'AITA if I give my wife an ultimatum: either initiate intimacy more or else divorce.'
Man asks if it's wrong to tells his wife that if she doesn't start intimacy with him then he'll ask for a divorce.
dingleberrybat writes:
Since the birth of our youngest three years ago, our intimate life has been nearly dead, as my wife simply seems uninterested. I would guess we've been with each other about 5 times per year since then, and all those times I feel she did it out of obligation.
She didn't seem to enjoy it very much, and as such, neither did I, and it only added to my discontent. She has not once initiated anything resembling physical intimacy for the past three years.
I have brought up the topic many times. The main reason she gives is being tired due to work and kids. Or that she simply doesn't know why she doesn't want it. She denies becoming asexual, losing attraction to me, or getting fulfillment elsewhere.
I try my best to be understanding, I make it a point to generally compliment her, I give her loads of time off while I take care of the kids. Nothing changes. I have asked her if there is anything more I can do for her - there isn't.
It's at a point where I feel like a predator for simply running my hands along her body. Kissing feels unnatural (it's only the quick pecks goodnight). It's making me feel so unattractive and basically unloved. I have told her many times how much this affects me. She tells me she totally gets it but that she doesn't know how to change it.
I don't want to be in this relationship if things don't improve, and I want her to know that. On the other hand, telling her that feels like blackmailing her.
Here are the top comments from the post:
Zealousideal_Bag2493 says:
She’s tired no matter how much time off she gets? Bruh, tell her you’re worried about her health and ask her to go see a doctor. Maybe even go with her and make sure you help the doctor understand that she’s constantly tired. There are lots of physical problems that could be in the way.
ETA: coming up with solutions can be really tough when someone is dealing with fatigue or subacute illness. It can be hard to think straight when all your energy is going to keeping your life together. See if you can advocate for her.
justthefox99 says:
Ultimatums like that rarely ever work out well. If you issue it like that, you should prepare for divorce. If you don't really want divorce, I just want change. I would suggest couples therapy as a first step. Maybe book a weekend trip to get away.
WhyCommentQueasy says:
Try couples therapy before moving for a divorce. Don't state it as an ultimatum.
JesCca says:
Yes, but I need more info. How old are you both? How many children? Do they sleep through the night? Does she hate her job? Is she sleeping? When's the last time you went on a date? Have you gone on a weekend getaway?
What's her love language? You say you help, but so does my husband, and yet I don't feel like he does as much. Communication is key. If my husband told me that would be pissed.
I'm currently 41. Two children three angel babies. My hormones are still out of wack from the baby. She's 14 months and still breastfeeds. I wake up 2x a night still. My weight is still up. I also work full time. I'm exhausted. I don't feel attractive due to the weight, and I'm touched out. Life is stressful right now. We haven't been intimate in months, but he wants to be.
We are going to go out of town for two nights at the end of the month for our 8 year anniversary. I also want a massage. We will finally get to be alone and enjoy each other. Kids honestly change women beyond what I even thought. You have to continue to date your wife. Remind her why she fell in love with you.
Sometimes, it's the small things, not just a diamond necklace or anything. Talk to her. Find her love language and let her know yours. I think you need counseling. Don't just give an ultimatum. It will just make her withdraw more.
What do you think? Is OP right to give his wife an ultimatum?