'AITA for telling my daughter that I don’t care about her and to never contact me again?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my daughter that I don’t care about her and to never contact me again?"

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background. I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter.

But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home.

We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe.

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time.

I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever.

That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy.

I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later.

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12.

She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out.

She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up. Was I the AH?

Before we offer OP's update, let's take a look at some top comments:

tytynuggets:

This is one of the most obvious YTA posts I've seen here, good fg lord.

TopPalpitation4681:

Well, it's already been said, but you're the asshole.

afspouse123:

YTA I hate when adults make very bad adult decisions that affect their children and then blame the children when they respond in a very child-like manner. Your daughter was a teenager. That is a rough time for kids even when their home life is stable.

You gave her one whole year before you cut bait and gave up on her. Then you moved away. You told your daughter that she wasn't important enough to fight for and she believed you. Now that she is an adult with a child of her own, she has reached out to you and you again told her she wasn't important to you. She now knows she was probably right to cut you out the first time.

faceee writes:

You caused great harm to your daughter by destroying her family, you showed her she and her mom were not as important as getting your dick wet and you did this when she was at a very vunerable age

I imagen she had to deal with quite some trust issues, you only gave her a year to deal with finding out her father destroyed her family, the divorce and the aftermath of healing from that

You gave up and moved away, you are truly a failure at being a father and certainly not the victim of the situation. Your daughter reached out to you after everything you’ve done to her and you slap her in the face by rejecting her

You failed her 17 years ago and failed her again, she didnt even had anything to say sorry for, but she did anyways and here you are, had every chance to get your daughter back and be grandfather and you keep wallowing in your own mistakes Dude you are 60+ time to grow up alredy

OP's update (the next day):

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago.

I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again.

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there.

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.