Man stalks birth mom; baffled when it results in him meeting birth father too. AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this man is determined to get to know his birth mother, he asks the internet:
"I keep low key stalking my birth mom but she doesn't know it's me. AITA?"
She had me when she was FOURTEEN. And I (24M) was given up for adoption. My parents told me about her growing up. I still have the letter she wrote me that she asked if they could give it to me if they wanted.
It’s crazy reading it sometimes and knowing it was a literal child who wrote it saying she’s sorry she couldn’t be my mommy but she hopes I’m happy. She was open to having contact but we moved for my dad’s job when I was 11 and then it seemed impossible to find her.
But luckily I did. She’s working at this small restaurant and I keep going but she doesn’t know it’s me. We talk sometimes. And she seems like a nice lady. Sometime when she says something like “do you want a refill, honey” or uses another term like that I wanna tell her.
Idk why it makes me nervous. We talk sometimes and she seems really genuine. If it’s not super busy she’s more open to talking about random stuff. I literally drive 2 hours to come eat at this place just to see her. And it’s like she knows me already because I’m there once or 2 times a week for the past 3 months so she always says hi with a big smile.
Before we give you OP's 2 big updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
carrt6 writes:
My only advice is don’t tell her when she working. It could blindside her and possibly affect her work. You should go when the Restaurant is near close and tell her towards the end of her shift if possible.
Just a suggestion that I think is carefully thought out to keep her safe. I imagine there will be a lot of crying once you tell her. Uh a part of me wishes you would tell her just bc I would love to hear a Cinderella ending. But another part of me is Reluctant bc I don’t want you to get hurt if something bad comes out of it.
You can always write a letter and instruct her boss to give it to her at the end of her shift. Include your phone number in it in case she decides to contact you. And just wait. Chances are she will contact you and you can talk on the phone.
That’s what I would do. It would be the safest thing for both parties and can help eliminate the tension. Tell her how you feel and how much the letter she wrote to you means. Good luck OP, please write an update to your story. I would love to read the outcome.
habu7 writes:
Please tell her and try not to wait to long... Hear is my story: I'm the byproduct of an affair. Mom was single, bio-dad was not. After I was born, he went back to his wife and other kids, I had no contact with him.
When I was 3 mom was married and he adopted me, he is dad. When I was 14ish, I found out that I had a bio-dad out their. I chose not to contact him, as he put his life back together, had another child with his wife. I never wanted to interfere and open old wounds.
Fast forward to just over 3 years ago, in my mid-40s, I did a 23andMe for the health results, I wanted to see if their was anything I needed to be concerned about from that side as I did not know much about them outside of the names and a bit of Facebook checking out.
I had cousin from that side contact me when the DNA matched up. We started talking, found out the family that know about me had been longing to meet me, including the bio-dad. So I meet them, it went great and I have gotten close with them. I love the family and they are great people.
5 months after meeting them, bio-dad had a major heart attack and almost did not make it. For the next year he was in the hospital more than out. We lost him in February of last year. He has now been gone longer than I knew him.
Their were a lot of questions that I and my mom had for him, some of which could have been very hard. Right away I did not want to ask as it was new. Then after the heart attack, he was in rough shape, I did not want to stress him out by asking, so never had the chance to get some of those answers.
And a lot of that time we did get to see him, he was in the hospital. Never had the chance to really get to know the real him.
But even with his loss, I now have the rest of the family that is in my life, 3 new brothers, niece and nephews, cousins who are some great people that I really enjoy spending time with and getting to know.
I did sadly miss out on meeting my grandparents. Everything that the family has said, my grandma was a wonderful person and really wanted to met me, even had pictures and articles from the paper from me growing up. Of the whole experience, this is the one thing I regret, I wish we would have connected a few years earlier.
After my all my ramblings, my point, don't wait to long to tell her. You don't have to do it today, but you don't want to loose that chance. You could have another terrific family out their that in addition to her to have in your life.
You have a connection and it sounds like you two get along, and hopefully that means it will continue once she knows. And on the off chance things don't work out, she is a few hours away, your not going to run into her at the grocery store on a weekly basis.
Best of luck and hope to see an update!
firet writes:
It shows how much you want to see her by going that distance. She probably doesn't know it's you, but maybe she hopes it is. Please tell her, OP. I like the idea of writing it down. Let her know you read the words she left you 24 years ago and how they resonated. Tell her what you've been up to.
As a mom, and a new one at that, even after 24 years- and even if we never "bonded"- I would still love my child. And the pain I would have to overcome in order to move on with my life would be incredible.
To go through that at 14, to have those very adult and very real feelings of "incapable" and just imagining a pregnant 14 year old writing the words "I'm sorry I couldn't be your mommy" really is saddening.
I read a lot of stories like this where people start bashing the mom but given limited context, it seems like she made a smart decision that had to have changed her emotionally. Glad there's not a ton of bashing at least that I've seen.
To kind of flip things to the other side for a minute, you just need to understand that the ball is in your court. Be prepared for whatever comes of it and don't set expectations.
I do think that it's better to know than be left wondering, so when it feels right to you, maybe sit down and start writing. I'm going to emphasize: BE YOU. But hell, man, if you want to go be in her company without her knowing while you work up the courage.. do it. There's nothing wrong with it imo.
Remember that life is short. Do what makes you happy and search for resolutions to your unanswered questions.
sufaiw7 writes:
Definitely tell her. My wife has a very similar story. Her birth mother was 17 when she was pregnant and gave her up for adoption. She wrote a note to my wife when she was born explaining that she loved her, but couldn't provide a good life for her. It was such a sweet note that helped avoid the "why didn't she want me?" thoughts.
By the time we met, when she was 23, my wife has used hints in the note and on her birth certificate to track down her birth mother's family tree and a few close family member obituaries. Long story short, my wife tracked down her birth mother's Facebook.
After much debating, my wife messaged her. The message began with "23 years ago, a brave young woman made the difficult choice to place her newborn girl up for adoption." It was very scary, but the note gave her some confidence that her birth mother would want to talk.
They now frequently text and call each other about once a week. My wife's birth mother even helped her find her biological father. They are both wonderful people who are so happy that she found them.
I know that this is just some random person's story on the internet, but I hope it gives you some courage. The fact that your birth mother wrote you a letter shows that she wanted to reach out to you. I guarantee that she has been afraid that you would hate her.
Whatever you choose, I wish you luck. I'm glad that you have found her and that you can get some idea of what kind of a person she is.
sungai writes:
My husband found his birth grandma a decade after his dad passed away. She will be elated to know it’s you. It’s never too late to say something.
His grandma said she spent so many years looking at Jewish boys wondering if they were her son she gave up at 15. In a way it was so healing for her to meet my husband as he really takes after his dad looks, and the image in her head was finally in front of her. He has the same beautiful hair she always pictured.
Your mom might have done the same. She might have spent the last 24 years looking at boys with your phenotype wondering. Maybe wondering about that sweet boy who sits at her table and has the same laugh as her.
I hope you find the best time to reach out to her bc she’s probably been waiting her whole adult life for this moment.
And now, OP's first update:
Well… I did it I told her. And yeah it was pretty heavy. My heart was even beating fast. i kept trying to think how to tell her. Many of the comments on my last post here mentioned writing her a letter just how she wrote a letter for me. Originally that was the plan but for me it felt like I needed to say it.
Oh, really quick I wanna say thanks to everyone for their love and support. Mostly to all the birth parents out there who shared their stories with me. That’s what really helped push me to have the courage to confront her. It meant so much so thanks.
Everything happened day before yesterday btw. I did wait for her to be done with her shift and that was when they were closing the restaurant already. And waited in the parking lot.
We said hi when she saw me first but then I told her there was something serious that she needed to know. First told her sorry for keeping it from her this long. She didn’t react until I actually pulled out her letter.
And she started bawling from there. Like screaming and crying at the same time, and didn’t even have to finish the whole “I’m your son” speech. She just saw it and knew. It was crazy.
Next thing I know she’s hugging me instantly but then she pulled back and asked if it’s okay to hug me. Ofc it is and we’re just there hugging an crying in the parking lot. It hit her hard though. Her legs gave out for a second so I had to actually hold her up while she’s still hugging me for a min.
What really got me was her saying to me look how big you got. also hearing her cry made me cry too. She went back to open the restaurant up (she wouldn’t take no for an answer) we had coffee, ate a slice of their pie inside and talked.
Soooo many stuff we talked about. She told me the second time I came to the restaurant she got a feeling but for her it was hard believe it was me. So that feeling she had was pushed way down.
Because she told me for years after I was adopted she saw kids that would be my age and used to think they were me. Then she would be crying in public. It fd with her mind a lot and made her depressed so she didn’t want to do the same when she saw me, getting her hopes up like that.
She says I look so much like my biological dad when he was younger though. We talked about him too. They stayed in contact with eachother incase I ever reached out to one of them so it would be easier to contact the other.
I didn’t have hope about finding my biological dad since he was never mentioned so I’m glad they both planned for this future scenario. She told me about how they wanted to keep me.
Especially my biological dad, he didn’t want me to be adopted. But he knew they had to because they were just kids. It took him a long time to get passed it after I was born she told me. That’s why he didn’t leave anything because he didn’t wanna believe he might not see me again.
We talked for hours. Til almost 2 in the morning (they closed at 11). She just wanted to know everything about me but her main thing was “am I happy”. Were my parents good to me. Did I have a happy childhood.
And I did. I told her thank you for helping to give me this life. We both cried again. She cried the most. Everything was very emotional for her. Sometimes she would look really happy but then get sad again.
After my 18th birthday she was hoping I would find her that’s why she stayed in the same city. But since I didn’t she always thought maybe I resented her, wasn’t told I’m adopted, or maybe had decided it was better not to have her around. It made me feel bad for not telling her sooner.
She told me it’s not my fault and I did right going at my own pace. Honestly she’s so sweet. The way she kept looking at me with the biggest smile, it made me emotional sometimes.
Makes you think how can someone who’s been a total stranger ur whole life look at you with so much love. It’s wild. We learned so much about eachother. She asked me if we could have dinner soon to keep talking. And if at some point in the future if I’m interested come over to her house so I can meet her husband. That all sounded really great.
We exchanged numbers. After I left she sent a text telling me thank you for giving her this gift that she didn’t know if it would ever come.
My girlfriend came over and she hugged me while I cried. I wasn’t sad btw these were happy tears. Everything went better than I expected. There was still emotionally heavy stuff but I’m still glad that we got to open up to eachother.
And now, OP's second major update:
Lots of you asked to let you know how it goes meeting my biological dad and to say it was emotional….is an understatement. I’ve been feeling so many things since this all happened. We met a few days ago.
Was originally supposed to be almost 2 weeks ago but shit kept coming up. Work and then I got sick (not covid) for days. But we made it happen. Tbh this was more nervous for me because I didn’t know anything about him.
With my bio mom it was different because I watched her from far and got to know her a little before it came out. I asked my bio mom if she could be there too just because she knows him better so it was the 2 of us waiting for him at this park.
He was already crying before we even got to him. This guy is strong too so he pulled me in for the biggest bear hug and crying.
He told me he wants me to know that they loved me so much and he loves me. I lost count how many times he’d come back in for one more hug. This definitely got to him. And he kept saying thank you God a few times.
Looking at my face. The feelings man, the feelings… We had so many of them. Hearing him tell me how much they love me even back then. It meant so much for me to hear that and ngl that had me holding him tight too.
I’m sure to everyone at the park it was weird seeing 3 crying people lol. My bio dad said he cried so many times just driving over here he didn’t think he had anymore tears until he saw us. When we were all sitting down it hit me that my bio mom was NOT lying when she said we look alike obviously he’s older but still holy shit the similarities.
He brought gifts too which was a surprise. It was really nice he told me I don’t have to keep them if I don’t want it but he felt weird not coming with anything and he’s wanted to give this to me for a long time.
One was a teddy bear holding a picture frame of him at the hospital holding me (he was 15 years old, it’s still crazy to realize that ). And then the other thing was a journal.
The journal thing was stuff he said he started writing to me years after I was adopted. He was in therapy and that that helped him to cope thinking he would give them to me one day.
His way of still feeling connected to me. I haven’t read everything yet but some of the pages were his thoughts and like if he’s talking to me. How he felt when they found out she was pregnant, then the adoption, everything going on in his mind when he first got to hold me as a baby. I didn’t even know he was at the hospital too.
It was not what I was expecting.. it really got me. I read some more of what he wrote last night that really got me crying. I’m sad to think how much this affected them emotionally for years.
Also think it’s pretty sweet he wanted to write this for me. We talked about his own life which was pretty hard. His struggles with home life and the feelings he had about giving me up.
Then he wanted to know everything about me. Basically with the same questions my bio mom had. I made sure they knew they made the right decision. Because my life was pretty great.
He looked like he wanted to cry when he knew that because that’s all they hoped for and it was something he always wondered about for years. My bio mom left a bit after we were more comfortable so we could talk more in private once it didn’t feel too awkward between us.
From there he told me stories about how he met my bio mom. Sometimes he’d point out stuff he notice about me that reminds him of her or me and him having similar likes.
Example: I love eating mangos. I can eat them all day and that’s what I bought when we bought snacks at the park. He told me my bio mom was obsessed with mangos seven before she got pregnant, while pregnant she craved it even more.
Just cool info to know even if it’s random stuff lol. It’s still stuff we have in common and we both have lots. Both like hiking, playing pool, he was a swimmer in college and I was on a swim team in highschool, both love rock music.
Especially 90’s. My bio dad was really open about sharing everything. Like he really was getting ready for this meeting. He hoped it would happen and he prayed everyday to see me again because he had so many things he wanted to tell me. Overall really good first meeting.
I’m glad how it went. He’s open to the idea of meeting my parents. After I told them about all this because they definitely want to meet my bio parents again if I’m comfortable with that, obviously if my bio parents are too.
Let’s see when that happens. Idk how it’s gonna feel for me. They’ve met eachother before I was even born but I never had them at the same place so that’ll be interesting lol.
Me and my parents met up yesterday to have breakfast so I could tell them everything. My mom was so happy how it went. She actually cried too when I was telling them about both their reactions.
My dad was proud because he knew how hard it was the months after finding my bio mom and not really wanting to make contact yet. I’m really happy to have their support because it’s hard not to feel guilty about wanting to know more my bio parents.
They gave me a really good life so for a while it’s felt like maybe to them I’m showing them that wasn’t good enough for me and I’d rather have my bio parents. But they told me many times they want me to do this for me and the know how much I love them. And I really do.
Finding them and meeting them was hard. But it was so worth it to me. And seeing their reactions made it feel even more worth it. Still can’t believe it sometimes.
I’m just realizing this has turned into a long post, my bad haha. Writing this has been therapeutic tbh. Kind of thinking back to everything that’s happened. Feeling really grateful. Again wanna say thank you to everyone who has been on this journey with me. Everyone who sent me their own stories, their love, their encouragement.
You guys have beautiful hearts and I’m happy I had somewhere to talk about all this and receive so much love back! Just wanna say to all the adopted kids out there, i wish you guys luck and that you find what you’re looking for. It’s not easy at all.
I feel fortunate that things didn’t go badly or that my bio parents aren’t bad people. And to all the birth parents out there who made this sacrifice, thank you. It’s because of you there are kids out there like me who got to have a great life with loving parents.