'AITA for signing my kids up for public school behind my wife's back?'
"AITA for signing my kids up for public school behind my wife's back?"
So, I (36M) am a dad to 6-year-old twins, and my wife (28F) is a stay-at-home mom who has recently gone full crunchy mom mode. She's all about essential oils, no processed foods, cloth diapers when they were babies, and she's absolutely against anything mainstream.
For the longest time I didn’t mind her lifestyle because a lot of it is about healthy living and I want the best for our kids. But things are starting to get way out of control.
The latest issue is that my wife is dead set on homeschooling the twins. She’s convinced that public school is “toxic” and that our kids won’t thrive in a system that’s “designed to make them little robots.”
She even has a few friends in her crunchy mom group who homeschool their kids and she’s been talking nonstop about joining their co-op. I’ve expressed my concerns about this from the beginning.
I work full-time and I don’t think she realizes how hard it’s going to be to manage homeschooling two kids at the same time while giving them a proper education.
But she won’t hear it. Anytime I bring up public school she shuts it down immediately, saying she doesn't want the twins to get bullied or that we’ll lose control of what they’re learning. I just don’t think homeschooling is realistic and I can’t see how she’ll keep them on any sort of consistent schedule.
I gave her time to prove me wrong over the summer, thinking maybe she’d ease into it and have a plan. Instead, she’s spent most of the time bouncing between different unschooling philosophies and signing them up for random activities with her crunchy mom friends. The kids are constantly bored, and I’ve seen them starting to fall behind.
I'm not proud to admit it but I went behind her back and enrolled the twins in public school for the fall. I told her a few weeks before school started and she absolutely lost it.
She accused me of betraying her and said I was undermining her role as a mother. She keeps saying I don’t trust her to raise our kids which isn’t true. I just don’t think she’s prepared to handle homeschooling and I don’t want the twins to suffer because of it.
She spent the whole first week of school trying to make me feel guilty by saying the twins are miserable and that I’ve ruined their childhoods by forcing them into the system.
The thing is as far as I can tell the twins actually loved their first week school. They’ve made friends and like their teacher. But my wife keeps insisting they’re just pretending to like it to make me happy.
Now, she’s talking about pulling them out mid-year and starting over with her homeschooling plan but I’m putting my foot down. I want the best for my kids, and I honestly think public school is the right choice for them right now.
My wife is making me feel like I’m the bad guy for going behind her back and forcing them into something she was so against.
AITA for enrolling the twins in public school without her consent? Should I have handled it differently? I'm starting to feel really guilty about what this is doing to my wife.
EDITING TO ADD:
I looked into homeschooling and unschooling and did my research. I had hoped my wife had a plan which was why I gave her the summer to figure that out.
Let's see what readers had to say:
sasayset writes:
YTA. She is your wife and the mother of your children, and she absolutely gets a say in how your kids are raised. You went behind her back to do this, and that is why YTA.
It’s fine that you disagree, but you need to figure out a way to compromise. Both of you need to compromise - either find a private school that works for both of you, or find a way to be involved in your children’s public school life so that your wife feels comfortable with the curriculum, or find a path forward for homeschooling.
The key is to do this together. That’s what marriage and raising a family is all about - working together towards a common goal. If you aren’t on the same page, you need to both take a step back and figure out how you can both compromise a little to achieve an outcome that is BEST for your children.
I understand why you did it, but it was wrong, and that’s the only reason you’ve come here to ask if you are TA. You did it behind her back.
If you would have said, “I want you to have a organized homeschool curriculum, and if you don’t have it figured out by XX date, I want to move forward with enrolling the kids in public school,” that would have been different because you would have communicated and allowed her to understand the options you were comfortable with.
ring45 writes:
NTA, but homeschooling isn't bad in any way. I've had homeschooled friends and they all hit college and were skipping grades because they learned the material faster with no distractions.
They were also in sports, music classes, and stuff like gymnastics. If she was serious about homeschooling the kids would benefit. They'd also take home far less sicknesses. I don't think there's any kid who doesn't enjoy the first couple of years of public school, but once they hit middle and high school is where all the problems will start.
aghayu writes:
ESH. That’s a pretty major decision. I’m of the belief that major decisions should be joint decisions. If communication has broken down to the point you’re hiding something this major, it’s time for major change, therapy, divorce, or a combo of those 3.
If she has no experience with early education and she’s getting all her info from blogs and other similar sources as you’ve made it seem, I do not think she is making a good decision regarding their education. For what it’s worth, I do think public school was the correct decision in your situation.
Lastly, you said something I want to focus on for a min. She’s worried you will “lose control of what they’re learning”. You will. That day is coming no matter what, no matter how long she tries to put it off. It’s inevitable.
My goal as a parent is to make sure my child is prepared, has the tools to make the right decisions; maintain an open mind and keep ideas that align with her beliefs — but be able to walk away from those that don’t.
agha2333 writes:
There are specific reasons why a child can and should be home schooled. (Eg health issues, remote living, and other possibilities). If they are learning by a planned curriculum it’s fine and kids can do well.
If it’s “junior 1 is interested in building so this week they can play with all the Lego and mine craft they want to. Junior 2 is interested in geography this week so they can spend the week watching you tube travelling videos and colouring in maps. Junior 3 likes clothes so they can play with their Barbie dolls and learn to sew up those dresses over there”.
Some of that is valid learning. But it’s not necessarily going to take them far. And I’m not dismissing the benefits of Lego, colouring in or barbie dolls but there should be a plan.
Some home schoolers do it and do it well. Others just go with the “children should ONLY learn what they are interested in. They only need to learn to read when they ask for it”. And unfortunately those children can get left behind without the right skills for later in life. NTA.
aohiu23 writes:
ESH. You both need to work together to reach a decision about how to educate your kids instead of fighting each other. Have either of you taken the time to truly research the good, the bad, and the ugly for home education, public education, and alternatives to that such as private and charter schools?
Have either of you made pro/con lists for these options? If you are going to debate, you have to be fully prepared to argue both sides. What a horrible example you are both setting for your twins!
For homeschool research: tour homeschool co-ops and ask the parents and students LOTS of questions. Research different styles of homeschool and available curriculums for homeschooling. Research statistics about acceptance rates for homeschool students to colleges.
Ask your wife- what kind of schedule will she create to consistently educate them? What are the laws about homeschooling in your area? How will she document their learning? What curriculum does she plan to use? What will she do when something isn’t working?
What extra activities will she get the twins involved in to make sure they are interacting with many different people (scouts, sports, church, art classes, theater, co-ops…). How much will this cost?
For public, private, and charter- go take tours! Ask the high schools questions about their stats- what’s the graduation %? What are the statistics for what students do after graduating- how many go to higher education, how many are able to get scholarships
(and what kind? Equal mix of academic and sports or mostly sports), what colleges do the grads go to, how many go to tech school? What kind of educational programs do the high schools have to support students who don’t want to go to higher education?