Man reaches MAJOR crossroads in relationship; 'It's been 10 years. Is it OK to leave?' UPDATED 2X

When this man doesn't know if he can move forward with his relationship, he shares with the internet:

"I'm going to break up with the woman I love."

I (M31) have known her (F29) since we were teenagers. We got together 10 years ago, been living together for a bit over 7. It's been the perfect relationship in pretty much every way, we support each other through everything, we have fun together, she's my best friend and I'm hers, we're as intensely in love as we've ever been.

We've discussed marriage a bunch through the years, as of a few years ago it wasn't either of us' cup of tea, but more recently she has expressed an interest in tying the knot.

I don't really have an interest in marriage as a concept, but as I was intent on spending my life with her either way, if she needed a ring and a wedding I was more than willing to "accommodate" her.

As of around half a year ago, I was in the planning stages of a proposal, had even started to look for a ring. I didn't spoil the eventual surprise, but based on our conversations on the matter I don't think it would have been very unexpected to her if I'd popped the question. If anything, she must be wondering what's taking so long, at this point.

But our desires for the future have diverged in another way, that I can't just compromise over. She wants to be a mother, and I don't want to be a father. Much like marriage, for much of our relationship she didn't have such a desire, but now she does.

Unlike marriage, however, parenting is not just a symbolic thing I can accommodate her on. She didn't pressure me to change my mind, but she has tried to gauge whether there was wiggle room on my end, whether I could see my opinion on the matter change. I can't.

At this point, she has accepted that. I could pop into a jewelry store tomorrow, pick out a ring, propose to her at the next opportunity, she would say yes and a while later we'd be married, still on our way to spending our lives together...

even though she knows we will not have children together (she may still hold out hope I'll change my mind, I can't know for certain either way, of course). I'd get to be with her probably forever, which is really all I want.

But... She wants to be a mother. Not only has she expressed it to me, it has been painfully obvious in the way she is around our friends and relatives' babies and children, or in the way she awkwardly brushes off her mother's comments about waiting for grandchildren, ... It really is plain to see. I couldn't miss it if I tried and, trust me, for a while I did.

So I have to let her go. Or, since she has not exactly been trying to leave me, I guess a more accurate way to phrase it is that I have to push her away. I have considered the other options.

There's the selfish option, which really just involves staying with her, never giving her a child. I wouldn't even have to coerce her into this or lie about my stance on the subject.

But every parent I've asked has gushed about parenting being the most fulfilling experience they've gone through. And for some of them I saw first hand the exact same "tells" that they wanted to start a family that I now see with my girlfriend. I can't be the person taking that away from her. There's also a part of me that just fears she'd resent and leave me later on.

Then there's the option of committing to eventually become a father, for her. Maybe someday I'd even be thankful I did it, for me, after all some of the parents I've "polled" also said they weren't always keen to have children.

Some still had doubts even while expecting, and yet it still ended up being that wonderful, fulfilling experience they all described. But even as I type this, even as I try to convince myself I actually believe this, I just don't.

And while I've asked happy parents in healthy family units, there are also plenty of unhappy ones, or just shit ones, in this world. I think the least that every child deserves is to be wanted by both of their parents, and I can't see myself go through with this if there's even a chance that I won't meet even that very low bar. Even less so since I believe that chance to be quite high.

I've pondered variations of those two main ones, too. Waiting it out and hoping she changes her mind, maybe being an aunt or a godmother (both are likely to happen within the next couple years) in the future can be enough, ...

But they all seem like rolls of the dice, whose results will only be known years from now. When she expressed the desire to start a family, it was as a plan for a "few" years into the future. If that is to happen, without me, then I need to do this now.

I've already procrastinated, simply "pausing" my plans for a proposal when I first realized how much she really wanted this, hoping a better answer would magically appear before me. But I can't just kick this can down the road forever.

I've set the date, which is tomorrow. I will tell her I want to us to separate, I will tell her why as I have here. I have prepared myself in case she pushes back, tells me she doesn't want this, believes me to be lying about my reasons, pleads me to reconsider, ...

I think my resolve is strong enough to hold no matter what she throws at me. I expect this to be a shock to her, as I said she's likely to expect me to pop the question rather than to end things. I know I'm going to break her heart and I fg hate myself for it. I'm also going to break mine, but I guess that's on me.

I've already made plans for the aftermath, I know where I'll be staying for a short while after this, so I'll be out of her hair. I've laid out some options for longer term living arrangements. I already know that everyone around us, my own family included, is gonna think I'm either an asshole or a complete moron.

I doubt I'll get much in the way of empathy, but I also won't be looking for it. Can't plan for everything, though. Figuring out how to live without her's gonna be a b&ch.

Full transparency, I started writing this hoping I'd talk myself out of pulling that trigger. Hoping that typing it all out would reveal the magical answer I've been hoping for. But it hasn't. If anything it has reinforced what I already knew.

Edit:

Some of you are pointing out that I'm taking a choice out of her hands when it should be her decision, or at least a joint one. I actually agree.

But for months now I haven't been able to shake off the feeling that leaving that choice to her is in some ways cruel. Can you imagine leaving the one you love, shattering their heart... So you can then seek something they couldn't give you elsewhere?

The only reason I can make that decision is because yes, I'll be hurting her, but in the hope that she gets something she wants, that I can't give her, out of it. If the roles were reversed I could never leave her for my own "benefit".

I know it's still unfair for me to just take away her agency in this. I feel shit about it. I feel shit about a ton of things right now. I'll feel even worse tomorrow. But I don't know what else I can do that doesn't force an impossible choice on her.

Edit 2:

So this got a wide range of responses. Some of you agree. Some of you think I should be more nuanced in my approach. Some are being really weird and trying to shove sexism into this, or making up fanfiction that twists this into me just looking for an excuse to break up with her.

Some also are saying I should just force myself to have children, which I feel are the most bonkers takes. Lots of you are also saying I need a vasectomy, and yes that is something I plan to do.

Among the criticism saying I shouldn't just make that decision, a lot of you are saying I need to clarify to her how certain I am that I don't want children. I did mention that, maybe I didn't make it clear enough, but that has already happened.

She has talked to me about it, about whether there was any chance I'd change my mind. I have been as clear as I could have been that there was not.

And she has accepted it, and made her choice to stay with me despite that. These are things that have already happened. But despite making that choice it has been clear, painfully so, that she still does want children. That is why I'm taking the decision out of her hands.

Maybe I'm as dumb or as big an asshole as some of you are saying. Maybe I'm gonna ruin both our lives for no good reason. But there is no point at this stage in restating my stance and pawning the choice off on her again. I think the choice she made will make her unhappy in the long term, and I think I have to do what I'm going to do. There's nothing else to it.

Readers weighed in on OP's post:

agneytu writes:

This! I have been child free. I’m turning 37 this year and have never been so sure of the fact. I’m thankful that I’m having a hysterectomy in a few weeks, not only because the thing hurts me so much, but then I will be unable to have children at all, and frankly, living in the US, that’s a relief.

That being said, I hold a newborn, and it’s like this interesting battle starts. There’s something that happens to my body even though my mind is like “cute kid, glad it’s not mine and that I’ll never have any”.

That doesn’t mean that I want kids or that I regret not having any. And yeah, sometimes I wonder about the road not taken and what life would be like if I had kids, but my health isn’t great and the chance of me dying in pregnancy or childbirth is a bit higher than the average (not much, but enough for me to say no, thank you), so that’s enough for me.

I love my nieces and nephews (and great nieces and nephews now!) and my fur children. And I would be upset if a partner used my response to kids, even though I don’t want them and soon will be certain to be unable to have them, as a way to unanimously end the relationship without a single conversation.

Like, if you want to end the relationship because you want to end the relationship, just say that. Don’t get all paternal and weird about what you think the other person wants without having that conversation in the first place. It’s cowardice to do otherwise.

metaruoopra writes:

So here's the thing: I expect fully honest communications on life changing decisions like this. No hiding or pretending, because that's disingenuous and just hurts everybody.

If she's willing to compromise, then say it out loud how she's not happy with the decision but is willing to stay regardless of that fact and sees herself able to live her life happy and fulfilled despite of it (and if she's not, say it so OP knows and can talk about that too).

If she's just pretending to be happy in a childless relationship, then she's a massive massive AH in my books. She will be holding someone in a marriage where 1 partner is constantly unhappy with fundamentals of the relationship. Not many people want that kind of life, moreso if they are tricked into it by the partner basically lying / pretending.

OP needs to get her to share her real feelings, and then share his. Then they can make a proper decision like 2 loving independent adults should.

agop8 writes:

As well as you know her, you can't read her mind... and more importantly, leaving her doesn't guarantee she will ever have kids (or meet a man that wants to both commit to her AND be a father). You are really robbing her of control over her own life here, seemingly to assuage your own (IMO misplaced) guilt about something she hasn't even given as an ultimatum (or really a significant issue at all, for that matter).

I really hope you change your mind, and show her you trust her ability to make the best choice for herself. And then talk to her directly about what scares you, communication can do wonders to start working through that "what if she resents me when we're older" thought process. Wish you both the best, truly.

koplat writes:

This is a delicate matter, and I'm conflicted about it all. But in case you're interested in reactions/opinions, here are my disorganized thoughts.

Just to explain, I'm not one to advocate staying in established relationships simply because of the existing emotional investment. I'm all for putting compatibility above that.

From what I understand, you have decided to make this decision for her because you believe she isn't willing to let you go despite being certain that she wants kids, and that it will only harm her more if she stays with you longer.

You also fear that if she eventually decides to let you go, it might be too late for her to have biological kids and that she might then resent you.

It's noble of you to want her to have the life she wishes for, to not want to rob her of any (more) time, and to be willing to make such a difficult and painful decision for her sake. It really is.

Yet. I don't know if some situations genuinely call for it, but I think it's usually better not to make assumptions about what's best for other people, and not to make decisions for them. What I would do is simply talk to her openly about all this instead of deciding to end the relationship no matter what she says.

It has gotten to the point where you're almost determined to end things, which is a big deal, and from what you say, she doesn't even seem to know much about the thought process that led to that resolve.

So, I would have an honest conversation with her about all of it, involving her instead of robbing her of her choice, if what you are doing really is for her sake.

(What if, just what if, this is it for her and she would ultimately rather spend her life with you even if it meant not having kids? What if she's one of the people who can only imagine having kids with the right person, with someone they truly love and click with? Just throwing these thoughts out there.)

Update 1:

In my second and last edit to the original post, I told people not to expect an update. Frankly I didn't think I'd want to write one, nor did I really think I'd have anything much to say. Things didn't exactly work out how I thought and said they would, so here I am.

I did approach her last Saturday. I expressed what had been troubling me, and explained to her why I thought we should go our separate ways. As I thought it would, it came as a shock to her.

She told me that while she had been wanting to start a family with me, she thought she'd made it clear that she'd chosen me over that prospect, fully aware it would not happen. She emphasized that the "with me" part was essential to her, that she couldn't picture it any other way.

I told her that I was aware of the choice she'd made, but that I did not want to be the reason she'd miss out on being a parent. That while I'm sure she didn't make that call lightly, that I can tell she still wishes to have children (she did confirm that wasn't a desire that had just disappeared, that it was still there), and that while that's true I can only see her choice to stay with me leading to regret and resentment for her.

I'm not gonna retell the whole discussion, those are the very rough broadstrokes of both of our core positions, but it lasted hours, went through a range of arguments and emotions, cries on both sides, anger and distrust that I was being honest about my reasons on hers, ...

I'd written in the original post that I thought I had the resolve to end things with her no matter what. As it turned out, maybe it came from a lack of resolve or maybe she just got through to me and it would have just been stubbornness not to listen. But at the end of it we agreed on "just" taking time apart from one another for the foreseeable future.

On her part she promised me she would truly take that time to think about all of it, to re-examine her feelings in depth, on mine I committed to accepting her choice. The argument that convinced me was that this would be the first time in over a decade, the first time since we properly became adults, that we wouldn't be in each other's life, and that if the gain of perspective from being apart didn't change her mind, that had to mean something.

Trying to see things rationally, I think the reasoning is sound. On a more emotional level, I cannot say I'm 100% certain I'm not just convincing myself of that, but overall I do think it's the way to go.

The fact that, at this point, I don't know what she'll decide is one thing that makes me believe this was right. It also scares the shit out of me because, you know, one of the two options is that I lose her. Might be dumb since I was ready to end it, but thinking about that prospect did and still does wreck me.

Based on the responses I got last time, I'd wager many of you will think I was wrong to agree to this. Others advised exactly this, so maybe they'll be happy. Others, I'm sure, will still think I'm an asshole. Hopefully, this will turn out to be the right choice, whatever her decision ends up being.

We have not set exact an exact time frame, I've asked that she take "at least a few months" as that sounds like a good minimum, and more importantly that she takes as long as she needs.

We (obviously) won't be living together anymore. I'm currently staying at a hotel, but (her decision) she will soon (matter of days) move out of our apartment at which point I'll move back in. From that point on, we will have no contact with one another at all, except for very strict exceptions which will hopefully not arise (emergencies, personal tragedies, ...).

And that's pretty much it. I miss her already. The next while is gonna suck. The aftermath may also suck. But then again this doesn't suck any worse than I was expecting the aftermath of the definitive break up I thought would happen would suck.

I don't want to promise an update that will tell you how it all ends. That is months away, and I don't know that I'll be in a sharing mood. And that's even if this ends with good news. Sorry for that. Hopefully I will, though.

Update 2:

So, I'm not quite sure how many people remember and/or care about my original posts (they're still up on my profile if you need a refresher), but either way here it comes:

First of, I did break our no contact policy once. A couple weeks in, I reached out to let her know about my intent to get a vasectomy, which happened a few weeks after that. It was a short conversation, she told me she did expect I might want to do that, we both confessed to missing the other and that's pretty much it.

I hadn't told her before our break because I'm skittish about medical procedures and was still reading up on and talking myself into it, and I didn't wait 'til after because I felt that was information that could help her reflection and also didn't like the idea of either delaying the procedure for an unknown amount of time or going through with it "behind her back", if that makes sense. Now, onto the conclusion to all of this.

I won't keep you in suspense any longer, my partner and I are back together and have been for some weeks. Aside from my transgression, we had no contact with one another for the duration of our break, until she reached out to me saying she had made her decision and asking if we could meet later that day, at our place (technically just mine at that point but you get it).

Once she got there, she talked me through what she'd been doing during our time apart. She explained that at first she needed some time adjusting to life without me, not just in the sense of missing "me" as a person but also of not having a partner for the first time in a decade. Our experiences in that regard were rather similar, I guess we'd both grown to be somewhat co-dependent.

Once she was past that, she started exploring her feelings on parenthood. One thing she did was talk about it with friends and relatives, both with parents, future parents as well as child-free couples, talking about their experience, about how they came to end up where they did, ...

She also made a point to spend time with children, baby-sitting for friends semi-regularly and stuff like that. There was also a lot of pure introspection, thinking about her feelings as well as our relationship.

She told me that while she does love being around children, she can confidently say that she doesn't need children of her own, and that she would rather be with the right person. Lucky for me, she still thinks I'm that person. While we both (had to) shed a bit of our codependency, the yearning and love for one another didn't go away or dim for either of us.

Back to her thoughts on children and not having them, she said that she'd still have children in her life (her brother and his wife are planning to start a family soon, my own sister (who is on good terms with my partner) already has one, ...), and that that would be enough to fulfill that part of her.

She said she was sure and asked if I was going to be able to accept her decision. I said yes and thanked her for respecting my own decision not to have children and still wanting to be with me.

We also talked about how worthwhile each of us felt this time apart had been, she said that while it ultimately didn't change her mind, it reinforced it and she said that she could understand why I needed that added certainty.

She did add that she wished I'd been more open to her about this whole thing before I'd essentially convinced myself to end things with her, that she felt communication had before been a strong point of our relationship and that it did hurt to be blindsided. I committed to doing better in the future should any such circumstances arise.

And that's kind of it. We've fallen back into our relationship dynamic pretty seamlessly, she's back living with me in our apartment. We've been making up for lost time, catching up on what the other had been up to and made a point to have what I'd call an above-average amount of romantic evenings and such since we got back together. Really though the romance is nice, but just being with her again has been bliss.

Her thirtieth birthday is coming up over the summer and we've made plans for a 2 week getaway somewhere sunny to celebrate, just the two of us (we will also have a thing with friends and family once we're back, but we'll be away for the day proper). Not our first time vacationing together of course, but kinda pulling out all the stops on this one.

I'm also considering maybe popping the question then, but I first want to sound out that it is still what she wants. Hopefully I don't completely ruin the surprise trying to figure that out.

I'd like to thank those who left comments or reached out in DMs, whether they were messages of support, advice or criticism.

I was not in the ideal mindset to accept feedback after my initial submission, but I did find worth in a lot of what I dismissed at the time, re-reading those threads (the ones I made but also on another sub they were reposted to) during the past months. This will hopefully be the last update, but I'll try to answer a few comments.