Woman bad mouth's step kids' dead mom; then gets mad when they don't call her 'mom.'
My stepmom is upset that she isn't considered my mother and invited to my friend group's mom hangouts.
Fun_Sink3628 writes:
My dad and Rebecca have been married since I (16 M) was seven and my sister (15 F) was six. Quick background: My parents were not divorced when my mom died but were going through a divorce.
When they first separated, it was because my mom had changed a lot and was undiagnosed with brain cancer at the time, which had caused a lot of behavioral changes. I still remember how big those changes were.
The diagnosis came just before she died. While my parents were separated, Dad met Rebecca, and they got married three months after mom died. They had postponed the wedding since they were no longer waiting for the divorce.
Rebecca had always negatively perceived Mom because Dad told her about her behavior before they separated. She said our mom was a lousy parent and would ensure we knew what a good mom looked like. She has called herself our mom from almost the beginning of their marriage. Years later, I found out she knew back when she married my dad that she couldn't have biological kids.
My sister and I have never liked Rebecca because of what she says about Mom. Dad knows how we feel, and after he did some therapy, he would tell her to stop. But he also told us that we should understand that Rebecca loves us and feels like we deserve the best, and she might sometimes say the wrong thing.
With all that out of the way, I can explain the problem. I have a pretty big friend group. Six of my friends' moms have made their own little mom group to get together, vent, and hang out. I think sometimes they use it to plan who'll host something or will volunteer to chaperone some things.
The moms in the group all know my sister, and I do not consider Rebecca our mom and that we dislike her. My sister is also part of the friend group, so they know her feelings, too. Rebecca wanted to join the group many times and was always kept out.
Then, a month ago, Rebecca approached the moms when she saw them out for coffee together and asked why she was never welcomed in. They told her she was not a mom, so that they wouldn't include her.
She argued back that she was mine and my sister's mom. They said we say differently and that our opinion matters more. They also told her they would never make things uncomfortable for the kids by including her since it would mean she would be around the friend group for certain group stuff we've done together.
Rebecca vented over dinner, and I shrugged her off when she asked what I had to say. I don't feel the tiniest bit bad that she's been excluded. But she was angry, and Dad told me I should be kinder. AITA?
Here are some of the top comments from the post.
Individual_Ad_9213 says:
NTA (Not the A#%hole). Your friends' mothers can choose who is in their group and who they keep out of it. Since you and your sister, even after nine years of her being married to your father, you and your sister continue to dislike your stepmom, which is an important consideration for them. No one can force you to like someone who bad-mouthed your biological mother; that is between you and her.
Somethingpandahead says:
NTA is not sure where she got this, but talking sh*t about a dead mother in front of her children isn't going to score points, and it doesn't even sound like she apologized for her bad behavior.
happybanana134 says:
NTA. When it comes down to it, Rebecca is being excluded as a result of her behavior, not yours. Had she given you space and not pushed herself onto you and your sister, maybe you'd have a good relationship with her, and the other parents would have included her.
Insulting your mother - who was ill and is no longer here to defend herself - is remarkably low behavior on her part. You are absolutely not responsible for her social life.
What do you think? Should OP be kinder to his dad's wife, or is he right not to consider her his mother?