'AITA for regretting that I married an introvert?' UPDATED
"AITA for regretting that I married an introvert?"
Ok introverts, let me have it. Tell me what a terrible person I am. I'm coming up on married 20 years. Age 45. In knowing her for 22 years, she has never made a friend. A few acquaintances here and there. But no friend. Not one.
When I make friends and have done couple events like dinner outings, she does somewhat interact and engages a bit in conversation (especially with my conversation starting). But she never clicks with people.
We usually don't get asked back for a follow-on couple outing. People don't seem to like us. Could be me, but I do have multiple guy friends that I socialize with. Multiple people over the years (including my own sister) have eventually admitted "I assumed she doesn't like me". Nope, not it at all.
Today I had lunch with her. I babbled for a bit. But then I decided to just stop talking. We sat there in silence for 20 minutes, and it dawned on me that if I don't initiate conversation that we don't have conversation.
It took me about 10 years to figure out that she is not going to change. It took me awhile to accept the fact that I am basically on my own for finding social outlets. That finding "couple friends" will never happen. In some ways I am still going through "acceptance".
Now that our two kids are growing up (one has extreme social anxiety and is also an extreme introvert), I kind of wonder where my life will go with her as the kids move on and out.
We went from meeting just after college. Being in love and fully into each other while living in a secluded surburb for 2 years. Getting married. Going to grad school where I had a great social life filled with many other grad students. To life with young kids.
But as life gets older and the physical attraction wears off...I feel I've made a terrible mistake. I am starting to long for more of a "conversationalist". And for someone who can help build meaningful relationships with community. AITA? I am just regretting my whole life.
Before we give you OP's update about his son, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
thriftdiving writes:
I ended up on this post because my husband is an extreme introvert, too!! He and I were talking this morning about it. We have been together 28 years, married 18 of those. I'm 45 and he's 46.
I know EXACTLY how the OP feels, as well as the more recent comments. And yes......as these extreme introverts get older, they get they become more of a recluse.
542cliche writes:
The fact that you think marrying her and she’ll eventually “come out of her shell” is the problem - you made a terrible mistake here. If you have accepted her the way she is as perfect for you, then You wouldn’t have a problem that she doesn’t talk unless you initiate a conversation.
tsx143 writes:
If you bring this up with her be careful not to make her feel like she is "abnormal" or "bad" for not socializing the same way you do. Saying you want a "conversationalist" is still showing that you don't really understand her.
healthybell writes:
I am the introvert in our relationship. But, I don't live in the extremes that your wife lives in. I have slowly gained a few friends over the years. Another difference I see between us is that physical attraction is a zero issue for us. She is aging, but I can see her soul and can ignore wrinkles that are sneaking up. Love is also not an issue.
And now, OP's major update about his son's behavior:
I can't stand the personality of my 14-year old. My family doesn't do anything. Or the way it shows in his behavior...
My 14-year old doesn't do anything. He plays video games or watches YouTube on his phone all day every day. He has no friends. Has no extracurriculars. He never wants to do anything. I can't even get him to try anything new. Rarely get him out of the house.
Through the years I've tried but have totally backed off. You name it I've tried it. Boy scouts, D&D, math clubs, team sports, individual sports, etc. You see I was the only one to occasionally nag him to get off his phone or get off his computer.
My wife, who happens to be an extreme introvert, never ever nags him. Just me and that didn't work so I've given up too. (you might ask if my wife and I have a dysfunctional relationship too...we don't see eye-to-eye on parenting...and I've just come to acceptance on her too).
He has bad social anxiety which impacts him at school. He sees a therapist. He was prescribed Prozac but won't take it. I've tried various conversations for trying to convince him to give it a try.
My wife has something against mental drugs so won't encourage/coach him to take it (but doesn't totally oppose it ..just doesn't help in convincing him to give it a shot).
I try to expose him in other ways. Now my wife is at least game for vacations. So we drag him on an exotic $15,000 vacation to an exotic locale. He would rather just stay in dark hotel room doing his phone.
I mean the kid is very smart and gets good grades. But it totally drags me down to see him so withdrawn and totally anti-social. I worry about his ability to function as an adult.
He has a cousin who scored a 1550/1600 on the SAT but does NOT go to college because of unresolved anxiety (also played video games all day and has parents just like my wife).
I do try hard to hide that I have disdain for his personality/behavior. But when I put forth an effort to connect with him, I don't think I entirely hide all the disappointment all the time.
On a given weekend day, my wife will read a book all day. Like all day. My kid will do his phone or play video games all day. And I just want to do stuff. Anything even if it is something I have no interest in.
To get out of the house. And while I could go do stuff by myself (and I do and have my hobbies) it is just depressing as hell to try to live life like this.
I feel the whole situation has also made me question everything including marriage since that has been strained by our lack of unity and her extreme introvert-edness has become apparent now more than ever before.
EDIT: in the times where I have removed screens from him, he just reads a book all day. So that's why I don't really see the point in removing screens anymore. He already reads a ton...probably at least an hour a day. Books, screens. What's the difference when it comes to not wanting to socialize or try new things.
EDIT 2: based on some inspiration here, tonight we made lists. He said he would be interested in me teaching him something so I made a list of ideas I could teach him.
EDIT 3: yes I'm not perfect but I try. I can accept we are vastly different people. But the social anxiety he has really is debilitating and I feel that exposure and getting out of the house is the only thing (beyond Prozac) that can help.
EDIT 4: so far he is skinny, well-built, and looks good. I've spotted him doing situps/pushups in his bedroom. He's made one comment that he wants to play a sport in high school but he is so far behind in skills that cross-country or track seem like the only options.
EDIT 5: the pandemic made everything worse. Pre-pandemic he did participate in 1-2 middle school clubs. Now they're all gone and our district is still uber Covid paranoid.
He had 14 months of virtual school which did take him from straight As to straight Cs (he is back to As with in-person school except for classes where lack of verbal participation harms him).
EDIT 6: my wife has no friends. I've never seen her make a friend in 15+ years. Yes there is a genetic component. Interestingly she had friends in high school and did extracurriculars.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's dilemma:
themikd88 writes:
I was a lot like him around that age, except a BIT more social, but I only really made friends through mutual interests in video games or, a bit later, anime.
The kid is 14, its difficult to connect with kids around that age. I think your best course of action is to continue to try and connect with him through his interests, like playing video games with him, encouraging him to show you the clip if he finds something on youtube he thinks you'll find funny or interesting, or just offering to watch as he plays a game.
It might not work immediately, it might not work for a long time, but whether it works or not is not the point - eventually, when your kid is older, he'll realize that you never stopped attempting to connect with him, that you never gave up on him, and that will mean a lot to him. It just might take a long time for him to get there.
majesticfeathers writes:
You remind me of my father. I'm sure your family can't stand your personality either. Just as long as you love your family you don't have to like them.
Find friends, go to a dnd group, bowling, go out and have some freaking adventures instead of expecting your family to entertain you. Quit making excuses, that it's so hard, just do it.
darkcloud7 writes:
Best advice I can give as someone who relates a lot to your son when I was his age, do NOT make him feel bad for doing what he enjoys. You need to encourage him to use these things to his advantage instead of a crutch to avoid feeling depressed.
yagurlwum writes:
Play video games with him man. I don’t like that ish either, but I force myself to play with the kids (as much as I can handle) and they love it. After you two learn to have fun together he might be more open to doing things outside.