Man tells narcissist mom 'bill me using the tuition money you stole from me.' AITA?

"AITA? I told mom she can bill me using the tuition money she stole from me?"

When I (m33) was preparing to go to uni, my mom confessed that there was no tuition money for me. Through the years my dad would give her cash to deposit but she only did the first one. She spent the rest. TBH I wasn't even surprised.

I was used to being disappointed by her. She promised that she would "pay me back" and asked that I never tell me dad. So for four years I thanked them for the tuition money while I took out loans.

For reasons to do with her narcissism, I have an arms length relationship with her, but she would say we're pretty close as she assumes my smiling and nodding while she drones on about the same stories is a relationship.

We have a family cottage that she puts above everything else. She lives there about 90 days of the year. I've been going there with my gf for about 4 days for a couple summers which she begrudges as it takes away from her time. My dad supports my going which is how I pull it off.

She recently told me that it was time for me to start paying for some of the maintenance on the cottage since I use it. She actually suggested 1k which is wildly disproportionate. I told her she could take it out of the tuition IOU and we could negotiate the amount with dad.

She was speechless. She texted me later to say that it manipulative to bring up the tuition and to threaten to tell dad. It went on and on. I've been thinking about it and... First, I'm hurt/offended that she can't just do a nice thing for me, she has to get something for it. Second, I guess I'm not really over the whole tuition thing. AITA for bringing up ancient history and not paying her for use of the cottage?

EDIT:

At the time, it never occurred to me that I should have told him. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting both of them. That pretty much summarizes my childhood.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

UteLawyer said:

NTA, but I'm confused as to why you agreed to keep this secret from your dad. It isn't clear from your post whether or not your parents are currently married, but either way, it makes no sense to lie to your father. He thinks he spent money on your education, and for some reason you went along with this lie?

curiousity60 said:

ESH (except Dad). YTA for not telling your dad as soon as you were aware that your mom stole from both him and you. He could try legal action to recover some or all of that stolen tuition money.

Instead, he may have continued giving her money intended for your schooling while you were taking on debt. Your complicity in your mom's stealing from your dad and you has hurt your dad. You let him stay ignorant and vulnerable to your mom's lies.

Your mom is obviously TA as well. She has injured you and your dad, and manipulated you into being her accomplice to leave your dad vulnerable. You are an adult now. You can CHOSE how much access and energy you focus on your parents. Your mom is a manipulative abusive user. No one who doesn't hold firm boundaries to prevent her accessing vulnerabilities is safe with her.

You owe your dad a huge apology, and the truth. You have deceived him for years now, hiding your mom's lies and thievery to the damage of you both. It's one thing to be a vulnerable child, under duress from a present and toxic parent. It's quite another to carry that deception on to taint your current and future relationship with your father.

JS6790 said:

NTA. Why haven't you told your father about the issue with the tuition? Your mom isn't going to change. How are you still surprised?

Armorer- said:

Sorry but YTA for not telling your dad the truth, you lied to him to save your narcissistic mother who only cares about herself and money. If you want any chance at not blowing up your relationship with your father you need to use this opportunity to tell him the truth.

laughsformyotherhalf said:

NTA. Absolutely shocking behavior from your mum to have stolen what I can only imagine is thousands or even tens of thousands from you. She massively owes you for forgiving this and not telling your dad.

The fact that any parent would charge their child for a few days' use of their holiday home annually is also wild to me, but is preposterous given her debt to you. I think your answer was perfect.

It's not a healthy relationship you have with your mum given that it's based on sort of blackmail in a way, but given her behavior, I don't think there's any fixing your relationship at this point.

Hermit-Cookie0923 said:

You should NEVER have kept that secret from your dad - he's entitled to know that he was robbed and that you have student loans because of it. You need to tell him what she's done. She can sell the cottage to pay back what she's stolen with interest.

bamf1701 said:

NTA. I think you are being reasonable. She has only herself to blame. She put you into a position of power over her by stealing your tuition money and then asking you not to tell your father. She had to realize that that was going to come back to bite her someday.

Don’t fall for the whole guilt trip - she is just trying to recover and get to some kind of position of power over you again. And you have every right to be hurt - she basically lied and stole from you for your whole life and has done nothing to make up for it. Also, tell her as long as you are still paying off your student loans, it will never be ancient history.