Man tells wife; 'I'd rather have your sister live here than you. You're a NIGHTMARE.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
When this man is disturbed by his wife's reaction to her sister in their home, he asks the internet:
"AITAH For telling my wife i would rather her sister live in our house than her?"
I (35M) and my wife (35F) have been married for 6 years. Some background 7 months ago my wife gave birth to our daughter, I'll call her Sadie.
Ever since my wife gave birth she has been getting increasingly rude and refuses to do any work around the house and says she's still healing from giving birth, even...
though she always goes out with her friends, three months ago my wife's stepsister Hannah (25F) called my wife and asked her if she could temporarily move in with us, she lived in a crappy apartment building and tenants recently had to leave due to the unsafe conditions.
Hannah didn't have enough to get another place right away, hence ger asking. My wife seemed very eager to let Hannah move in despite always claiming they never get along.
They came to the agreement that she would help with Sadie in exchange for staying with us rent free so she could save up for a deposit on a proper apartment, everything was fine at first, Hannah has ADHD and took a week to adjust to living with us.
During that week she did all the chores my wife has been neglecting without us asking her to, i tried to tell her she didn't have to do all of them but my wife waved me off and said Hannah's ADHD makes her want to do it...
Hannah backed her up. After she cleaned something my wife would thank Hannah a lot, i thanked her as well but my wife did it constantly which seemed strange to me.
My wife dismissed my questions and said it was normal to do with people with ADHD, since then my wife has pushed all childcare and any household chores i dont do onto Hannah, she has also been increasingly rude to Hannah and yelling at her if she makes a mistake on the first try of doing something.
I tried to intervene when i was at home but ky wife would accuse me of wanting to let Hannah lay around the house being lazy because she was 're****" she and i got into a huge fight about her using that word to describe Hannah and didn't speak for a few days.
My breaking point came when i found out my wife had been making Hannah pay her rent and buy baby supplies. I pay all the bills and the money Hannah had been giving my wife was not going towards the house, my wife was using it to go out with her friends.
My wife also Made Hannah pay for food, i usually give my wife the money for food and she bought snacks for herself with Hannah's contribution. I had another fight with my wife where she said Hannah was Lazy and if she didn't like her rules then...
Hannah could sleep on the street and get out of her house, thats when i told my wife its my house as she doesn't pay any bills and at this point doesn't do anything but be as lazy as she accuses...
Hannah of being i would rather live with Hannah. My wife got quiet and has been refusing to talk to me or Hannah for the past few days, and I'm starting to think i crossed a line, AITAH?
Edit to add: i have no romantic/sexual feelings for Hannah, even if i did Hannah is a Lesbian, and even if she weren't i would not take advantage of her by making a move on her while she's dependent on me for housing. Please stop with the comments suggesting i Marry Hannah
Edit 2: she was cleared for PPD a few months ago, but due to comments i will discuss having her screened again
Let's see what readers thought:
glistentips writes:
YTA, what a dumb thing to say. "I would rather live with the maid than with my wife and the mother of my child" I would rather live with the person who cleans than with the person I supposedly chose to love for life yickes.
Is this from some telenovela where the bitch evil wife mistreats the meek country maid girl who captures the lord's heart just by her willingness to do womenly dutties? You seem to have bigger issues to worry about with your disconnect in your marriage than your wife insulting the maid girly bot.
Did you try to solve those? If you want to write stories that are worth more than capturing the fleeting attention of a reddit sub, you should flesh out your characters more. Like people who actually read won't be satisfied with bad woman, meek maid and naive lord who for some reason married bad evil wife.
Like, does lord even know his wife? It's in her character to lie? To neglect chores? Was this an arranged marriage? Isn't lord curious why bad woman wants extra money? Is she planning an escape?
I know 99% of soap operas have a climactic scene where meek maid is defended by rich lord in front of vain wife who looks down upon the proletariat, but recycling soap operas cliches isn't good writing. You get an F, sorry.
meg1828 writes:
YATA, to me, the worst thing you did was say it's your house because you pay all the bills. You said when Hannah first came to live with you guys she did everything you didn't. It sounds as if you don't do anything around the house?
So if you're going to work and then come home and do nothing to help. If I was your wife I would be pissed off too. Taking care of a child or children is a full-time job. If you think because you make the money and maybe she stays home and takes care of your child that she doesn't work?
She works more than you do. I certainly don't think it's right what your wife was doing taking money from Hannah and making her pay for things. But if you're controlling all the money in the marriage that's probably why she did it.
It doesn't make it right but there is something called Financial abuse. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. But it sounds as though you just give her money to get food give her money to do this. If you're married it's both of your money.
She should have her own debit card to go grocery shopping. That might be the problem.
craaaz writes:
NTA. My concern here, as a woman that knows a lot of women, and also knows of some women, none of the women I know had huge personality changes after birth. I know women who went through absolute hell with body, hormonal and relationship changes, but at their core, they were still them.
But I also know 2 women who did a complete 180 after giving birth. It allowed them to drop the veil and stop acting and be their true selves and not in a good way.
Your wife's behavior, to me at least, feels like a dropped veil. She's got you. She can be exactly who she is now.
She is mistreating her sister and treating her like a servant, it sounds like the excessive praise towards her sister, while in her presence, is a way to sorta gaslight her. She is also "stealing", taking plenty of me time and just being down right abusive and disconnected, then fighting it when confronted.
Sorry for the jumble of words. But this isn't good and your wife needs *something. Not sure what that something is though.
alcyion writes:
as your wife like this before the pregnancy? If not, there is something going on. People talk about ppd all of the time. But never other irregular behaviors. Sometimes it’s as simple as feeling they aren’t ready or aren’t good enough or are missing out. Sometimes it’s something more like ppd.
Your wife sounds like me in manias. Would rather do fun. Irritable. Sending too much on the wrong things. Not saying she’s manic or bipolar. But maybe she just needs to go talk to someone if this isn’t who she was pre pregnancy.
I learned young enough that something wasn’t right with me and set up safety nets. I can still get irritable and let some responsibilities slide, but it’s not as bad as it was and my therapist and psychiatrist help me get back on track quickly.
Depression can also cause similar issues. If there is something going on that needs to be addressed, words like that will just intensify the activity after a slight pause. The pause won’t always happen.
Maybe you should consider giving the sister back her money since it was taken under false pretenses and was not part of the original agreement. It sounds like she’s earning her keep in work.
When my sister was in between places for similar reasons, we weren’t charging her anything. Shroud contribute to the food bill. And she took over most of the housework as a way of “paying rent”. It wasn’t asked of her. But it made her feel better. I was able to cancel my cleaning service while she was here. I’d take her back in any day.
katiyeaa writes:
NTA. Your wife needed dropping down a peg or two and for you to be honest. She is rude to Hannah, making her do all the work and manipulating her with praise, she is also stealing from Hannah and accusing her of being lazy even though wife is the lazy one, along with her calling Hannah disgusting names. She is completely taking advantage of hannah.
Honestly I'd probably have to rethink my relationship with someone who can be so horrible, abusive and manipulative to their own sister. It would change how I view them.
I would set some rules. With Hannah living with you and doing baby sitting and chores, instead of going out all the time, she needs to go and get a job to fund the extras she wants in life and work out rents for a room compared to a cleaner and...
childcare and if there is a difference, wife pays that to Hannah as wages. If wife refuses on both accounts that just further show the person she is.
curiousistykioll writes:
I hate to ask this, but are you sure the baby is yours? I mean she's going out with her friends, but I don't think her friends pick her up. So you don't actually know who she is going out with. She was a stay at home wife, so lots of free time there as well.
I only ask because it sounds like she's doing a lot of shady stuff behind your back, making her sister pay rent, as well as groceries without your knowledge and then pocketing the money. She is coming across as a person who doesn't believe in honesty and has no problems with cheating a family member out of money, so not that much of a stretch to cheat in my opinion.
I would consider checking, if only because some states (USA) give a deadline for when you can remove your name from the birth certificate, and if your name is on the certificate you are responsible for child support even if the child is not biologically related. It honestly sounds like your wife is using you as an ATM.
nommaebr writes:
Nta. Ok not saying she's right because she isn't, but why wasn't the ring insured? This kind of thing does happen, and if you're gonna spend thar kind of money on a ring, you don't do it without insurance so you can replace it...
That aside, she's gonna have to grow up and get over it. She can pay for the replacement. Her obnoxious Cinderella syndrome and expectations of a whole new ring at the same costs when you can't afford it unreasonable.
I do have sympathy for how she's feeling. It's probably very violating and devastating feeling to have an accident like this rip away the most precious jewelry of your life. The fact that it feels like her fault is also even worse.
She's probably spiraling a lot more than people care to realize over this loss. She might need therapy to help her grieve this. And no, I'm not kidding. If you don't have human empathy and compassion stfu.
Moving forward, re propose with a less exspensive ring and insure it this time. Your love isn't less.
And now, OP's update:
I may have been inclined to agree with the groveling had she not been stealing from her sister and called her sister a slur.
Those are behaviours i cannot accept. Even though I'm going to ask she get checked again she was cleared for PPD. Maybe I'm just ignorant but i assumed she was okay since she's always going out with her friends.
I can admit my comment was wrong, and I'll apologize for that, but she is not blameless and whatever the outcome i expect us both to take responsibility for our actions and words. I'll be having a conversation with both my wife and Hannah, separately and then together.
Thats my initial plan, where i go from there Will depend on the outcome of the conversations. Also I helped whenever I wasn't at work, she does not work, I pay all of the expenses and I can't be there all the time.
I help as much as I am able, however I'm not able to be in two places at once. For the first three months my mother and brother came over and helped by doing most of the household work ( I say most because I did whatever they didn't) maybe she needed help for longer, and if she did i will of course apologize for not noticing, but she also never mentioned needing more help.
Thank you for your judgement. It's good to see a variety of opinions even ones shaming me. As these are better than the comments telling me to marry my sister-in-law.
Update 2:
She was checked for PPD and said she was cleared, i don't se any reason for her to lie. Sadie is not special/high needs. For the first two and a half months after birth my mother and my brother came over and did the majority of house chores to help , my wife gets along well with them and loved their help.
We both split overnight duty with Sadie after the first three months, before that I handled all overnight as my mother recommended that.
Update 3:
I'll try and sit down with Hannah and make clear she doesn't have to do everything my wife asks her to do. I've tried making it clear how my wife treats Hannah is unacceptable but she accuses me of taking Hannah's side...
if i insist and monitor my wife when I'm home I'll come back from work to find that Hannah got only a couple hours of sleep because my wife woke her and handed her the baby or woke her, told her to watch Sadie and left the house completely.