'My wife has almost completely stopped taking care of our two toddlers.' UPDATED
"My wife has almost completely stopped taking care of our two toddlers. I'm at my wit's end."
I work a 9-5 all week. My wife is a SAHM to our 2 children. We have a 3.5 year old son and a 1.5 year old daughter. An important thing to note is that we barely have any supportive family. Her parents are not in the picture and my parents live two hours away.
My wife has been diagnosed with postpartum depression. She refuses to take her medication. She says that she doesn’t need it, but she does. Our son is potty trained, but our daughter is still in diapers. She ALWAYS has a severe diaper rash due to my wife not changing her. She only changes her when our daughter leaks through and stinks, or when I remind her when I’m at work.
The house is always a mess. My wife barely cleans. I do all of the laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, bathing of our children and their teeth brushing. Did I mention that I also work full time?!
I’m sure that they don’t get a proper meal the entire day when I’m at work. They don’t eat meals unless I make something or if I order take out. Our kids sleep with us because my wife refuses to sleep train them. I hardly sleep despite working a 9-5. I’m mostly bitter about the lack of sleep.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t turn to family. My wife thinks that she doesn’t have a problem. Our kids run wild all day long, and when I come home, it’s even worse. Has anyone experienced this? I love my family, but this has to stop. She doesn’t share her part of the workload.
Before we give you OP's two updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
miswrite writes:
This is really sad but the thing that sticks out to me as odd is the medication thing. If she hadn’t been taking any medication prior to the appointment, they would (likely) absolutely not start her off on a “higher dose”, as you usually need to titrate yourself up to higher, more therapeutic doses.
The “it took a day to kick in” thing is weird too. I’ve experienced feeling a little better in the days after taking meds, but not like a lot. Especially after apparently being depressed, etc, for so long? Though the placebo affect is strong, and having the in-laws there for support was likely helpful.
Anxiety meds are usually more acute and fast acting, so I can see that being a thing. Anyway, this sucks. Sorry OOP. I’m glad your parents are helping and supporting you and hope you’re doing better.
liksith writes:
I think people just do not understand how bad PPD is and that it can permanently fuck someone’s brain chemistry sideways for life and leave them dealing with extreme mental health issues that ruin them and can take years just to remotely get your head moderately screwed back on.
It’s terrible for the kids, the husband and the woman, who basically had her brain taken like an egg and thrown against the wall.
The complete lack of support to new dads and moms in the United States is a direct reason for shit like this, because we absolutely do not give any shits about supporting new parents on the scale we should be to ensure not only they thrive but the children do.
fence writes:
YTA. This rubbed me the wrong way. The husband sounds like he’s thinking of his wife as a household equipment instead of a human being.
I hope that woman is happy wherever she are, I wish nothing but the best for her People are saying what a good man OP is but he didn’t said he stepped up and fed them or changed their diapers himself, his main concerns is his lack of sleep not his children’s wellbeing.
My dad is one such men and bless my mom, she stayed with him but she told me that there was a period she resented him because she felt like she was nothing but a vessel to birth his child and to babysit them. Maybe I’m projecting but to this day, my dad has never changed a single diaper and I can definitely see OP being a similar type of men.
He did become better now after failing his business and almost got us evicted from our home (used our house deed as guarantee without telling us, only told us when we almost got evicted, the house my mom bought with her savings), before he used to be ‘me man me make money ONLY here money’ even though my mom also works - and she makes more now.
Hold heavy stuff? My mom. Replace the water jug? My mom. Deliver me to dentist and extracurricular classes? My mom.
OP's 1st update:
Things were horrific for us last week. I genuinely believed that my wife was suicidal. She would talk frequently about how she wanted to die and how death was so much easier than living. It freaked me out, and rightfully so.
I called my parents once and for all. I told them everything that I wrote in the post and more. They talked to her and demanded that she take the PPD medication or else they would come down to our house. Mind you, my wife’s parents are not in the picture. She said that she actually WANTED my parents to come down to our house. They agreed.
My mom can be very brash, but it was effective in the end. My parents came down two days after I made The Call. They called her doctor and made an appointment for her while they watched the kids. She was prescribed more depression and anxiety medication at a higher dosage.
My wife has been taking her NEW medication for a full week now. Before anyone asks, I make sure that she takes it. She is 100% medicated. I can tell a clear difference already.
She is more relaxed now. It’s helping tremendously. It took a day for it to kick in, but she seems healthier and happier so far. The house is cleaner and the kids are well taken care of. The weather has been nicer, and she takes the kids outside all day when I’m at work. They all love it.
Some more miscellaneous things have happened: BOTH of my kids are sleeping in their own beds. To my dismay, neither child fought sleeping in their own room that they share. The first night was rough (late last week), but they both understand that they have to do it. Our daughter still wakes up once, but everything is so much better at night! I love that we have our bed back.
My parents paid for my wife to have her nails and hair done. They also watched the kids so she could have an entire day off. My parents bought the kids tons of new toys and books. This helps because they’ve been more entertained while my wife recovers.
My parents arranged for my wife to see a therapist once a week. They are paying for it, and her appointments are after I get home from work. Her first appointment is tomorrow.
My parents have left, but they’re in contact every single day. My wife is embarrassed, but she says that she feels better. It’s only been a week, and I don’t know what the future holds.
I think that’s it. Please no negative comments. I don’t know if this is the “perfect solution” that everyone will agree with. This is what has happened. It’s a daily battle. We will get through it. My wife knows that my parents and I will always love and support her.
Also, keep in mind that it’s only been a week! Progress has been made and is being made. I’m pretty sure that the comments were just locked on this post, so I can’t respond anymore.
Thank you so much to everyone! I appreciate every single comment and message! I know going forward that there will be good days and bad days. There has already been a very bad day since my parents left, but we got through it. I’m trying to establish a long term fix, not just a Bandaid. I plan on updating again in the future. Thank you to EVERYONE again.
OP's 2nd update:
It’s been several months since I’ve last updated on our situation. I left off with our lives being on the upswing. My wife had started taking her PPD medication, and my parents offered their help to get our family back on the right track. I last posted an update in October.
In February, my wife found a man online and moved into his apartment. There was no warning. When I was at work, she moved all of her things out. She brought the kids back over in his car after I got home from work.
She couldn’t even look me in the eye. She explained that she wasn’t happy. She said that she has never been happy with me or the kids. She told me that I could have full custody, but she would send us some money once she gets a job. She also begged me to not take her to court.
Luckily, my work was forgiving enough to give me a week off to figure everything out. My mother ended up moving in with us to help me avoid child care costs. My father visits on weekends or whenever he can.
Meanwhile, my soon-to-be-ex wife is having the time of her life with her new “boyfriend”. Before the Coronavirus, they were going on vacations and bar hopping. I’m sure they’re having wild se% that we haven’t had in years.
They’ve been posting pictures online about how happy they are together. I’ve never seen her smile so much. He funds her kid-free lifestyle, so no wonder she’s so thrilled. He has a child that he doesn’t have custody of either. What a classy guy!
It hurts so badly that I’m numb. I don’t feel anything anymore. I have cried every single day. I’m sure I’m depressed, but I’m keeping it together for the kids. My parents have been my rock, but I feel terrible asking them for so much help in raising my children as a 34 year old man.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m an essential worker, so I thankfully still have employment. That’s the only blessing in my life aside from my kids. I never imagined my life would be THIS fd up. It got so fd up in a matter of months. I never saw it coming.
Thanks to everyone that gave me advice previously. I don’t think anyone can give me advice to get through this one, but I wanted to get my thoughts out.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:
fenzaaas writes:
Geez... I feel so bad for the OOP. x.x The 2nd update was so good. Not quite perfect, but there was hope, and hope is always good. Things sounded like they were on the right track.
Then the last update happened, and just... that's so terrible. I feel so bad for him, but also for the children. I can't imagine the pain they're going to feel in the future when they ask about why their mom isn't in their lives, because they will definitely ask in the future and I don't think it'll be good to lie to them about the situation.
Of course, share it in a child-friendly way that won't cause them to blame themselves (which I know is easier said than done), but I think hiding the truth and them finding out later on down the line will hurt more than just telling them once they ask about it.
I also hope the mother doesn't attempt to come back into the kids' lives when they are older and they don't need to be taken care of in the ways they have to be now.
As cruel as that is to say, but we've seen it many times on Reddit with parents that think it's perfectly okay to walk right back into their kids' lives after abandoning them for whatever their reasons are and thinking they can just pick up things right where they left off with no issues or consequences.
And nearly every time, it ends up with more resentment and pain for the kids. She doesn't want to be a mother now, then she should never want to be a mother period, and I hope she takes all of the steps she can to prevent that from happening in the future.
Because really hope she and her new beau (and any future ones she may have) don't have another child that they'll just end up abandoning like the children they gave life to now.
This is an amazing testimony!!! These stories need to be shared in abundance with people in these situations ❤️❤️❤️