more contempt and resentment from just you being lame a majority of the time.

wellmicag writes:

NTA. All these people asking if you like your wife... Well does she even like you? She bought a gift she knew damn well you would hate... Would never want to go, and is obviously for herself over you.

Then she uses manipulative tactics like crying to get out of the obvious that she bought a selfish gift for herself and used your birthday as an excuse. Id be super pissed too. Don't go.

Just plain refuse to go. Have her sell your ticket/share to a friend and recoup some of the money she selfishly spent on herself. Id also reconsider this marriage... Its obvious she doesn't care about your birthday, your feelings, or your likes.

wertoty writes:

You sound just like my husband! YTA, but I do understand it. You have anxiety and just don't want to deal with the work that goes with treating it. Why should you (is what you're thinking.)

You don't want to travel, you want to hang out with friends and play video games and do what you like to do, not waste your time and money doing what your wife wants to do.

Do you want to fix this? If so, first come to understand your wife REALLY wants to travel, and she REALLY loves you and wants you to share her passion for travel. It's not coming from a bad place, she wants to share the experience of travel WITH you.

Next, tell her you understand, you want her to have adventures, but you just don't feel capable. Ask her to substitute you on the travel plan with her sister or girlfriend, and tell her you want her to have fun! (Look, it's already paid for, the money isn't coming back, let her enjoy herself.)

Finally, do what you can to at least pretend to be okay with her having a good trip and fun traveling.

Can't do any of these things? Well, that's the first step to her figuring out you really are a selfish guy who wants what he wants, and isn't willing to be a supportive partner. Good luck with that, it's unlikely to end well for your relationship.

forag90 writes:

Wow your resentment is PALPABLE. I definitely hope you start talking to your wife soon.... this could start a cold war. ESH

This is a terrible situation to be in, made worse by the one bad decision your wife made back in August, and your many terrible small decisions since then.

Ultimately, I think you have a handle on the situation, as in, you know what your wife was thinking... where she was going with this plan that backfired.

She loves to travel and hasn't been able to because you hate it. Since having kids, I'm sure she's looked around at her life and thought, "what about all of the things I wanted to do?" and she got a bee in her bonnet to go on a trip somewhere.

"OH I KNOW!" She says to herself - WolfDawg33's bday is coming up - I'll book us something where we can get away easily and not have to worry about planning all of the small details. He can just show up, drink a beer on the beach and relax! It'll be so easy, how could he not love it?!

She shouldn't have leveraged YOUR birthday to make her desire for a trip come true. But being in a partnership also means prioritizing things your partner finds important too - like if she loves to travel and wants to do that in her life... you should support that - whether it's family trips or making accommodations so that your wife can do a little traveling.

She went about it the total wrong way, 100%. But does it make you feel good to punish her over this? Can't you tell her about your resentment?? It makes sense to be resentful, so getting it out in the open might be a relief to you both.

For the trip, if you really don't want to go... I'd honestly consider telling her to go alone and leave you at home to enjoy your birthday in peace... that sounds like a win:win.

frtowna writes:

YTA for resorting to not talking to her for a week, AND not even telling her why. Of course you can be frustrated that she planned something she would love and you would hate for your present.

But I’m guessing she felt like it was the only way she’d ever get to do it. Eesh. I’m glad you’re not my spouse. Maybe take a look at how you treat her, and how unwilling you’ve been to facilitate the achievement of her goals and dreams.

quoter writes:

My question is after your HVAC started going out, how many Lego sets did you go and buy? Your idea of fun seems to be PS5 and Legos. Yes you have told your wife you don't like to travel or leave the house from the looks of it.

So she tried to get you interested in traveling by taking you on a trip completely centered around you. Her trying to share something she likes in a way that is all about you and centered on the 2 of you relaxing and spending adult time together sounds reasonable and honestly like a last ditch effort to find some common ground.

Your ongoing months long tantrum is childish at best. When she started crying the first time you reacted poorly it should have been clued in that she really thought she was giving you a good gift and instead of taking a deep breath and realizing not everything is about you, you have chosen to rub her nose in your abundant disapproval, over and over.

Do you even like her? I wouldn't be surprised if some of those tears were simply sadness at your inability to be an adult and the realization that she's either going to have to sit around watching you play video games and building Lego and be miserable the rest of her life or file for divorce. If I were her I know which way your mean spiritedness would be pushing me. YTA.