Man REFUSES to share 'unicorn babysitter' with fellow parent; 'After what she said to me?! NO WAY.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to loan out my sitter?"

My ex and I share custody of our 9yo son Caleb. He had ODD and ADHD when he was 5. It was so bad that he got kicked out of summer camp and went through multiple sitters all before he was 6. His mom and I worked so being a SAHP wasn't an option.

A few summers ago, we found our unicorn sitter- Mike. We have no idea Mike makes it work but he does. Caleb has been a different kid ever since Mike started working for us. He is so well-behaved, polite and social. Mike is like his best friend. We joke that Mike is Caleb's executive assistant.

Earlier this year Caleb became friends with a classmate named Luke. They wanted a sleepover playdate and everything was good until we said that Mike would pick up both boys, bring them to my place, go to the pier and then back home to go to bed.

Luke's mom flat out said she wasn't comfortable with a male sitter. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't.

She said it was too weird for a male to babysit and wasn't cool with it. I said she didn't need to explain herself and there would be no playdates with our kids outside of school. She wasn't expecting that.

I told her if she's not okay with a male caregiver then she probably wouldn't be okay with Luke spending the night at my place since I'm a single dad. I pointed out that she was the first parent to have a problem with this and Mike occasionally works for other families at the school. She was offended that I was offended.

I ran into Luke's mom who said she needed a sitter for a couple of weeks as her old sitter quit and the new sitter wasn't free until mid-September. She then asked if Mike would be free. She even said she would need an overnight.

I said you can't be serious. You said you didn't trust Mike and now you want him to watch your son so you can have a social life? I admit that it took guts to ask.

I told her no, we will not share our nanny. You said that it was sus when a guy has a childcare job. She said she was joking and that Mike is a nice guy. I said I know he is but you can't use him.

For the record, the days and times that she needed him are days where he is working for us. She would had paid him on top of what we pay but Mike would be at Luke's house or his place.

My ex and I don't mind Mike double dipping on sitter fees by watching more than one kid because he can make a lot of money and Caleb gets a playdate. This was an exception where I did her a problem.

Let's see what readers thought:

fac8ytu writes:

Do you have a contract with Mike that includes full time permanent work and full health benefits? Or is he an independent contractor, and you are his CLIENT?

YTA, absolutely, for thinking you get to decide Mike's schedule and make choices for him on what other clients he picks up. You said he already nannies/babysits for other kids - if you suddenly start disliking one of those parents, do you honestly think you have the right to tell him he must no longer provide his services to them?

No matter what, you need to let Mike know that this mom expressed interest in his services. You can tell him your reservations about her, and you can decide that you don't want your son and hers having sleepovers.

If she's asking for Mike on a day/overnight when he already agreed to watch your kid, you can express to Mike that you do not wish to change the normal schedule or have the other kid over/have your kid go to that kid's house.

But you don't get to decide what Mike does outside of the terms you and he have already agreed to for your kid. If Mike feels comfortable with it, in his days off from working for you, he can and should make money by providing his services to other parents - even if YOU don't like them.

gartgatua writes:

NTA - This is called good ole Karma! I love it. She's all judgemental and making gross insinuations about him until she needs something & suddenly her concern for her kids safety disappears. This is exactly what she deserves.

I would also make sure Mike knows what she said about him in the past. She's still able to reach out to Mike on her own and Mike can choose to help her or not, but I think before he's put in the position of being asked, he should be able to make an informed decision based on knowing what this woman said & thought about him.

elbowbun writes:

That’s seriously patronising tbh. YTA for treating Mike like he’s not an autonomous adult capable of making making his own decisions.

Also, YTA for not giving that mother some grace & attempting to have an adult convo with her. She’s actually allowed to have an opinion about who looks after her kid. That’s what responsible parents do.

Maybe you didn’t like how she said it, but she legit has the right to say she’s not comfortable. Could be that she thought about what you said & changed her mind. Whatever it is, YTA for not handling this situation in a more appropriate manner.

bluelad writes:

I wouldn't have given her any grace either. It's existence as he'll that she thinks only females can be babysitters because obviously if a male is then he's a creep and a perv whose morals should be questioned extensively.

But when she needs someone to watch her kid, she was "just joking!" While yes "she legit has the right to say she's not comfortable with you having a male babysitter you legit have the right to tell her you aren't comfortable "sharing" Mike with her.

So sure give him all the information and the option to work for her if he so desires. "Luke's mom wants to hire you as her sitter for a couple of weeks with an overnight thrown in there until a female sitter who isn't a sus perv becomes available.

If you want to work for her that's up to you. I would appreciate you letting me know what you decide asap so I know if I need to find a new nanny for Ben going forward." NTA.

jcontract writes:

ESH - I understand that this woman is an AH but your sitter is a person not a lawn mower. He has agency and you should explain the situation to him and allow him to decide while also not penalizing him if he wants the extra money.

As someone who has worked as a nanny and gotten a decent wage at the time, decent doesn't equal a savings or other needs.

loveforteach writes:

ESH OP keeps insisting that Mike would turn the job opportunity down and that he can't work another job during his hours, but Mike may decide he prefers the other family and quit. You don't own Mike, OP.

The mom may be an AH but as a woman, there are so many stories of children being SA by trusted male family members that I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and think she was unfamiliar with Mike she hesitated but after being called out and getting to know him she realized she was wrong and wanted to hire him.

Sometimes our initial reaction is rooted in fear or bias, it shows promise to me that she changed her tune.

diarty writes:

Ultimately i't's nor your place to make the decision for Milke, unless you have some contract signed where if wants to freelance a little he needs your permission. in that sense, YTA.

But, i understand your reservations. Let Mike know, and explain why you delayed telling him, but you have to let Mike decide. Withholding this from him and him finding out another way will not be good for your working relationship.