'I might be a boy’s father and I’m anxious about telling my wife.' AITA? + UPDATE
"I might be a boy’s father and I’m anxious about telling my wife."
He called me last night after dinner. I thought it was honestly a prank. He mentioned his mom’s name who was my ex in high school. And she passed away of complications from covid a few months ago.
She never told him about who his dad was and his grandparents told him. He’s calling me with their permission because he apparently wanted to talk to me. I was already speechless and don’t think I reacted well to the boy.
His grandma (my ex’s mom) took the phone from him and I recognized her voice. She explained some more. The fact that my ex found out she was pregnant after I broke up with her because I wanted to go to an out of state college and we didn’t want to do long distance.
She said they were against it because she was still young but that’s how she wanted it. This was too much. I didn’t want to believe it. She told me we could get a paternity test done since I don’t believe her but I should get ready to accept that I’m his father once the results get back. This kept me up all night.
My wife could tell somethings up but I haven’t had the guts to tell her yet. We’re still on the fence about having kids. If he ends up being mine then that impacts both our lives when we weren’t even sure about wanting children. A teenager isn’t a child I know but still. She deserves to know. But I can’t get the words out.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
It’s not like you cheated on her. And honestly this boy deserves to know you. You’re his only living parent. Get the paternity test. But also tell her the situation. You didn’t know and you just found out. But tbh it’s not right to abandon this boy that you unknowingly made just bc you and your wife may or may not want kids.
He’s here now. So you can’t snub this boy. He didn’t know about you and he did nothing wrong. Tell your wife. If she decides to leave that’s her choice. I feel like she’ll be in shock just as you are but I don’t think this is necessarily grounds for divorce. But if this boy turns out to be your blood son, it would be terrible of you to abandon him.
You need to tell your wife before doing anything else, she will understand if you tell her now. If you keep it from her and tell other people, meet him, get the DNA test etc she is going to feel like you lied to her. Tell her, she would probably make a good sounding board, whilst you un-jumble all your thoughts.
You can start by telling her what you told us - that you had a girlfriend in high school but you broke up because you left for college and didn’t want to date long distance. You haven’t really heard from her since then, and just got a call from her son, telling you that she passed away a few months ago, and that it turns out this boy could be your son, and you aren’t sure what to believe and are in utter shock.
Sixteen days later, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you for all your helpful advice when I posted this before. It really eased my nerves about telling my wife because you’re right it’s not like I cheated and I never even knew about the kid.
After I told my wife we reached out to his grandparents to arrange getting a paternity test. My wife and I talked many times even before the results came in. This was wild for her. As it was for me. But she told me if he’s my son then he needs me and she hopes I feel the same way. I do completely. Not gonna run out on the boy for my own actions.
I’m glad we were on the same page about that. The fact that she told me she would’ve lost respect for me if I didn’t want to try being involved or at least support my kid was heart warming. She’s incredible.
Got the results back a couple days ago and we took a look together. I’m his father. I don’t know why but I was crying. My wife hugged me, honestly I don’t know why I did. It just hit me that I’m a father and all the time we missed together.
We talked to his grandparents again and I got to talk to the boy for a minute. Mostly to tell him I’m sorry for how I initially reacted with him and that wasn’t fair to him. Kid seems really eager for us to meet (I am too), he asked me if it’s okay to call me dad and I’m like of course it is. We’re still trying to figure things out in terms of scheduling a meeting.
He has my number now and he texts me everyday. Nothing in particular just to say hi . But it makes me smile and he seems like a sweet boy. My wife says he has my crooked smile. I have no idea how she’s managing this so well. I’ve been a wreck these last few days.
Going from panicking “holy eff I have a son, what am I gonna do???” to feeling sad and guilty about missing out on his life, and then talking nonstop about little stuff he’s told me about himself so far.
I’ve even asked my wife how the heck are you so composed right now?? The following days after I told her she was distant while she tried to process it but now she’s in that let’s get down to business mode. She thinks maybe it’s just her way of still processing this. I’m so grateful I told her. Having her support has made this a lot easier.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Are you still in another state? Could you have casual meetings in the future or would it mean traveling each time? Congrats to you and your son! (and, somehow, your wife).
There's news, and then there is NEWS. I can not imagine the emotions running through him. But at 35 and his son being a teenager, they have hopefully decades to catch up. Of course, nothing will fill that lost time.
Damn. I kinda feel angry at the ex for not informing about the dad earlier. It is such a terrible thing to do... both the kid and Op missed out on lot. Hope they catch up. On a side note, does op's wife have any sisters or anything?
Grandma’s not great either, telling OP “he should get ready to accept that he’s the dad when the paternity results get back”. Like, lady, he isn’t necessarily calling you a liar, just a bit off balance FROM BEING TOLD HE HAS A TEENAGE SON. What’s this “get ready to accept being a Dad” business from a women who helped her child hide the son from OP?
"He asked me if it’s okay to call me dad."
Ugh, straight to the heart. Barely knew the guy and already wanted to call him dad. He must've wanted one so bad.