'AITA for telling my son he has to live with the consequences of how he treated his children?'
"AITA for telling my son he has to live with the consequences of how he treated his children?"
My son lost his first wife when their two children were preschoolers. My grandson is now 17, and my granddaughter is almost 16. Their relationship with my son has been on a downward spiral for years. It started when he and his current wife moved in together. She had two kids of her own, and early on, they showed extreme jealousy whenever their mom would pay any attention or buy anything for my grandkids.
They were older (teenagers) and said a number of cruel things to my grandkids. My grandkids told my son, they told my wife and me, and we spoke to our son, but he ignored all four of us. My wife also spoke to my son's second wife (prior to the wedding), and she said her kids would adjust in time.
My grandkids spent years living with two much older kids who told them they deserved to have a dead mom and that she had wanted to die because nobody would want them around. They accused them of stealing from them because their mom shouldn't be doing anything for them. There were incidents where they broke the stuff their mom bought my grandkids.
My wife and I pleaded with our son to do something to help his kids. We said they didn't deserve to be raised like that. The problems continued even after the older kids moved out. They still expressed a lot of jealousy and hatred for my grandkids.
I never interacted much with my son's stepkids. I saw them a handful of times in the years my son has been married to his current wife. They would mostly go to their dad if my son and his wife were spending time with us or any of our other kids.
Or they would reject offers to spend time with us. But the few times I did see them, I was always shocked by how blatant their hate for my grandkids was and how my son never appeared to care.
One incident, in particular, stands out. It was my granddaughter's birthday, and she got some art kit she had wanted. It set off the two older kids who called her a b#^%h baby and even broke part of the kit. My wife and I spoke up to our son and his wife, but they did nothing and said nothing.
My grandkids now spend a lot of time with my wife and me. They hardly speak to their dad despite living under his roof. They wanted us to get custody of them but we were denied. So they have taken to doing their best to make it through the next year/two years.
My son is only now starting to care that the relationship with his kids has been destroyed. He asked me why we tried to fight for custody of the kids when he's their dad and accused my wife and me of turning the kids against him. This is when I stopped him and said we didn't turn them against him. He is just living with the consequences of ignoring what his kids were telling him.
I told him he put them through years of bullying so he could marry and stay married, and now he has to live with his decision. My son ranted at me and said the last thing any parent should do is try to make their kid feel bad about themselves, which is what I was doing. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
inFinEgan says:
NTA Wow, the irony of your son suggesting that YOU are making him feel bad. What about how bad he's made his kids feel for years. The obliviousness of some people. Good luck helping those kids make it through the next year and until both can move out.
One question-- did you take the time to tell the your step-grandchildren off? If you haven't, might I suggest you do that as soon as possible and in front of your grandchildren? I'd bet they would love to see that.
blanketstatement5 says:
"My son ranted at me and said the last thing any parent should do is try to make their kid feel sh%tty about themself." Pot, meet kettle. What a f%#king clueless, self-absorbed, disgusting thing to say when he has failed miserably to protect his children, undoubtedly leaving them with a lifetime of trauma and mental health issues that they are going to have to deal with. NTA.
DutchDaddy85 says:
NTA. He's had plenty of opportunities to ensure the relationship with his kids would be better. In addition to his kids and you telling him about things that happened, he's also witnessed things, like the example you're giving with the birthdays.
You're not turning his kids against him; you're giving his kids a place to escape their home situation, and the only reason that's a necessity is because their dad didn't defend them against that. That's on him.
What do you think? Should OP not have tried to gain custody, or was he right to try and get his grandkids out of that situation?