Man furious with wife's father's day present; 'You don't know me AT ALL.' AITA?
"AITA for reacting negatively towards the fathers day present my wife bought me?"
So, here is how the whole situation started... My wife of 5 years showed me a photo on her phone last night. It was a picture of the Joker holding hands with Harley Quin, who is holding hands with a toddler Harley Quin.
A cliché fathers day saying was written on it as well. She asked me "Hey, isn't this super cute?" I responded with "Eh, no. I think Joker merch is really cringe, especially in this context."
My wife went silent then said "Well I guess you're going to hate your father's day present, fg great... f me for trying to get you something nice."
I didn't know what to say. I had no idea that this was my father's day present, but I still don't like the present. I do not like superhero stuff. I find it all to be a bit cringe. I've been very open about this dislike for years and I was a little upset that she assumed it was "My thing."
My wife took all of this hard. She spent the rest of the night in the bedroom, ignoring me and our daughter. I kept telling her that I was sorry, but I couldn't help but feel a little dissapointed that she didn't know what I liked.
(Just to be clear, I specifically asked for nothing for my gift. I don't want anything, I just want to relax on father's day without having to stress about anything.)
She then told me that this shirt, along with a few others with different superheros were going to be my father's day present for a few years, since she decided to buy four of them and she can't get a refund due to their policy.
I own NOTHING related to superheros. I just feel bumed out because she doesn't know anything about my interests, even though I share them with her everyday. (Dungeons and Dragons, board games, stuff like that are my niche.)
Now I'm getting presents that I'll never wear and I don't know what to do. I feel like a huge asshole, but I seriously don't want to wear cringe superhero shirts. Especially poor quality ones.
I guess I'm just dissapointed because I got her a really nice LOTR gift for mothers day and she loved it, but here I am with some crappy made t-shirts with cringe art on them. AITA?
Let's take a look at some of the top responses:
kitsroph writes:
Who... Buys father's day presents years in advance? Who buys tshirts years in advance? Who buys 4 years of presents for somebody before they check if they like it? Who shows the recipient the present after they buy it but before they gift it? What is any of this?
Feels like she saw a targeted facebook ad and went all in, maybe? Just goodwill the shirts. NTA.
aidengeray writes:
NTA. The fact that your wife gave YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER the silent treatment has me seriously wondering if she's mature enough to be married, let alone have a kid.
Seriously, how oblivious do you have to be to think your spouse, who is supposed to be your #1 person in life (not counting children) is into something they've never shown interest in?
Honestly you have much more reason to be upset than she does. Does she often get upset at her own mistakes? Like upset enough that you're now the bad guy for getting upset?
charmingusual writes:
It is never pleasant to be in a situation where you accidentally told someone you hate their gift but the entire problem is entirely of your wife’s making for a) “testing” to see how you’d the gift without being honest with what she was showing you , b) knowing you very little (assuming you’re correct in your explicit communication that you don’t like superheroes)
c) reacting with anger (yes, it’s unpleasant but throwing a tantrum and giving your partner the cold shoulder for your own mistake is the absolute worst way to react), d) buying presents four Father’s Days in advance, wtf (she’ll be lucky if she’s married that long), e) threatening to “withhold” future presents. NTA!!!!
kolob9 writes:
NTA. Just because Father's Day is an afterthought doesn't mean that your wife needs to approach it that way. The t-shirt is tacky and she had no reason to believe that you would like it. If a man bought his wife something similar she wouldn't be pleased either.
I find it pretty shitty that she's turned it around and tried to make you the AH in this situation. She chose a thoughtless awful gift. You don't like it, which is to be expected. You shouldn't get punished for this.
robgu writes:
NTA. It will get better though in my experience. About 10 years ago when I was a newlywed my wife was terrible at gifts and birthdays in general. I've never been super into gifts and so I just smiled and nodded when she would bring home a Hershey bar or something similar for my birthday.
(I usually spent 300-500 on hers depending) I tired being proactive and talking about things I'd like for my birthday, etc, but to no avail.
One year she didn't even say happy birthday in the morning and went to work. I was a bit hurt, but I've missed a thing or two in my life and decided to show grace.
When she came home she handed me a plastic gas station sack with a bumper sticker and a novelty baseball cap in it and told me happy birthday and asked me what I was making for dinner. I blew up.
She was hurt for a while but since then she's put much more effort into showing me and the kids care on our birthdays.
sockmaster7 writes:
NTA. You don't like superheros which should be enough for you not to get superhero things.
She also didn't say, "I got this for you" but "look at this cute thing" which is not your thing I feel like this should have been expected. If she was doing it to see what you thought, that would be one thing, but to get your idea after she bought it wasn't that smart.
Also, the fact that people still make, "look how cute harley and joker are" things confuse the heck out of me. They are an abusive relationship and should not be treated as an "it" couple.
Why make beating your wife romantic? Why make that the couple's costume where there are plenty of other couples in comics that don't hit each other? I'm convinced on the inside anyone who picks Harley and Joker as a cute couple has never read a comic or watched a cartoon.
Does she not realize how much DND things are out there and some that would make great father's day gifts? Go on Etsy and you get a whole list of things she could get you. She could also get you a new board game for you and the family to play or an expansion pack to one you already have.
trubbb7 writes:
NTA. You don't even like superheroes...how does she not know that? Who buys someone's gifts YEARS in advance?
Joker's a domestic abuser - also, the only biological kid he HAS actually fathered, Harley gave up because she didn't want her kid to be stuck with a murderous psychopath of a father.
All of his other "kids" are just other villains' children that were obsessed with murder/mayhem/the Joker himself. Joker merch is a terrible Father's Day gift, tbh.
Maybe try and sit down with her, framing it as "I'd like us to talk about something that I know may be upsetting to both of us. Any time we need a breather, we'll take a 5 minute break for tea or air or something, but we need to have this conversation all the way through."
Then, start asking questions. Allow her to ask them in return. "I know I've already given my opinion on the Father's Day gift you got me, but I'm still confused and would genuinely like to talk about it. Could you explain why you thought I liked comics/superheroes?" and
"It feels like maybe there's a disconnect on how much interest we show in each other's likes and dislikes.
I feel I went out of my way to find something I knew for sure you would appreciate, but - especially buying the items in a bundle just to give to me over multiple years - it made me feel as though you were less concerned with reciprocating that level of care. Could we work on getting on equal footing in this area?"
A good final one might be "I feel like ignoring each other and our daughter is a bad way for either of us to handle stress - it prevents us from talking through our issues, and I know (daughter) will notice it, especially as she gets older.
I really want us to work on some kind of agreement or plan on how we can handle stress when we're upset, so we can avoid shutting each other out."
bigfrencon writes:
NTA. How deep into "nerd" culture is your wife? You mentioned getting her a nice LOTR gift, is that her speed?
I find a lot of times that folks who aren't into traditionally "nerdy" hobbies tend to assume that it's a package deal- that someone who plays D&D is also going to be into comics, know nothing about sports, and be able to talk your ear off about their trip to the Renaissance Fair last summer.
I know comics mostly through osmosis, and I quite enjoy watching sports with my family, thank you very much! (Yeah, don't get me started on the Ren Fair, it's a ton of fun.)
I think your wife might think that you're a sort of "all-purpose nerd" who's into everything considered nerdy and thus appreciate superhero comics, rather than knowing the specifics of your hobbies. It's up to you to decide whether that's better or worse, but I think it's important to correctly diagnose the problem.
dinafelice writes:
As told, this is a story of your wife asking you a random question, then getting mad at you for your honest answer, then blaming you for the fact that she bought you multiple things based on her assumption of what your answer was going to be, then punishing you and your daughter for her disappointment.
I mean, unless there is some important context missing, NTA.
In fact, it's such a strong NTA, that I have to wonder what else might be toxic in your relationship that you think her reaction was okay. Because, despite your title, you didn't react negatively to your father's day present, you reacted negatively to a random photo of random merchandise. It was only after that reaction that you learned it was intended to be something for you.
And I also have to wonder why your wife decided to show you the picture at that moment. If she was unsure if you would like it, she should have shown it to you before she purchased it.
Once she purchased it and knew it was non-refundable, it doesn't really make sense to give you a preview of the present if she genuinely thought you would like it.
At that point, the only reason to show you was if she was having doubts, but if she was having doubts, it's strange she was so surprised and even stranger still that she was mad at you.
A much more normal reaction would be to be disappointed in herself and scramble to find you a replacement present you would like better.