'AITA for marrying my brother's ex wife and considering adopting his child after he abandoned both of them?' + UPDATE
"AITA for marrying my brother's ex wife and considering adopting his child after he abandoned both of them?"
lovely-picture
I (28m) have been dating my brother's ex wife (30f) for past 3 years, my brother married his ex wife 8 years ago, after she got pregnant he didn't want the child and forced her to abort.
She didn't want to, so he just divorced her in just one year and gave up all his rights, my then sister in law was devastated, she was single mother, my brother does pay alimony and child support, we all are childhood friends and lived in the same neighborhood.
Idk what she saw in him that she married to him so early, my brother is a pos he bullied me as well.he is a golden child after all. So I supported my sil and friend throughout her pregnancy and and helped my nephew as well, he never saw his father cause pos never met him.
So 3 years ago, we started dating, we never told any of our family members and I moved in with her, we avoided telling anyone to not create any problem, so a week ago my brother came at his ex's place.
He was shocked to see me and asked me what I was doing here, and we had no choice to tell him the truth. He was very mad at me and he hit me and screaming at me asking how could I do this to him.
After a bit of fight, he said he came here, to reconnect with his ex and become a part of his child's life, and he didn't know that I was a scumbag enough to do this to him.
My now girfriend threatened him to leave and she doesn't want anything to do with him, he screamed at both of us and called us such lovely names. In the end, we both threatened to call cops if he doesn't leave so he finally left.
Now all my family members mom dad grands are saying I shouldn't have had such a relationship with my brother's ex and im a scum and they are ashamed of me, I should break up with her so my brother can be with his wife and child and I'm an obstacle.
I said to them that we were gonna tell them soon and planning to get married this year or early in 25, and they called me names and threatening to cut contact and and said that they won't attend the wedding.
My girlfriend is telling me to not mind them and saying that we will get married even if it's just the two of us and saying that I should report my brother for what I did. So AITA for doing this??
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
DevotedRed
NTA and there’s no reason to wait until they cut you off - go NC with them now. You already know you can’t trust them with the most important aspects of your life so they’re not worth any effort or consideration.
The OP responded here:
lovely-picture
I just thought I would be able to keep my relationship with my family that's why I didn't go nc or reported my brother.
no_thanks_9802
So you help and support the woman & child your brother ABANDONED, but you're the scum?! Yeah it's time to go LC or NC with every family member that thinks this. Also WTF is your brother thinking, coming back after all this time, ignoring his responsibilities, & having his fun and thinks things are just going to go back the same? Yeah you can tell he was the golden child and can do no wrong. NTA.
The OP again responded:
lovely-picture
No I'm not a scum for helping her and her kid, they knew about it. I'm a scum bag because I am in a relationship with her and adopting her kid, which I shouldn't have done in their words. She is not just my brother's ex, she's also my childhood friend and I fell for her and we did what we did and they are angry at us now.
Unhappy_Wishbone_551
Your brother seems to think that she should just be waiting for him after his wandering dick days were over. Reconnect? Lol, he's crazy. You aren't the AH. It's an uncommon situation, but it sounds like it works just fine. Congrats.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
lovely-picture
First of thanks to all of the majority of the people for their support and kind opinions, there are also some who are threatening me saying if it where them Id be 2 feets under or there are some people I shouldn't mess with. Or I shouldn't put my hands on 'someone's wife or blood', bro he did that himself, he abandoned both of them and before she's my brother's ex wife she's my best friend.
Coming back to the update there's nothing much to say, yesterday we sat down and called my family and talked to clear things up, it was my girlfriend who talked to them and she said even if we both don't get married there is no chance that she will be with him or allow him to meet her kid no matter what, and it isn't up to him to decide for her what she can and she can't do.
My family and brother all started convincing her to give my brother a chance to be a dad and husband after alot of yapping, my wife said no she already has found another man, and there isn't much he can do to stop her.
Then my brother started threatening me cause he knew I was listening, I didn't even say much, he said I 'went too far' and saying nasty things, my wife cut him off and said never contact any of us.
So now we have decided that we are going to file complaint in the morning and move somewhere else near her parents or at her parents, if I marry her he won't need to pay alimony but he will be required to pay child support unless I adopt him, so we decided to forget about money and going with marriage and adoption.
We don't care about vengeance or money, we just wanna live our life in peace and without any drama, and I'll never talk to my family or have any contact with them even if I or any of them die cause forget them.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's updated post:
ElehcarTheFirst
Good. Congratulations on being a decent human being. Your parents raised one good kid, and whatever we'll call your brother. Congrats on your real family.
Clean_Factor9673
You can't adopt him unless your brother voluntarily gives up his parental rights.
CTU
NTA, your stbw sounds awesome and you are great and hope you make a good father to the child. Your family is full of idiots minus you of course. They can't treat a woman like a doll, she don't want your shitty brother so idk why they can't deal with it.
Sousou2307
Wonderful news but help me out - if the father gave away his rights - why is he paying child support, if he didn’t give it away he needs to approve the adoption which he won’t do - just help me understand.
Fancy_Bass_1920
NTA!!! Way to step up!
Forget the rest of the family. They are not worth your time or grief.