'WIBTA for dumping my GF because she went clubbing while I was having emergency surgery?' UPDATED
"WIBTA for dumping my GF because she went clubbing while I was having emergency surgery?"
I 22M, and my girlfriend, 22F have been together for 5 years. We've been together since high school, and until recently, I've always considered her to be my future wife. I've even bought a ring and was planning on proposing over the coming months. Well, last weekend it was my girlfriend's best friend's birthday. She and her friends booked a private lounge at a club.
Obviously, I didn't go since 1. I wasn't invited and 2. I hate clubbing or anything associated with that. I was actually looking forward to spending an evening alone and just binging Netflix or something. Well, my gf left around 9 pm, and I just crashed on the couch and watched some YouTube. Well, around 11 pm, I started to feel this distinct stomach pain.
The same pain you experience when someone hits you in the nuts. It wasn't bad at first, and I just thought my body was playing some tricks on me, but in the span of about 5 minutes, the pain just kept getting worse until I was basically stuck in the fetal position on the couch. Again, initially, I just thought the pain would go, but then I pulled down my pants, and it felt like my right testicle was starting to swell.
The moment I tried to get up and grab my phone to inspect whatever the f^%& was happening to me, I just collapsed to the floor. That was probably the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Imagine being pelted in your nether region over and over again.
I did manage to crawl to the table next to the couch to get my phone. I immediately tried calling my GF, but she declined my call. I then texted her that something was wrong and she could come home immediately.
The club she went to is like a 5-minute walk from our apartment. I just put the phone down and started throwing up because of the pain. After throwing up for like a minute, it felt like the pain started to cool down a bit, and I grabbed my phone again, and that's when I saw her response.
She just replied with a "What is it?" I tried calling her again, but as expected, she just declined again. I then texted her that I need to go to the hospital now. She then asked for what, and I just replied with my b^&%s hurt. I then just dialed for emergency services.
I explained my situation to the emergency responder, and she asked if there was somebody that could drive me to the hospital, and I stupidly said yes. I thought my GF would be home soon, and she would drive me to the hospital.
I felt embarrassed to call an ambulance because my "b^&%s hurt." After I told the emergency responder this, she then told me that she would call me again in 10 minutes to make sure I was being driven to the hospital.
I then put down the phone and went back to vomiting on our carpet. Again, after the pain went away for a bit, I checked my phone and saw that my gf just responded with laughing emojis. I again tried to call her, but as expected, she just declined again.
She texted me that this wasn't the time to play games, and she then told me that if I texted or called her again, she would block my number. I again tried calling her, but she declined again, and when I tried calling her a second time, I realized she actually blocked me.
I went back to curling up on the floor, and now I started shivering. At this point, I didn't care about being embarrassed and just called emergency services again and asked for an ambulance. It felt like an eternity, but the ambulance eventually came and rushed me to the hospital.
I don't remember much of surgery since I was sedated, but I remember waking up eventually, and my right testicle was being stitched together. The doctor informed me that I had a testicular torsion, and I was extremely lucky to reach the hospital in time. I could have easily been forced to surgically remove my testicle.
I checked my phone and saw the missed calls and messages my GF left me. In summary, she came home from clubbing and smelled the vomit in our apartment. When she saw the vomit on our carpet, she got mad and tried searching the apartment to find me.
When she realized I wasn't there, only then did it hit her that I was actually being serious. I just texted her in which hospital I was staying in and my room number then went to sleep. I woke up the next morning and saw my gf sleeping on a couch next to my bed.
After she woke up, she started bombarding me with apologies. She thought I was joking, that I was trying to ruin their night, etc. I didn't have the energy to argue, so I just kept quiet. I was beyond hurt by what she did, and I wanted to break up with her then and there.
Why the f-% would somebody ignore messages where their partner is begging them to come home? Not only that, she stayed in the club until 3 am and didn't even consider going home to check on me.
She did stay with me in the hospital for the remaining two days I was admitted there and did take good care of me, but I was still beyond pissed at her. Ever since coming home yesterday, I've been wanting to dump her, but at the same time, I feel like she genuinely thought I was joking and made a mistake.
I feel conflicted and don't know how to proceed in this situation. WIBTA if I dumped her? Am I overreacting? How would you guys navigate this mess?
EDIT:
Just to clarify. No I never had an issue with her going out in the first place or have ever pulled pranks for her to come home from a night out. And btw thank you guys so much for the support. I'm beyond blown away.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Sad_Wind8580 said:
Even if she thought you were joking, you deserved a phone call. Your partner should be worried about you vs “why are you ruining my night?” Have you ever done this before? She could have called to confirm something was or was not wrong when you said hospital. I would really consider if you went to continue this relationship.
She prioritized partying over a phone call, heard hospital and still blocked you, and was planning on yelling about the vomiting. I wish you well in your healing.
lobeams said:
Former paramedic here. Dude, when you're in that level of pain, don't call your GF. Call emergency services. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Oh, and NTA, but your GF is.
Froot-Batz said:
In fairness, "my b%^$s hurt" does kind of sound like you're taking the piss. That said, unless you routinely cry wolf or try to invent excuses to keep her from going out or ruining her night, her refusal to pick up the phone and then BLOCKING you seems like an incredibly s%%$ty thing to do. Like I can't imagine doing that to my husband. Maybe have a conversation with her about how upset this has made you and go from there.
nolife247_ said:
If you were in her shoes, having fun with your friends you would still go check on her. Why? Because you love her and want to make sure she’s okay. Imagine yourself BLOCKING your girlfriend when she says she needs help just to have fun for one night. I hope it helps you realize that no one that actually loves you deals with this situation the way she did.
She showed no concern, no empathy and no effort. The fact that her first reaction to finding your puke is to be mad instead of being worried about you is insane. Imagine if she puked while she was sick, would you be mad at her? Please realize that this is not someone that cares for you on an equal level.
HIdude14 said:
Not telling you to dump her but DO NOT marry her. 22 is way too young and does not sound like she wants to be a wife anytime soon. Anyway, NTA is you leave her…I would.
About 5 days later OP came back with this update:
First of all, I just want to thank all of you for the amazing support. It's been quite overwhelming, to be honest. I have so many unread messages, so please, guys, give me some time 🙏. I promise I'll respond to all of them.
Also, I would like to clear up some misconceptions brewing in the comment section of my last Post.
No, I have never pulled any malicious pranks on my girlfriend to get her to come home early from a night out or anything, neither do I have an issue with her going out (as long as she doesn't come home at like 6 am). And no, I've never blown up her phone like that while she was out with friends. We usually go out together since we share the same friend groups.
Here are mine and her messages from WhatsApp in order since people thought I just texted her "my b^%$# hurt" or something (translated)
1. Me: declined my first 2 calls (her name) please come home something is wrong.
2. Her: ??? can't talk rn. What is it 😒
3. Me: Tried calling her again. I need to go to the hospital.
4. Her: ???? What
5. Me: Again tried calling her twice. My B^$% hurt. Please come NOW. Something is wrong
6. Her: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
7. Me: tried calling her again twice after calling emergency services.
8. Her: I swear don't bother me again or I'm blocking you. Let me f&^%$g enjoy my night out.
9. Me: Tried calling her again twice and got blocked. (At this point, the pain was too bad to try anything with her anymore and I just called an ambulance)
10. Her next message after unblocking me at 2 am: (my name) Why the f*$% is there vomit in the living room and where the f#*^ are you? Why is the front door unlocked if you left somewhere?
She then went into a full mental breakdown as she realized I was being serious about going to the hospital (over 70 messages)
- Yes, it was stupid of me to expect her to drive me to the hospital since she was drinking, but again, In that type of pain, you don't think clearly. I think I needed her more for moral support and I did it out of pure instinct.
- Not immediately calling an ambulance was also stupid of me. I was in a lot of pain, but stupidly at the time thought that whatever I was going through would eventually calm down and driving to the hospital would be better than calling an ambulance. Also, in hindsight, me being embarrassed about calling an ambulance over "my b%#$" was definitely also really stupid.
- The amount of mental gymnastics some of you did in my comments to paint me as some sort of dweeb or "emotionally needy" person for bothering my gf was truly mind-blowing to me. I promise you if my gf was in my position and I ignored her, none of you would be defending me.
Now for the update. Thank for all those who wished me a speedy recovery. I'm doing much better now. Not being able to go to work for the next 3 weeks is definitely a bummer. I work for my dad's construction company, and my job requires lifting a lot of heavy weights.
I'm also prohibited from having any s$^ for the next 2-3 weeks as well. I might have also developed some trauma due to the pain. I randomly get the same sensation again, and it's driving me nuts (see what I did there).
As for me and my gf. It's complicated. As so many of you and my mom told me, 5 years is definitely a long time to be just throwing away without having a proper conversation with her. So I did just that. I told her how hurt I felt by everything. I mentioned the following points.
- Her ignoring my messages and declining my calls (yes clubs are loud but where I'm from there are smoking areas where you can definitely have a conversation over the phone.)
- Blocking me after I tried calling her.
- Her not checking on me once even though the club she went to is only a 5-minute walk from our apartment.
- Her being angry about the vomit instead of being concerned.
After hearing that she got defensive and told me that I could have conveyed my situation better and that she genuinely thought I was joking. She was drunk and wasn't thinking clearly. She also told me that It couldn't have been THAT painful and I was over exaggerating.
I then told her yes I could have phrased my messages better and I apologized for that but I then described the pain I was in and told her that I barely had the strength to text her, let alone send her a detailed description of what was happening to me and definitely couldn't think straight throughout everything.
After hearing what I said she started crying and apologizing for what she did. She told me if she knew how serious it was, we wouldn't have been having this conversation. She then also apologized for her being mad over the vomit. According to her she was drunk and tired and was just expressing frustration.
I then asked her why she thought I was joking and if she was cheating on me because this was seriously out of character for her, hence why I immediately trusted her with this. She started crying harder and she looked like I just sl&^%$d her in the face.
She told me that she just thought I was being insecure about her being in the club with a bunch of guys and no she wasn't cheating on me and would never do something like that. We then hugged for a solid 10 minutes after that.
The next part was really hard for me but I told her I need some space to gather my thoughts and told her she needs to stay with her parents for the time being. She immediately started having a mental breakdown and asked If I was breaking up with her. I told her I wasn't sure and needed time to see If I still trusted her after all of this and what she did was beyond disrespectful.
How could I trust someone with my life after they pulled something like this? I then told her that we are young and this mess was mostly caused by our immaturity, this entire situation was an important life lesson for the both of us regardless if we stayed together.
After begging a bit more she then put her head down and started packing a few essentials. Before leaving she told she would be willing to do anything to make up for this and that I could take as much time as I needed. She then gave me a big kiss and left. That was two days ago and this is where we currently stand. I still give her updates on my healing but besides that we don't contact each other.
I'm really torn right now. I still don't have that trust in her but her owning up to her mistake shows that she knows she f&#$%d up and is remorseful. This is definitely something out of the ordinary for her, but there will have to be major boundaries and new rules set. I can think of the following.
1. If she blocks me again for anything = blocking herself from ever seeing me again
2. Ignoring my messages will not be tolerated anymore
3. If she goes out alone again, she has to pick up if I call regardless of the situation
4. As many of you suggested having an emergency code like "hospital" or something would probably have to be implemented.
I'm not going to push any of these boundaries but I just want peace of mind knowing that my partner has my best interest at heart even when she is physically not around me but idk.
Again I just want to thank you guys for everything and this whole experience was definitely an eye-opener for me.
Should I get back together with her? If yes, would my demands be reasonable and could I add something more? WIBTA if I dumped her over this whole saga?
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Time in doesn’t mean you need to stay with someone. That just delays the ending of it if you think you can’t get past not trusting her.
You would not be an a%*&$le if you chose to end it. You would also not be one if you decided to give it a go. You need to go with your gut.
I personally would have a hard time getting past someone blocking me when we are in a relationship. That level of petty would be too much for me.
To me, that does not imply a partnership, and I need a partnership with my significant other (this October will be my 30th anniversary of being married) if he blocked me or did not pick up when I made multiple calls That would be a trust broken and I’m not sure I would be able to get past that.
I can’t imagine a situation where my wife, no matter how annoyed, would block me.
Yeah he shouldn’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy
All she had to do was step away from her friends for 2 minutes to talk to you. That’s it. In those 2 minutes you could have told her what was going on, but instead she blocked you.
For a relationship that was (yes - past tense) 5 years in length, she couldn’t even spare 2 minutes of her time to talk to you. Two minutes.
You’re not worth two minutes of her time. That’s her message to you. Why would you fight to stay with her?
About two and a half months later OP added some info in the comments:
Deep_Sir_3517 asked:
Update us again lol how are things going?? How are the “boys” doing if you know what I mean lol hope all is well!
Hahaha thank you. Me and my boys are doing fine. Im not posting an update since I had a lot of people calling me a b&^% in my dms, Ive broken up with her and im doing much better.
Do you still love her? Would you be able to forget the past and start fresh from here, and never bring up the incident again? As for your rules, 1 and 4 are good. The other 2 get you into controlling territory. If you have to go that far to save a relationship, is it even worth saving?
Ok thank you for bringing that up to my attention. I love her to death. Weve been best friends for 12 years and have been together for 5. Ill try everything to make this work. Edit: If I choose to get back together with her, wich as it stands now is unlikely.