Man plans to tell dad to stop forbidding his mom from family gatherings. AITA? UPDATED

"WIBTA for telling my dad to not tell my mom to not go to family gatherings?"

As a bit of background, my (24M) parents split when I was about 10 years old. They have both since remarried. My dad and I have had our ups and downs. Nothing terrible, just some resentful feelings on my end due to my limited perspective on the split in my early teens.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to accept the situation more and he and I are on very good terms. We love each other very much and he has been a great resource in helping me transition to my adult life, as has my mom.

On that note, in 2023, I graduated college and moved to the city where a lot of my dad’s extended family lives, and I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with them. My mom will also sometimes visit my grandma with me when she comes up to visit.

They have been very friendly with each other when we do this, probably more than when my parents were still married. I bring this up because last summer (2024), my aunt on my dad’s side got remarried.

Her new husband is a very nice man and a wonderful stepfather to my cousins. In the days leading up to her wedding, she told me that my mom and step-dad were more than welcome to come to the wedding. I thought this was a nice gesture and passed the message along to my mom.

My dad heard about this. I think it may have been from my grandma who was also there at the time, but my mom mentioned to me that he got upset. I understand his feelings (especially considering she invited my step-dad), but I told her that I believe that it’s my aunt’s special day and she can invite who she wants.

(My aunt also has cancer right now, so this was a much needed positive point in a rough patch for her family). My mom opted not to come, and I think that was a valid, respectable choice that I’m confident she would have made even without my dad’s input, and I of course supported her. So I opted to not talk to my dad at the time because it would only escalate the situation. That was the end of it for a while.

Currently, my Grandpa is in hospice care and we unfortunately think he’s going to pass fairly soon. My mom is also opting to not come to the funeral, and would like to privately support my grandma by meeting up with her.

This is not because of any kind of input from my dad, but her rationale is the same, that it might make things awkward. I’m much more confident that she’s making the right move this time since this is a very different kind of situation. Instead I just told her to update me if she is invited and to tell me if Dad ever says anything.

I’m not talking to my dad about her coming to the funeral. It’s his dad that’s going to die, and I think him having more of a say in something that affects him so hugely isn’t being unfair. My mom made the 100% correct move this time.

But the conversation about the funeral with her had me thinking about what to do if something like the wedding happened again. Would I be the ahole for telling my dad it’s not his place to tell my mom to stay away from family gatherings if she is invited?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Specialist-Local439 said:

YTA. no one asked you to involve yourself in this.

max-in-the-house said:

NTA those 2 need to work it out and not involve you.

newbeginingshey said:

With the two examples you gave, his sister’s wedding and his dad’s funeral, it’s entirely reasonable that he doesn’t want his ex-wife at these events with his family. Further he has not put you in the middle of it - he only expressed his feelings to his mother when you weren’t there, so she was wrong to pass that onto to you.

It’s not your place to proactively insert yourself into defining the appropriate boundaries between your divorced parents when no one is drawing you in, nor should they, and they’re already navigating it well on their own anyway without your interference. So yes, I’d say YWBTA if you did.

I would vote differently if these were your events (like your wedding, your graduation) he wanted her to stay away from, which is what i expected to read when I first opened this up, but it’s just his side of the family’s events. Your mom doesn’t need to go to those, and she seems to agree, so just leave it be. There’s no problem for you to solve here.

k23_k23 said:

YWBTA. Stay out of your parent's relationship.

UPDATE:

My grandfather unfortunately passed away yesterday. I’m not going into the finer details, but he was suffering for a long time and as much as I miss him a lot, I’m glad he doesn’t have to suffer anymore. We are not holding a funeral, we’re holding a memorial service sometime next month.

My mom plans to send a letter to my grandma, and will no doubt continue to support her as planned once my grandma is ready. She’s not going. I don’t plan to convince her or my dad otherwise. Nor will I in the future.

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I think that the answers you gave were all really insightful and has caused me to re-evaluate how I place myself in my parents’ split. I’d like to clarify something: My parents do not typically involve me in their business.

They’ve done a very good job at keeping it private, and whatever I know I found out on my terms. On that note, I think that one of the commenters in particular was right: I was trying to insert myself in something that was my parents’ business.

I plan to talk to my therapist about this in the near future because upon reflection and feedback, I realize that it’s an unhealthy place for me to put myself. A lot of the things you guys said were things I think I needed to hear, so again, thank you.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

Patient_Meaning_2751 said:

Sounds like a tough situation. Thanks for the update. Take care.

clh1nton said:

Fwiw, I disagreed with the previous judgment. It didn't seem to me that you were inserting yourself between your parents. Rather, you were trying to support your mom as she tries to define what role she has in relationships with people she's cared about for a long time...

Despite the new lack of legal familial bonds. It seemed to me more that your father was inserting himself between your mom and his family (who, apparently, still consider her to be family).