Man REFUSES to hold GF's hand at funeral; 'Her sadness is taking a backseat.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to hold my girlfriend's hand at a funeral?"
Okay, so first of all, context: My girlfriend and I are both pretty close to Omar (23M). I've known Omar considerably longer than Leia has, but they are also somewhat close. Omar's half-brother, Khalid, died recently.
He was severely disabled, and it wasn't a shock, but it did hit Omar really hard, and he's been a wreck. Its hard seeing him like this, and about 5 of us are coming with him just for moral support.
The funeral was on Friday. My girlfriend is a girl, and in Omar's culture any kind of touching between boy and girl is frowned upon. Leia and I both knew this going in, but during the funeral she did get a bit upset and wanted to hold hands or something to comfort herself.
Leia didn't actually know Khalid, but she gets upset pretty easily, which is why I did previously suggest she didn't come.
Omar is a guy, so hugging him was allowed, which I did, a lot. Leia started sulking midway through the funeral, and I may have become more of an asshole here, because I ignored her from then on, and focused on Omar.
Leia went home early and I stayed with Omar, lying and saying she had to go sort out something with her mum, and i went home later.
Leia is mad at me, and she thinks I should have comforted her, but Omar was my priority. She said that she should always be my priority but I disagree. AITA? I don't think I am, but I feel bad, because even now her sadness is taking a backseat to my worry about Omar. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought:
graou9dhog writes:
YTA, I feel like you intentionally wrote this to make your gf look bad. She didn't go for the guy who sadly passed away or your close friend, she went because he meant something to YOU, her bf. She pushed through even though she gets upset about it, she wanted comfort, not se% from you.
A hand to hold, no intense se%ual act. You actually believe that during a FUNERAL, people would be looking at you holding your gf's hand for comfort? Like they have nothing else on their mind.... If anything I'd notice you abandoning her midway like an A-hole. Sure your close friend takes priority but are you truly incapable of at least not ignoring your gf while you hug your close friend?
You make this about religion but fail to address the issue of straight up ignoring your gf in need of comfort when she went to there for you. Major TA.
agahewrp writes:
NTA. OP said that she doesn't really know the deceased very well. Putting that aside, is it really that hard to not expect attention when other people are grieving their loved one?
I mean, maybe I'm being a little insensitive, but if I know that I'm the type of person who gets upset easily, and I know that my partner needs to attend the funeral of his close friend's brother (who I also don't know very well),
wouldn't it make sense to stay home then wish them my condolences another time when it's more appropriate, so that I don't get overwhelmed during the funeral and don't take attention away from the grieving family because I NEED to be consoled?
OP's gf just NEEDED to be at a funeral of someone they don't know that well, even when she knew she's easily overwhelmed by emotions and insisted on being comforted in a religious institution in ways that defy the grieving family's cultural norms,
because the gf doesn't believe they're inappropriate and felt that she just NEEDED as much attention as Omar, then made a scene when she didn't get her way. At a funeral!!! This screams that the gf (hopefully soon to be ex) has main character syndrome and has difficulty empathising with others.
rseolute writes:
Honestly, YTA. You come from different cultures and there should be some MUTUAL understanding and respect. No, your girlfriend is not disrespectful or overly sensitive for wanting to hold your hand on a funeral, although she could have avoided it for a single occasion.
On the other hand, I think the real problem is that you can't really see things from her POV. I'm a woman from Europe who has traveled to the middle east a couple of times. You will not believe how disrespected I feel every time I have interacted with muslim men.
Maybe it's "in their culture", but in my culture, when you meet people you greet them, you don't hug the men and act like you don't even see the women. That's very disrespectful in my culture and frowned upon. So, in this case, there should be some mutual understanding.
It was something first for your girlfriend to experience so it's expected for her to feel neglected considering her own boyfriend won't support her. No, she doesn't want to be "the main character", she just wants to feel equal and not lesser of a person. You owe her an apology.
qulde writes:
Imagine throwing a tantrum at a funeral of someone you don't even know because your partner is respecting the cultural rules of the person who has passed at their own damn funeral, and comforting the person who actually experienced the loss.
Imagine thinking the world should center around you in circumstances like that. She is entitled & nasty.
NTA & find a new girlfriend unless you want to spend your life with somebody who makes every important moment about them up into and including literal life & death.\She couldn't stand it to have anybody else receive your support when she had nothing to do with this.
mindumlst writes:
ESH And here we have the clash between an irrational religious stricture, and a real human person asking reasonably for comfort. You care more for Omar and his religious nonsense.
Funerals are showcases of that religion's beliefs, as Leia knows. We are often torn between wanting to honor and remember our loved one, and the senseless but expected traditional religious performance we join in enacting.
qahrty writes:
YTA, unless your friend is fully aware that couples hold hands in your culture, and even in most of (based on the names) what I'm assuming you think his is. Half of my family is Muslim, and nobody would have a problem with something that trivial. Why do you think that just because of his religion he can't put up with your culture?
huron writes:
YTA. The girl was at a funeral— she knew Omar. She may not have known Khalid but she knew Omar. Again, it’s a FUNERAL. Where someone died. Death occurred.
That’s sad regardless of if you know them or not. I guarantee there was at least one distant family members in attendance there who knew Khalid as well as Leia did. Some guy on the street could randomly die and Leia’s mourning of that person would still be valid.
Did Leia go too far in suggesting she should be his #1 priority? Yeah maybe, she’s the gf not the wife, some other things will take priority. Was she some selfish she-demon with no regard for other’s lives who wanted to make a funeral all about herself? Absolutely not! Dare I say people are looking for a reason to tear down a woman?
She was sad & upset, and probably wanted to show up and show support for Omar. She got upset, rightfully so, because she’s at a FUNERAL. She couldn’t comfort Omar out of respect for his culture, and probably didn’t expect her boyfriend to completely ice her out, again, at a FUNERAL.
Wanting comfort and being sad at a funeral that isn’t directly related to you is not a foreign concept, I don’t know why the comment section is pretending it is. I’m not surprised she went home after realizing she couldn’t offer much support and was becoming more upset with not even a held hand to comfort her. Is it a trend to hate our partners now?