Man refuses to be best man at best friend's wedding; 'I know his family is dysfunctional, but I don't want the role.' AITA?

"AITA for refusing to be the best-man at my best-friend's wedding despite knowing that I might be the closest person he has to family in the wedding-planning process?"

To dive right in, I’ve been best friends with Bill (26M, not his real name) since college. We’ve always been more like family and I love him like a brother. We met as freshmen and were roommates until basically he graduated (I stayed an extra year at that college because I did a co-term ).

Now, Bill has a rough history with his family. Without getting into too much detail, his dad was a terrible person, and that deeply affected Bill’s life. His mom was a bit better, but she never stepped in when he needed support, which strained their relationship.

This is important because Bill has only invited a few family members to his wedding—just an uncle and aunt who took care of him during high school. Because of this, he's been adamant that I attend.

Here’s the issue: I don’t like Bill’s fiancée, Amy (25F, not her real name). I can't tolerate her at all. Bill and Amy have been together for about two years, but their relationship has been on-again/off-again.

Amy was unfaithful at one point, and although they’ve worked things out, I saw firsthand how much mental torture Bill went through. She’s manipulative and somehow came out of that situation scot-free.

As a result, I can’t stand her. I’ve made that clear to both Bill and Amy—probably in language that’s too explicit for this post. Amy also dislikes me and holds a grudge because I told Bill to leave her after she cheated. So, the feeling is mutual.

Anyway, about three weeks ago, Bill called me and asked if I would be his best man. He said he really wanted me there because I’m one of the few people he considers family. I wanted to say yes, but I know that if I’m there, Amy and I will end up in a confrontation.

I told Bill I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to be his best man. Attending the wedding is one thing, but being in the wedding party is another. I can't stand her, but Bill insisted. He told me I might be the only "family" he has helping him in this process and really needs my support.

I explained to him that, as much as I love him like a brother, I don’t think it’s the right decision given the animosity between Amy and I. After about an hour of back-and-forth, he said he understood.

But then he asked me again this week. I feel really bad, but I know myself, and if I’m involved, I’m going to ruin this thing. I don't like her but I don't want to ruin his first-wedding for him. I’m not good at biting my tongue, especially not for months of wedding planning. I've asked my own younger-brother too and he also said it was the right call.

I feel guilty, but I believe it was the right call. Was I wrong to say no? AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

distin6 writes:

YTA. Dude, if you’re incapable of shutting your mouth about Amy for a single day, you need therapy. In no way shape or form do you need to be involved with wedding planning (other than his bachelor party, but that’s up to you and him) with her.

The couple does the planning, you nod and smile and play your part when the rehearsal/wedding day comes. That’s it dude. You’re telling your friend you don’t support him, and showing it by refusing to do the one thing he asked. You let him down just like his family and I promise you, he won’t forget that.

Just go, give him a killer bachelor party, play your part on the wedding day, and don’t speak to Amy more than necessary.

imaginobd writes:

You're NTA. You’re just trying to avoid turning Bill’s wedding into a WWE match with Amy. You love your buddy, but you know if you’re the best man, there’s gonna be drama and probably a chair thrown. You’re saving his big day from becoming a reality show disaster.

ahgauit writes:

YTA. The fact that his fiancee is such a raging B is precisely why you need to stick with him more than ever. If you're the only close friend he has, then probably you're the only one who can call out her problenatic behavior and remind him that he deserves to be treated better. You're being a very bad friend right now.

aghay8 writes:

YWBTAH. It may be the right call for you, but he IS your friend. And friends stand by friends. You do not have to approve of his choice to be his best man--the person that means the most to him.

I'm sorry, but I think this is something you should do. You don't like it, keep it to yourself. You make yourself scarce in proximity of the bride, keep a civil tongue in your head, and be there for your friend. And if the history of their relationship is any indication, it would be good of you to be there when the marriage fails, too.

esaya7 writes:

NAH and its insane so many are claiming otherwise. It's your life and they are your feelings. You are not obliged to join your friend in jumping off a relationship cliff or participate in him committing a massive mistake in your opinion.

Your friend has every right to want you there, but no right to invalidate your feelings, apprehensions, and decisions.

Being a good friend doesn't mean always supportinh bad decisions. That's blind loyalty and it is harmful and stupid.

aprosepec writes:

Not a bro, but I completely agree with this. I learned this lesson the hard way. My BF growing up married an abusive man (25 years later he is in prison for nearly killing his girlfriend and has HIV) and I held my ground that I would not participate in their wedding. Well, he leveraged that to isolate her from me.

And she was in an extremely abusive relationship for the next decade. Btw, the girlfriend and HIV happened after my friend left him. Bottomline, I stood my ground and he used it to show that I was a shitty friend and didn’t care about her. So, he was able to excise me from her life and that was one less person who could be a safe space.

About six years later, my sister met a man who wasn’t quite as bad, but still pretty abusive. I recognized the signs immediately. And I worked my ass off to acquiesce to all of that man’s bullshit, even though I wanted to harm him. I was in their wedding and I even gave a sappy bullshit speech.

I told all of our family and close friends to keep their mouths shut because she wasn’t ready to hear it and he would use it against us. Long story short, we all endured his bullshit for 7 years before my sister finally woke-up (thank god she never had kids with him).

Twelve years later, she’s been married to a great guy for 10 years, they have two wonderful kids, who are super close with my kids and she is happy. She has thanked me many times for not abandoning her.

Her ex tried to tell her many times that me and my family didn’t really love her, but she didn’t believe it because we were always there for her, no matter what.

You get to do what you want, but this is what I have learned.

moneysystm writes:

YTA. You should be there to support him through the good and bad times. Not going makes your support conditional. If things go badly, he'll feel like you're not going to be there for him which will isolate him further. Just be the best man.

cagah writes:

NAH. I think your decision makes sense, I've witnessed many a friend replicate their childhood / parental trauma by choosing partners that feel like "home".

It's an uncomfortable position to be in, but you're doing the most loving thing you can by ensuring that his wedding day is not ruined by your presence. It sounds like he's in delusion about the sort of person his wife is, which is probably why he believed the day would go forward without issue.