Man wants to implement 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' policy in his marriage; 'I need to PROTECT my wife.' WIBTA? UPDATED 2X

When this is concerned about the state of his marriage, he asks the internet:

"WIBTA: For following "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy in our marriage?"

I have been having arguments with my wife and standing my ground on a policy we made when we were dating. However, somehow, I feel I might be ta and wanted to get neutral opinion on the issue.

For context, may wife and I are both in our mid 30s, and deeply religious (Please don't judge us on this). She is quick to judge people who do not have the same belief system as her. I also like our modest lifestyle and how great of a wife she has been.

However, I was not always like this. I grew up in a small religious town in south where our social life revolved around the church. I worked very hard to get into a college on east coast as far away from my town.

As any person who has repressed his desires for years, I had a very wild college life and slept with a lot of girls.

After I graduated, I continued to be the same until I met a girl who became deeply emotionally involved with me (despite I clearly communicating I wanted to date casually), could not take the fact that I was with other girls when dating her, and she had an emotional breakdown (thought I was cheating on her).

I cared about her too, and it broke something in me. I started therapy and learned that I had a addiction problem and worked very hard to improve myself.

I also joined a church around that time and started appreciating my religious upbringing. I reconnected with my parents and sisters and was celibate for almost 2 years. I only dated with the goal of getting married and met Amy, my wife. We had similar values, and she was saving herself for marriage. I told her about my past and she said that she only cares about my present and future.

As we started getting close, we started discussing se% and she told me that she is worried that it would be painful when we eventually do it. Me, being a stupid buffoon, told her about girls who were virgins when we slept together and how they described their experience.

She turned pale like she saw a ghost and we had a big fight. She said I should never mention about my exes and se% life to her ever again as it was disgusting. I agreed and we implemented our "Don't ask don't tell" policy. It basically means she would never ask me about my past and I would never bring it up.

Recently my friend Emily divorced with her husband. Emily was my best friend since childhood (we are from the same town) and also close to my wife. We all live in the same town. Emily and her husband were also part of our church.

My wife and I let Emily move in our house while her husband moved out. My wife and I have been helping Emily with some household stuff and getting her life in order. This sometimes involves her calling us in the evening to take care of some stuff or help with her kids.

My wife mentioned to me that she was a bit uncomfortable with me spending alone time with Emily, because now she is now single. However, she understands Emily is like family to me and wants me to help her and her kids in her time of need.

So, my wife asked me if Emily and I have ever been intimate with her in the past. She knows we never dated, but she wants to know if we ever kissed. The truth is Emily and I were FWB for almost 3 years (until I started therapy). Emily and I always kept it a secret and never told anyone.

I am a changed man now and intend to stay loyal to my wife until I die. I told my wife that it is irrelevant as I am a loyal husband and cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily.

I did offer to her that I will not hang out with Emily alone and only go to her place when my wife is with me. My wife did not like me dodging the question and kept on prodding. I invoked our "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy, that we have followed for more than 10 years now.

My wife is upset at me that I am not giving her a straight answer. I, on the other hand feel that it is unfair to me to tell her about Emily now when she forbade me to talk about it for all these years. I know that there is a good possibility that my wife would again freak out after knowing the truth, and most probably ask me to never see Emily again.

I wanted opinions on what I should do in this case. Should I keep the truth from my wife because we made a promise to never bring up my past (which is horrible when I think about it now). Or, is my wife ta to break our policy by asking me about Emily?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some top responses:

gadag098 writes:

YTA. Dude, use COMMON SENSE. You let a "friend" that you used to sleep with move into your home. You didn't see it becoming a problem?!

agah00 writes:

YTA. By refusing to give her an answer, you gave her an answer. She knows something happened now, she just doesn’t know how far it went. This will continue to eat away at her and will most likely end your marriage.

She didn’t want you to talk about being intimate with a bunch of randos, but when it’s someone you bring in to be a permanent part of your lives, you owe it to your partner to tell them. Period.

You’re being selfish by not telling her because you don’t want to have to choose between them. That choice is gonna come regardless, so you better start thinking about who it’s gonna be.

crimehup writes:

YTA. If you want to go biblical - by beholding, we become changed. You insist that alone time with a woman who is not your wife is not danger to your marriage - that is self indulgent and definately not a biblical approach.

You have an addiction. You insist on 'beholding' a previous partner alone and think that this will not 'change' you. Dude! Start applying your Christian principles to your real life and not just your thought or socal life.

God forgives sin and the past. That doesn't mean He will walk with you into places where you are dallying with your previous temptations and sins and miraculously keep you from your weaknesses.

Please stop being so proud and vain and start honouring the thoughts and advice of the wife God so kindly and lovingly, gave you. Also, stop 'seeing' Emily, she is your past and you need to stay away from your past - it's called some uncomfortable consequences of your past actions.

Start behing honest and answer your wife's questions and do as she asks. Some humbleness might help. Just because you are forgiven does not take consequences away. Accept that with grace and actually move forward in a more honest and upright life.

gorp writes:

NTA. She made a promise not to ask and you made a promise not to tell. She needs to keep her end of the agreement. She doesn't just get to decide that SHE doesn't have to follow the agreement.

aaghwert writes:

NAH. Your wife asked you a direct question, be honest with her. She has a right to know you and Emily slept together for three years. She absolutely has a right to be concerned. This goes way beyond your silly “don’t ask don’t tell” you should have told your wife about Emily from the beginning. Since she is still in your life. You’ve messed up massively.

There is a difference about not wanting to hear about every woman you slept with and never saw again. Emily is someone you dated slept with for years!!!! And is still a part of your life, that relationship should have been disclosed to your wife. She had a right to know about that.

You’re simply not being honest now because you know this will hurt your wife. Grow up and have an honest conversation. She asked now tell her the truth.

OP responds:

OPThat was 14 years ago when we did that. We were kids compared to now and I do not think that was relevant. Moreover, my wife never wants me to talk about my "dark phase" and has reiterated that to me over all these years. She wants to keep up the illusion that I am a religious fellow she married who she plans to go to heaven with.

Update 1:

regarding not telling my wife that my best friend and I were FWB long time ago. I did this because my wife did not want to know about my horrible past and we had a "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy in our marriage.

I thank all of you for your comments and confirming what I already knew in my mind. Lying to my wife and keeping my past from her was never my intention, but we have been married for 10 years now and I did not risk losing my wife's trust and respect over something that happened 14 years ago.

I talked to my wife over the weekend. The truth was far more horrible than what I wrote in the previous post. I sat my wife down and told her that I want to come clean and tell her about everything.

I told her that I have some conditions though. Firstly, I will not give a yes and no answer to her question and she will have to listen to all the details. She can judge me but has to know that I am not the man I was at that time.

I was a horrible, morally bankrupt person before she met me, but through God, family and therapy, I have overcome my demons and work every day to repent my sins. Secondly, she will have to answer questions about her feelings truthfully to me after she hears about my past. She agreed.

I told her the truth about Emily and me. Emily and I were friends since high school. While I went to college, Emily stayed home and started a job. She was dating my friend Josh since high school.

I discovered a whole new world in college and found myself drawn to behaviors that I knew were against God's will, including engaging in sexual relationships with multiple partners at a time.

It was like a game for me. Once, I was visiting my parents over a break and Emily was curious about my college life. I described my se%ual experiences to her and she kept asking more and more questions.

One thing led to another and we started sleeping together. Josh and Emily were saving themselves for marriage and waiting for Josh to get a steady job. This lasted for 3 years, and Emily and I hooked up every time I visited home. It was our little secret.

When I finally decided to seek help, I informed Emily about it. She made me promise to never talk about our fling to anyone. I felt guilty never telling the truth to Josh, but she broke up with Josh soon after.

I rediscovered my spirituality and recognized the importance of repentance and recognition of my personal sin. Since then, I have lived a very disciplined life and have been a loyal husband to my wife.

Amy had tears in her eyes, and I really was scared that she would leave me after hearing about my horrible past. However, she told me that she still stands by the fact that she cares about my present and my future and would never judge me.

She said that God, in his infinite mercy, did not abandon me. My wife assured me that she loves me and always will. She trusts me, but just wanted to know about Emily since things have changed now.

I asked her if any of my actions suggested that disloyal and why Emily. She told me that when Emily's husband's affair came to light, it was very shocking how such an upstanding god-fearing man would have years long affair with his coworker and father a child out of wedlock.

This was not an isolated incident as we had similar incidents happen in our church during the last few years. Amy told me that it just shook her to the core. Amy was the one who suggested Emily and kids to move in with us until her husband moved out of their family home. Emily only stayed with us for a week.

Emily started calling us a lot as we supported her through this rough time. However, it bothered my wife that Emily would just call me during evenings after work (after her kids went to sleep) for support. We would just sit and talk for 30 - 45 minutes and I would leave.

The final straw was a week ago when we all went to a park with Emily's kids, and I was chasing them while my wife and Emily were talking. Emily told me my wife that I would one day be a great father and how much I love her kids.

She told my wife to start trying harder to have kids so that we can complete our family and hopefully god would make me a father soon. My wife has struggled with infertility issues and despite trying every medical procedure, God has still not blessed us with a child. I have suggested adoption, but my wife says that God will hear our prayers and we just have to try as hard as we can.

Amy said that her discussion with Emily made her feel incomplete and bad that she is not able to make me a father.

Her head started spiraling and she started thinking that since I love Emily's kids and Emily is now single, I might leave her to go to Emily. That was the reason she wanted to know if Emily and I were ever romantically involved.

I assured Amy that I would never betray her, and she is enough for me. It was very emotional to see her feel bad about things she cannot control. I also am to blame as I am sure god is punishing her for my sins in the past.

However, I intend to be loyal to the woman who literally saved me and be the best husband possible. I again thank all of you for being frank and straight-forward and helping me tell my wife about my past.

More comments and responses from OP:

commenter: I think it might be time to take a step back from your friendship with Emily, her actions are shady, calling you after work every night, telling your wife how much you love her kids…

OP: I had already decided to do that as my wife feels uncomfortable with the situation. Her comfort is more important to me than friends.

Commenter: Are you still friends with Josh?

OP: No. I cut contact with a lot of people after I started therapy. I wronged him and felt guilty to be around him. However, I never told what happened because of Emily. Infact, I had not thought of him for a really long time until this weekend when talking to my wife.

commenter: lol imagine trying to be a better person while staying friends with the girl you betrayed your friend with.