Man tells his girlfriend why his family was giving her bad looks, 'I am on week 2 of drama.' AITA?

"I (37M) told my girlfriend (34F) why my family was giving her bad looks at and now I am on week 2 of drama because of it. AITA?"

I (37M) told my girlfriend (34F) why my family was giving her bad looks at and now I am on week 2 of drama because of it, is this salvageable? I am having a hard time right now because my girlfriend, whom I love, has decided that my whole family hates her and I am also against her because of what happened when My brother and his family visited.

For a little back story we have been dating for a little over a year. I am a solo parent (mother is deceased) of 2 amazing little girls 6 and almost 9. She has 3 great kids, 15F, 14M, 9F. My brother also has 3 kids and comes to visit about once or twice a year for 4-5 days.

My mom lives very close to me and I see her almost daily, she helps me with so many things and has really been my rock through difficult times becoming a full time single dad, and I also work full time as a professional engineer. It's also important to say that during this, her kids were on a trip with their grandmother for 2 weeks and she stayed home to work.

Recently my brother visited and we had dinner at my moms house, and during the dinner my GF was cussing a lot in front of the kids and everyone. She is definitely a cusser (curser?) but it's never been an issue for me, and to me this seemed out of the ordinary.

Just loudly swearing at the dinner table with all the kids present, and my moms natural reaction was to give her a dirty look. She took this as an insult and quickly left after dinner without barely a goodbye. I tried to play it off but it wasn't hard to see it wasn't normal. She's usually the one who hugs everyone before she leaves etc.

The next day, after she slept over, she said she wanted to spend the whole day with us and we had a whole bunch of activities planned. She just needed to "go home and get pretty." Fast forward the whole day and she texted me through the day saying "I'll be there soon" but we didn't see her until about 4 o clock. It was a little awkward for me as I told everyone she was coming in the morning.

After my brother left we talked about it, and I told her I didn't like her saying something and not following through. I would have been fine just for her to spend the day doing whatever she wanted and meeting up for dinner, or not at all. I just really dislike it when I'm told one thing then she does another. I expressed that to her, and so it begun...

She said I compare her to my ex (reason why I'm sensitive to the "I'll see you soon" thing) and my mom was comparing her to my ex, and I was being unreasonable for "wanting her there every second."

I do want her there, but also understand sometimes first introductions are better little by little, and she has high anxiety, so it's all good. I told her exactly that before and after, but I stuck to not anting to be strung along.

Next she said my mom was giving her a bunch of dirty looks, and so I told her likely why, because she was dropping F bombs at the dinner table. Well I might as well have said that everyone I know and myself hate her as a person and want her to be a robot, the exact phrasing is "I'm not going to censor myself."

This led to a bunch of arguing, not yelling but just talking. It finally got to the point I was about to just throw in the towel and she backed off. I won't go into detail but I said I respect her feelings but she has to respect mine too and just because someone didn't like her word choice doesn't mean they hate her.

My mom loves her by the way. She also said she won't change for anyone and if I have a problem it is my problem, which she quickly backed off of after I basically repeated back to her what she said.

Now my daughter's birthday is tomorrow, and I also coach her basketball team so we won't be able to do birthday dinner until late, so I said I would just take her out to a restaurant and we could celebrate more the next day (Halloween).

My GF said she wanted to cook and she would make dinner happen, but she didn't want my mom to help cook or be around...ok. I told her I'm not going to play referee and she needs to talk to my mom if she feels like this still. I just want the birthday girl to have a nice dinner (we had the party this weekend). My mom is totally oblivious to all of this I should add.

Now she is mad again saying I'm not respecting her boundaries and feelings, I am saying she isn't considering the birthday girl and just it's all my fault she now feels bad and she wants to not only cancel cooking for the birthday dinner but Halloween as well.

I'm emotionally exhausted by this now, and in my mind what should have been simple communication that needs to happen for a strong relationship is now just has spiraled out of control. I do feel she's making everything about herself and being selfish, but if I told her that I might as well tell her she is fugly, smells, and everyone hates her.

AITA? I really do love her and started imagining our futures together. I was even thinking about how her and her 3 kids could move in with us in the future.

Later, OP edited the post to include:

So a lot of people are asking timeline. My ex wife abandoned me with an 18 month old and 4 year old about 5 years ago, (additional edit) then died about 18 months later after that when we were legally divorced. We introduced kids after dating 6 months. I had a relationship before her last 6 months and ended amicably but I never talk to her.

She cusses and sometimes in inappropriate situations, but this instance was just... over the top. Our first year was basically great. That's why I fell in love with her. We had a few arguments, but I'm not a very argumentative person, and I never yell or get super angry.

We went on romantic getaways, snowboarded, hiked, kayaked, camped, boating. All sort of great times with and without kids. This all honestly kinda came out of left field, but maybe I missed signs. It's hard to see red flags wearing rose colored glasses.

I see the overwhelming sentiment, and I have a lot of thinking to do. I stood my ground today and just said we will be doing our own thing for the birthday dinner with just my little family and grandma. She did not take it well and started to escalate to the point she almost just blew the whole relationship up.

But backed down when she realized I was going to let that happen. We argued and talked over text, and it's now down to her saying "I mess everything up." I said we need to talk this out in person this weekend. I don't think we'll do Halloween together either. I think I need to go very low contact with the kids until further notice.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

RevolutionaryDiet686 said:

NTA. She wants everyone to adjust to her with no changes on her side. Too controlling and it will spiral and affect your children. Step back and really think about your future and if she is a good fit.

Commercial_7336 said:

NTA. It’s not censoring yourself to not cuss in front of kids or at someone’s home. I cuss, probably more than I should, but i don’t do it at other’s houses, don’t do it around kids, and am mindful of who is around.

She kept you waiting all day and probably enjoyed knowing that you were waiting on her. When you loss a partner, you will have hang ups. Your current partner should understand that and not be negative. I lost my husband and there are things that still get to me years later; my husband understands it and accepts it.

I would seriously reconsider the whole moving in. Look at the last few days. Now imagine that this is your life moving forward: someone cussing everywhere, keeps you waiting, and doesn’t follow through. Is that who you want in your life and your kids?

SnoopyisCute said:

NTA, but please rethink your relationship. It's not just the passive-aggressiveness of blowing off most of the day with false "be there soon"s. Regardless of how she talks and acts at home, adults should know to be on better manners in other people's homes, especially the other one's parents' homes.

I'm not a stickler about swearing either but I've never even sworn in front of my parents. It's rude and her inability to HEAR that is going to be a living hell for you on top of you and the kids being "punished" when she chooses to "be there soon" all damn day.

magog12 said:

I'm not gonna censor myself? You have young kids, she needs to. I have teenagers, she still needs to. You always gotta be careful how you communicate around kids, they are sponges, that's not censorship, that's parenting. I'm not gonna censor myself is like a teenager response.

GxBx9787 said:

NTA. Your gf sounds immature. Respect her feelings? Sure, but she also needs to MANAGE them. You know, like an adult? I thought she was younger until I saw she was 34. Crazy to go that long in life and not know how to control yourself. I pity her children.

drownigfishy said:

NTA. Your wife doesn't and won't understand what she is doing wrong. And personally punctuality and not cussing are two things that are reasonable expectations. Now if it's the occasional once a blue moon f word I'd be looking at your family funny but it sounds like it's not.

Aso it seems like your wife doesn't respect you enough to try much less care about how you feel. Sit back and get the popcorn because this is not going to resolve.