Man leaves wife 'secretly & slowly over time,' she barely noticed until it was 'too late.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this man is disgusted by his wife's actions and leaves her subtly and slowly over time, he asks Reddit:
"I left my wife secretly and slowly. AITA?"
New to reddit, So I hope I'm doing this right. I M35 was married to my wife F35 for 8 years. I left her 5 years ago. We are child free by choice, her choice.
I had always said we had a good relationship and marriage, but looking back I see that it was good for her.
I've always been the nerdy type. Smart, good grades, but never popular. I am from a very well of family, due to my grandparents inheritance and some smart investments my parents did, I did not have to go to college or work and still have a comfortable life. But I love what I did.
I met my wife my first year in college. She was in my class and was looking for a tutor. She was a scholarship kid. We spend more and more time together.
But never in the weekend. I wasn't the outgoing type and she would still go out in the weekend. After a while we started going on dates, and after I graduated we got married.
Looking back she started making decisions for us as soon as we got together. My wife worked the first half of our marriage, and when her company downsized she got laid off.
She became a stay at home wife, who was not at home that much. She had friend she took trips with, had a lit of lunches and dinners with her friends. Basically spend my money on her well off lifestyle.
While I remember our love life being passionate in the beginning, it's just that, a memory. When I was 29 I Was involved in a car crash. They say a drunk driver totaled my car, but I still have no memory of that day. I was in a coma for 2 weeks. After waking up I had to learn to do a lot again. After 4 months I went back to work.
When I came back home my wife put me in the spare room, She said it has been like that a while because I was snoring. I kept my mouth shut, but I knew that this was new.
The accident somehow gave me clarity of mind. I could see that the marriage has been over for a while. But I still wanted to see if I could safe it. Everything I tried failed.
What sealed the deal for me was my 30th birthday. I came home and she was not home. She was having a spa day with her friends. I ordered takeout, watched a movie and made a decision. I wanted out.
The next morning I want to my lawyer to start drafting divorce papers. I stopped engaging with her unless absolutely necessary. Slowly I started selling anything that had any emotional value to me.
I left all her stuff for her. I bought a new car and left it at a parking garage not so far from our home. One month later all I had left were my clothes and a couple of laptops, projector, portable screen. Everything I needed to work from the road. I did not quit my job, I arranged for it to be completely remote.
2 months after my birthday I stayed while my wife was at jut another lunch with her girls, I took the new car, packed everything I needed in it, left the divorce papers and a letter on my bed in the spare room and closed the door to my house for the last time. Wondering how long it would take for her to notice.
I decided to drive cross country and visit every place I wanted to go but couldn't because my wife didn't want to. We had a prenup so she had no rights to ask anything.
In the letter I explained I told her I was leaving and I would leave her the house and the car and would pay a sum every month for exactly a year after that she was on her own. In my own stupidity I forgot to mention why I was leaving. This would work out in my favor.
10 days after I left I got a text from my wife asking me where I was and if this was a joke. She called me but I didn't pick up. I never pick up the phone while driving. I had an automated text send that said "I'm driving and will call back later."
She send me text after text after text. That night I stopped in a motel and decided to read the texts before calling her back.
First she was asking if this was a joke, then asking when I Will come back, Then begging me to come back, not knowing why I left and then she said something. She was sorry and it didn't mean anything and she will cut him off..... She was having an affair. Something I never suspected.
I called her cellphone and she was at her parents. (I learned this tactic from TV) She started yelling at me and I hung up. I waited 1 minute and called back. She started yelling again and I hung up again. I waited 2 minutes and called back again. This time she wasn't yelling and I started talking.
I told her that she was going to let me talk first and after I said what I needed to say and then she could ask questions.
I told her why I left. We were married but living like roommates, not even roommates because they at least acknowledge each other. I don't remember the last time we had a conversation.
The last time we did something together. I didn't remember the last time we had sex, but I know it was before the accident. I told her that for a month before leaving I stopped talking and sold everything I had in the house and she didn't even notice.
That it took her 10 days after I left before she noticed I was gone. If she had called me on the day I left I would have turn around immediately. I ended with, Thank you for admitting to the affair, I really didn't know about that.
She tried to apologize and when she asked me to come back, I asked her why. If she could explain to me why I would consider it. What was in it for me. What would change? She couldn't answer.
So I said goodbye and told her my lawyer knows how to contact me. Then I blocked her. The next day I bought a new phone with a new number and left the old one in the motel.
2 weeks later I got an email from my lawyer that the divorce papers were signed. I was free. I kept my word, My lawyer already had all documents signed by me that would transfer ownership of the house and the cars to her. The bank automatically deposits a fixed amount to out shared account every month for a year.
Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
twinspinner writes:
As someone that recently got out of an abusive marriage, you have no idea how much more mental anguish and loss of physical time and energy I would've had to endure if I tried fighting for anything extra from my ex wife.
What I would've had to go through to get the apartment and the car was not worth the stress and anxiety and fear of her retaliating.
Simply walking away and starting over from nothing was so much better for me, and I'm sure OP felt the same, though he at least had more backing to start off with than I did lol
mcglwe0 writes:
I’m sorry you were used so badly and had such a heart rending experience. And I congratulate you on your clarity of mind after being in a coma!! To understand what was OK and what wasn’t OK and to turn everything around.
I think you decided to be decent, but not cut her slack. You were so crystal clear with her. Telling her that if she had called you the day you left, and I’m assuming said things that were sincere, he would’ve turned around.
I think what you did was you crafted a remarkable experience both for yourself and her. And now she made her bed and she’s going to lie in it. And you are having the adventure in your life. I’m just really happy for you. Sometimes there’s a happy ending.
dirtymartini writes:
Glad you're enjoying life. You deserve to be happy. I was once in a marriage where I gave everything and got nothing but emotional abuse from my ex wife. Leaving her was one of the best decisions that I ever made.
I'm kind of surprised that you were so generous with her considering she used and abused you but maybe that's just me being jaded.
goxdit writes:
You're not 'the better person' for leaving the house and car to her cheating ass. You've only condoned her abuse, manipulation, and selfish behavior. It basically was a flag that said "you earned all this free money because you successfully deceived me for so long." Sorry all that happened to you, but she won in the end.
considerablye writes:
He had to work to keep up with his wife's lifestyle but once he was "free" he didn't have to work anymore so he could travel freely but still sent her money every month. The super easy divorce with absolutely no negative effects towards him.
Even with a prenup no judge in the world would sign off on such a crazy divorce agreement and any half competent lawyer would have told his ex to contest it. Travelling without any problems during COVID and then just ending it with I'm going to go to Canada like that's something you can do.
Canada has immigration laws just like the US you can't just stroll in and be like "I'm Canadian now!" That's not how it works and he would have a hard time staying because.... He hasn't worked in five years.
And now, OP's major update:
Where we are now. For the past 5 years I have been driving across the country, working remotely, I finally had a reason to start social media. I posted online where I've been and where I'm going. I stay in a place for a couple of weeks and drive to the next.
My ex-wife started following me on Instagram a year after I left and out of curiosity I looked at her public posts. I'm not planning on following her back. She posted pix with her boyfriend soon after I left.
To her credit she did not badmouth me, at least not in Instagram. Two months after I left they apparently broke up. That was the last time I really had an update of her.
I also have a sex life now. Once I put myself out there it turned out to be easier to have casual sex. No committed relationship.
Now after years I'm going back to my home town. There is a reunion I want to attend. I'm staying for a month maybe two and then I'm going to Canada, I have no plans of looking up my ex, but I will also not actively avoid her. If I see her, I'll see her. If I don't, I don't.