Man wants to control how wife spends her inheritance; 'Otherwise this is financial abuse.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this man is concerned for his wife's spending, he asks the internet:

"AITA for wanting a say on how my wife spends her inheritance?"

We’ve been married for about four years and have no children. She just will be receiving a 6 figure inheritance from a late family member.

She’s making plans to buy a new car, take us on vacation, looking at high end clothing and purses (she really wants this $10,000 Italian purse so it’ll probably be the 1st thing she’ll buy), and a French bulldog.

I’m apprehensive with her plans. We’re 3 years into a 25 year mortgage. I told her we should use the majority of her inheritance to pay down that mortgage since that’ll save us hundreds of thousands in interest.

She still owes about $60,000 in student loans which I think she should pay off. I think she should splurge a little but invest the remaining in a mutual fund for a rainy day.

Her argument is that the mortgage and her student loan payments are scheduled and she/we scheduled them because she/we can comfortably pay those payments. She also argues there’s nothing safe about the market, even with mutual funds, so she could lose it all and will never again be able to afford her dream purse.

She said she’s been driving the same car since college and it’s almost 10 years old. Lastly, she said it’s her inheritance and while she’ll listen to my suggestions, she gets final say on how it’ll be spent.

We’ve been discussing this and going around in circles for days. While I do understand it’s her money, I can’t help but think of the hundreds on thousands of dollars we’ll be saving in interest. I wouldn't put it past her to financially abuse me.

Before we give you OP's 1st update, let's read some top responses:

hqaat writes:

Six figures at your age is life changing money-- but it sounds like your wife is planning to p it away--and those opportunities with it.

Depending on the interest rate on your mortgage paying it off may or may not be the best move (though better than a designer dog that is high maintenance and prone to health issues and a 10K purse.

Paying off the student loans at their ridiculous rates is solid. A good quality car with a good gas mileage and a low frequency of repair would be a good choice as well (though I suspect she'll go for flashtrash as she sounds like a style over substance type).

The REAL issue you don't seem to be seeing is that when presented with a windfall she's not thinking "team marriage" she's thinking "me me me". Not a dealbreaker but something you should keep an eye on.

NTA because you are suggesting and not demanding -- and are suggesting things for the two of you as a family unit rather than for yourself.

I will leave you with a short cautionary tale. A former coworker got around $30K from an inheritance about 20 years ago. Her husband suggested using it to pay off her student loans and create a little "mad money" account for herself.

Instead she went the jewelery and designer accessories route and told her husband it was her money and he should keep his opinions to himself. Ten years later she really wanted to be a SAHM to her new baby--but her husband reminded her she'd agreed to keep working until her student loans were paid.

She tried selling her designer items on ebay and was devastated to find that they had not "aged well" and wouldn't make a dent in the loans.

Four years later when the husband's grandfather died and left him a low six figures bequest she asked him to pay off the rest of her loans but he declined. She did admit that he put all of the inheritance into an education trust for the kids.

If your wife squanders her inheritance, much like my coworker, she will come to deeply regret it.

cracker1 writes:

YTA. And she’s right, you don’t get a say. It’s her inheritance, not yours. And definitely not both of yours.

If she wants a new car, and to go a little crazy on the spending, that is her right. But I do agree that she should pay her old student loans off.

However I 100% disagree about the mortgage. The mortgage is equally both of your responsibilities. Yet if she pays off a massive chunk of it, that means that she will have paid so much more than you… and in the event of divorce, despite her having paid more - you’ll likely get half.

And that wouldn’t be fair to her at all. So no, she shouldn’t ”pay off a big chunk of the mortgage with her inheritance.”

The house is just as much your responsibility as it is hers, she should not have to pay more than you for the house.

Because if she does, and for example: she ends up paying 75% while you only pay 25% then there needs to be a post-nup (to protect her and the money she put into the house) stating that in the event of divorce, you only get your 25% back and she gets her full 75% back… because why should you benefit and she lose out???

blocka78 writes:

Sorry but YTAH. That money isn’t an inheritance left to the both of you, it’s been left to her. Why do you think something that isn’t yours should be put into the house that you both jointly own?

Are you going to pay her back half of what she puts in? You guys have only been married for a very short period of time and no offence but who’s to say you’ll still be married in say 5 years, but by then you’ll have benefited greatly from the money she paid into the house.

Now ask yourself this! If this was your inheritance would you listen to how she wanted you to spend it? Be honest with yourself…..NOPE is the truthful answer.

I think she has every right to spend the money as she wants. However, I will say buying a 10,000$ purse is a bit ridiculous IMO as it either spends most of the time in a closet so as not to dirty it, or you do use it regularly and like all things will be showing regular wear and tare in no time.

At least a car, which my god, you can buy for less than the purse lol will last many years and even though the vacation only lasts for so long, the memory of such will last forever.

informatlsald8 writes:

I would be worried as well, NTA i think that maybe an conversation about it explaining that all of the things she wants are achievable and you understand that its her inheritance but you are still in a partnership.

pay her debts off 100% that's for her. if she's worried about not having money if you pay off the mortgage or at least a chunk off of the mortgage a postnuptial...

agreement that what she pays into the mortgage in case of an at fault divorce she will get back from the sale of the house even, I don't know what you owe on the house but personally I would pay a chunk off of the house and have a high interest account for the rest.

And now, OP's first update:

I’ve been reading your responses and I have to clear up some things. Some of you said that she shouldn’t pay off our mortgage because it’s her money and I would benefit from it.

I make more than she does so when we bought our house, we decided I should pay 3/4 and she pay 1/4 for the life of the mortgage. I was willing to pay more for OUR benefit so I don’t see how it’s different from asking her to pay off the mortgage.

Some of you said that she should get a new car since hers is almost 10 years old. My car is about the same age and I plan to drive it until it doesn’t work anymore. I invest the money I save by not buying a new car and I get a healthy return from that money.

Some of you said that legally it’s her money and not mine, which is true. But when I get my bonus every year, we spend it together. I know it’s legally her money too but realistically she’s not helping me at work and I earned that money by myself yet I share it with her.

Legality aside, we’re partners in life and I think building a stable financial situation is much more important than vacations, a purse, and a dog.

Before we give you OP's second update, let's read some top responses:

mustang19671967: I think not paying of her student loan is the most ridiculous thing . Probably gives her $500 or 600 or more in her pocket . The mortgage may be thinking if something happens you get 1/2 the equity. And I don’t understand 10k on a purse but ok with 3-4K on golf clubs

dncrmom: I was all ready to call you out however spending 10K on a purse and continuing to carry 60K in student loans is just fiscally irresponsible. Paying off the student loans puts more money in your pocket every month and avoids all the compounding interest. NTA

Update 2:

I read your comments and talked to my brothers and decided to bring equality into our marriage. I sat down and went through all of our bills and receipts.

I was paying 3/4 of our mortgage, 3/4 of the property tax, all of the house’s maintenance cost, almost all of the groceries, almost all of anything we bought for the house, all of the utilities including our cell phones, almost all of our activities outside of the house including dinners and dates, and insurance for our cars.

I paid for all of those things without a second thought before because we were partners and I make so much more than she does.

I sat her down last week and showed her the total of our spending then told her that since her financial situation has drastically changed, she is now responsible for half of it all. That started arguments like we’ve never had before.

I argued that she can now afford to be financially responsible for half of our lives so she should be.

She responded by reminding me that her inheritance is legally hers alone and not ours so I can figure that into our cost while our salaries are legally ours which is why we used them to pay for our living expenses. I argued that while she is legally correct, she’s morally wrong and this is how we’re moving ahead, as equals.

We haven’t spoken to each other since then except for a few texts. We go to bed in silence and leave for work without waking each other up. She’s not the woman I thought I married and it’s gotten to the point that I question our future together.

I went to see an attorney and found out our state set limits on alimony based on the length of the marriage, if the other spouse is employed, and the separate financial state of the parties.

My attorney said since we’ve been married for only 4 years, she works full time, and her recent inheritance, there’s an excellent chance I’ll have to pay very little in alimony for about 3 years and a good chance I won’t have to pay anything all at. The messy part is that we’ll have to divide all of the marital assets.

I haven’t called my attorney back and will spend the weekend pondering my future.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's dilemma:

tryintobgood: So there's a mortgage and bills to pay and your wife's genius idea is vacations and a $10k purse?

Can she seriously look at you with a straight face when arguing this shit. Dude get the lawyer, walk away, grab some popcorn and watch the dumpster fire of your wife being broke in 12 months.

Iwishyouwell2024: I suggest you also make a list of things that makes you want to divorce her. Besides money, being selfish, not being responsible with debts, what else do you have? Start creating that list.

At some point her money flow will be short and she will see things with clarity again. And she will go after you and what your marriage could have been. So the list will help you with those feelings of old romance.

Some things you should write down: house payments, new car (that will cost a lot with issurance and other things), no savings, burning money with small things like that purse and well... divorce lawyers (I bet she will hire someone expensive too).

When she tries to reconcile, have some agreements in case you also want to go back to her: her education costs (at least have money saved for that), the house (50/50), new car has to be a normal and popular one, savings for her 401k.