Man convinced that wife's plastic surgery has RUINED their marriage. AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.
When this man feels like his wife's plastic surgery has ruined everything, he aks Reddit:
"My wifes obsession with plastic surgery has ruined our relationship. AITA?"
I’ve been married to my wife for 6 years now. When we got married, she said she wanted to do minor cosmetic procedures on her face to help with her insecurities. She had been insecure her whole life so I was as supportive as I could’ve been. She got lip filler and Botox on her face.
After a few months, she got more lip filler and her lips looked scary to me, but she was very happy with them so I didn’t say anything. Next she wanted to get her boobs done.
Again, she was happy with how they turned out but I thought they looked weird. They were so big and stiff, and my wife is a petite and skinny woman so it just didn’t look proportional to the rest of her body. But again, it made her so happy so I was fine with it.
Last year, she said she was going to get a BBL. This time I actually told her I wasn’t going to support her on this one because it’s a dangerous procedure. There was a story on the internet that went viral a month or so prior about a woman who died during her BBL procedure.
I was scared. I asked her if she could see a therapy or psychiatrist about her body dysmorphia before doing this but she refused and said it hadn’t helped when she tried it before.
She said she was doing it with her own money anyway so I didn’t have a say in it. I shut up and took care of her after the procedure. I was so glad she was safe and the procedure went well but in all honestly, it was horribly done.
The doctor made her hips so wide. Her thighs and waist were really small so again, it just didn’t look proportional.
Now the problem is I genuinely don’t find her physically attractive anymore and I don’t know what to do about it. I want nothing more than to be madly attracted to her as I was years ago.
But everything she has done to her body makes her look slightly terrifying to me. I love her and don’t think that will change, but I hate having se% with her now. I don’t enjoy it but her se% drive has increased since the BBL (probably because she’s more confident now) meanwhile mine has basically tanked.
I thought of talking to her but I’m not sure what good that will do besides make her feel bad. There’s nothing that can be done now anyway.
She’s confident and happy in her body for the first time in her life and I don’t want to ruin it, so I obviously won’t ever say anything to her about this. I love every other aspect of our relationship so that’s just going to have to be enough.
I obviously can’t say this to anyone in real life so here I am. Just wanted to get this out.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
presentkey writes:
Dude she isn’t gonna stop with the surgeries They are addictive and she will continue to look more and more nightmarish. Imagine her having your daughter and instilling these type of values on looks?
You have suppressed your opinions to make nice but how you feel will only increase and that is a valid emotion. You should be able to have a honest conversation without blow back.
You sound very kind and thoughtful in how you maneuver. I probably would start going to therapy (solo) to talk about how you’re feeling. When your wife asks or insists on knowing what is wrong, bring her and the therapist may be able to help you guys through.
cashchamp writes:
What a mess! She really should have stopped earlier, but since she just dismissed your concerns, there wasn't much you could have done. I suppose you told her that you liked her fine the way she was, but that wasn't enough for her.
Know that's it's completely legitimate to not be attracted to someone who looks like a fake version of Kim Kardashian. Not every man wants his wife to look like a porn actress. Also know that the way she treated your concerns was selfish. You have legitimate reasons to be angry about the situation and about how she acted towards you.
You're in a really difficult spot, but if you genuinely hate making love with her, that doesn't sound like a sustainable situation. It's just going to eat you from the inside. So the problem has to be addressed somehow some day.
Do you have a good friend or maybe a therapist to talk about this and brainstorm some approaches or solutions? It might be possible to get more plastic surgery to fix some of it (please ask an expert about that, not me), but you first have to talk about it. I don't really see another choice.
It is possible that she will react negatively, but know that your point of view is legitimate. In a healthy marriage, neither person gets to just dismiss the concerns of the other. Best of luck with the situation!
mintygreen8 writes:
This is an incredibly difficult spot to be in, and the fact you recognize it before it hurts your marriage some more is awesome. I feel that the reality is that you have to address it, what happens when you can no longer get hard?
Or if you can't finish? Those are the realities of what could happen because you're no longer attracted to her. You could also start to refuse sex, turn it down unconsciously before it comes conscious. So unfortunately, you may have to burst the bubble. So finding a way to do it now may benefit you.
I have some thoughts for you though, if you are willing to address this in a way where both of you can work on yourselves at the same time. Individual therapy to address the individual concerns of body dysmorphia and the lost of attraction, therapy doesn't work for everyone and the truth is therapy is like shopping for shoes, find your right fit.
Find the right fit in therapist, therapy style, and someone who really aligns with your own individual goals. Going once and saying it doesn't work, is like eating a bad hot dog. It's not fun, and no one likes it.
Sex therapy. It exists to address issues/concerns such as this one, a place where can you work on having a fulfilling sex life with the person you love and address the loss of attraction.
Or Marriage counseling, addressing what's wrong in the marriage, which could be the loss of attraction or other things. Both of you have to be willing though. It's great that she feels comfortable/confident/sexy and it's the double edge sword to your marriage.
So as much as you came here to say things you can't say to people in your life, you may have to. Or not. Maybe just notice how your sex life is and where it goes because it sounds like it's already being affected.
lamegirlw writes:
There comes a point where you have to face the fact that the most unattractive thing about the person who changed is their personality.
There is nothing attractive about being driven by egotism and vanity. They’ll give a big talk about goals and personal happiness but ultimately it’s just about self hatred and shallowness.
Finding out that someone prizes looks above all else is a horribly ugly thing. In both cases, it’s unhealthy, damaging long term, expensive, and selfish.
They’re looking for that high of rogue compliments, looking in the mirror and seeing the opposite of themselves, feeling the thrill of eradicating their old self. To chase that feeling, they’re leaning more and more into extremes to the point of becoming a fetish.
If they don’t care how you feel, why should you care about them? The more you pussyfoot around the problem, the more you enable them. The physical appearance is merely a symptom, the old person is gone, and they wanted them to go. Why would you be attracted to the person who wanted to erase the love of your life?
They’ve made choices that are incompatible with your wants and needs, valuing only their own desires, now it’s time for you to do the same for yourself.
Let's take a look at OP's updates:
Update 1:
“skinny and petite” was how she’s always been and remained up until about the 3rd year of our marriage. I mentioned it to point out the disproportionality when she got her boobs done early into our marriage.
She gained weight after that (not intentionally but due to a change in birth control) then got the BBL last year. She thought she might as well get a BBL instead of just losing the weight.
I don’t think we can find a way of telling them we don’t find them attractive without sounding unsupportive or mean. I really wish attraction was something we could control. Frankly, I’m probably just going to wait for this to pass although there isn’t much hope of that for me.
Yeah she is the same person on the inside. We’ve always had an amazing emotional connection and that’s remained in tact. It’s just the physical attraction and our sex life that’s gotten terrible.
Our relationship would be amazing again if there’s something I could do to find her attractive again. She can’t get her old body or face back, so I’m going to have to start finding the new her attractive. I thought if I just tell myself over and over again that I do find her attractive, it’ll just become a reality but it hasn’t. Not even close. I have no idea what to do.
Update 2:
I was thinking of couples and even sex therapy. But in order to do that, I’d have to be honest with her. I just don’t know how I’m going to tell her she went above and beyond to alter her appearance and I don’t find her attractive.
She did all that because she thought people didn’t find her attractive and didn’t believe me when I said I did. I think this will just crush her and I’m not sure if I can do it.
She has a credit card debt of just above $20k now. I told her it doesn’t make sense to get into debt over this and she said the credit card is in her name only and she will pay it off herself and not drag me into it.
Since she’s been trying to pay it off though, I’ve had to pay for the majority of our other bills since part of her income is now going to that debt.
I get a bit frustrated about this but that isn’t even the worst part about all of this. It might seem shallow but I went from thinking my wife was genuinely the most beautiful woman I’d ever met, to thinking she isn’t at all my type physically. I just want to rewind time and convince her not to do this.