'AITA for being upset my partner offered a woman food from our share plate on our date?' UPDATED
"AITA for being upset my partner offered another woman food from our share plate while on a date?"
My partner (M30) and I (F30) were on the first date we have had in about a year due to financial struggles. I had really missed spending quality time with him but I knew I had to be patient and keep working hard to pay our bills. We finally got on top of everything and had a really good week so he offered to take us out.
We had a great night, visited a nice bar, played at the arcade then went for some food. At this point he asked me to go 50/50 on paying for the meal because again, money is tight. I didn't mind, I was just enjoying our time together.
The share plate we ordered was brought out to us and I asked my partner to grab some condiments from the front for us. While he was gone, a woman came in from the street and started to ask me if she could have some of our food. She didn't look homeless. She had tattoos all over her face and a casual outfit.
This is where I start to feel like an a*&(ole - I shook my head no. I felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to be in that situation where a stranger is asking me for food while I'm sitting alone at a table.
My partner came back and I was trying to catch his eye and show him that I was uncomfortable and I was shaking my head no. He didn't look at me. He listened to the woman's request and immediately said yes of course, even went to the counter to grab a takeaway box and picked up the plate and offered her to take whatever she wanted. I felt really frozen and shocked.
The woman said about me "ohh she doesn't look too happy" while fingering the part of the meal that I had ordered. She didn't take it and said to my partner "oh I better just take something from your side instead". He stood there silently obliging waiting for her to take what she wanted.
She looked at me one last time and my face obviously looked unhappy and displeased. She commented on my facial expression "wow you look angry" and left with her takeaway box.
I didn't feel like eating at all after that. My partner was genuinely confused, thinking he was impressing me by doing a kind deed. But I felt disrespected by both of them and my appetite had gone.
I also felt like a huge a^%#ole, not wanting to share my food with a hungry stranger when my partner is so willing to do it. His reason is that he's 'been in that situation before'. I would argue that we literally don't know the woman's situation.
It felt like everyone in the store was judging me and I desperately wanted to leave. We grabbed a takeaway box and started walking to the car. My partner was very upset and just walked in front of me the whole time. I felt ashamed and that I didn't deserve any of the food so I asked if we could just give it to a homeless person which we did.
My partner walked off really fast without me and I caught up to him at the car 5 minutes later. He was super angry at me, saying he'd been in that situation before and why couldn't I just understand. I just started crying and saying I felt horrible.
He calmed down but when I tried to talk about how his actions upset me, that he didn't look at me and that he was so open with this stranger and that it made me feel invisible and disregarded, he said it was extremely difficult to understand me. AITA?
Update from OP 3 hours after the initial post:
This is a real story. It was in a small pizza shop. We didn't have a fancy date at a proper restaurant because we don't have a lot of spare cash. So no waiters or waitresses or anything like that. The only staff are behind the counter.
By fingering my food I meant that she had a grip on my pizza crust and held onto it for a few moments while looking at me shaking my head, before turning to my partner to say "I'll just take one of yours instead".
My partner's first language is not English and he didn't really pay attention to what she was saying.
I'm really hurt angry and upset by what happened and the fact that he's unapologetic about it now too.
I'm really unhappy, I don't like him anymore and I want to leave the relationship. We have a rental together and the lease doesn't expire until next year and we have a partner visa together. If we separate, he will have to return to his home country.
Edit: I totally agree with everyone saying that he could have bought her something for herself and I did think of that too late. I do feel bad about myself for just letting it happen, I struggle with anxiety especially in social situations so I just froze up.
I do care about him as a person and I believe he has a good heart but this type of behavior where he fails to account for my feelings has caused issues in the past. We will navigate our way towards an amicable ending but for now we have a few things that are keeping us tied together.
Here's what people had to say to OP, and OP's responses:
It was a pizza and she asked for a slice, you seem to almost be intentionally making it seem like she just stuck her finger in the middle of your "shared plate" when she was given permission by your boyfriend to take what she wanted and only touched the crust. Stop with the dramatic description.
celticbutterfly OP:
She handled my slice of pizza with her fingertips then put it back on the plate and chose another. You can eat it if you want.
Were you there? It's absolutely disgusting that she touched any part of their food. At that point, he should have just given her the entire meal. No way would I eat it after someone off the street touched my food.
He gave her permission, OP is mad at this woman who asked and was given consent to take what she wanted. She also intentionally made it seem like it was a "shared plate" when it was actually just pizza and she could have easily picked a different slice.
OP did not give the stranger permission and she paid for her half. Try again.
What type of behaviour trying to be kind to other people. I agree that this maybe wasn’t the best solution to the situation. And that he could have handeld it differently but there is nothing wrong with being kind to other people or trying to be kind. All the people who tell you. That you should break up are crazy in my opinion. There is nothing wrong trying to help other people.
celticbutterfly OP:
By behavior I meant him not taking my feelings into account and then becoming disagreeable when I try to explain my point of view. I would have been happy for him to buy her a slice. It would have been a really lovely way to handle the situation.
Wait wait wait, you don’t like him anymore because of this event?
celticbutterfly OP:
Not exclusively because of this event, we have been together for over a year and this type of behavior has been something I put up with for a while because there were some things I liked and loved about him and the relationship but I can't do it anymore.
NTA. She used her bare hands to root around in your food, that was disgusting. She may or may not have been hungry, with the way she taunted you I don't think she was. Your partner, the only positive thing I can see is that he is extremely gullible.
The people in the cafe were wondering where the management was and why they were allowing this. I am sorry this happened to you, you deserved a pleasant meal.