Woman's MIL takes her baby in middle of the night; 'I couldn’t protect my baby.' + UPDATE
"MIL basically kidnapped my baby."
So a little back story. My husband is an only child. His mom has always been very involved. We got along somewhat but she always sort of crossed some lines. She has a key to our house for emergency purposes only because she lives 4 blocks away.
I had our daughter 4 weeks ago. She has been over at least three days every week since I've had her. She's always telling me what I am doing wrong and how she'd do things so differently.
Baby is up every two hours at night and she insists she'd sleep through the night if she could stay at grandmas. I told her I'm not comfortable sending a breastfed baby away over night at 4 weeks. This last week she kept pushing the issue no matter how many times I said no.
Last night we put the baby in her crib. We stopped room sharing because the baby was so loud I could get no sleep what so ever so my husband has been getting her when it's time for her to feed. Husband fell asleep early and I dozed off.
I woke up four hours later and started to panic because she hadn't made any noise. I was sure she had died of sids. I went into her room and she was gone. I froze and started screaming her name around the house like she would somehow pop out like it was all a joke.
My husband woke up in a panic and just screamed "what's going on!!" Over and over. I ran to my phone to call 911 and saw a picture message from my MIL of my sleeping baby in her arms with the caption "sleepover at gamgams".
I was immediately enraged. I screamed so hard I almost vomited. I called her and saw red. I told her I was coming to get the baby and she would never see her again and to never contact our family again.
My husband decided it was best if he went to get her. When he came back he said his mother decides for let herself in and "give us a break" that she was sure we'd hear the text and she thought we would be thanking her for a nights sleep.
I do not give a efff. I hate her. I cannot forgive her for this. My husband thinks I need to calm down. That we just need to get our key back. His lack of urgency about the situation makes me want to divorce him.
We have never had any issues before this but this feels like a deal breaker to me. I already had PPA and now it's through the roof. I don't feel safe in my own home with my family. I hate my MIL. I hate my husband.
When I think about what happened I sob uncontrollably. I can't sleep now that I know I can't protect my baby when I sleep. I can't believe I did not wake up. I feel like the biggest piece of shit mother. If any danger really came I would have let my daughter down.
Am I overreacting for wanting a divorce or for never wanting to see my MIL again? My husband and MIL think it's my hormones and I have overreacted. Am I overreacting?? I just needed to talk about it with noninvolved parties.
I have no friends or family for hundreds of miles. Oh and she also fed her formula while she had her but that's the least of my worries. It still infuriates me because breastfeeding has been really hard for us.
Update: I just wanted to give everyone a quick update. I didn't respond but I've read every comment and the support I got has meant so much to me. I bawled reading them because I finally felt like someone was on my side.
I called my mom late last night and I got a hotel. I refused to tell my husband where I was going but told him the baby and I would be safe. My mom is disgusted about what I've been through. She's getting on a plane today to come help me.
This entire experience has pushed me to the point that I need therapy so today my first order of business is getting a therapist set up asap. I decided to go alone for a while and when I'm ready, go with my husband to see if there is a chance to move past this.
Right now I still don't want to but I also agree I'm not in the place to make life changing decisions. Either way, I can never move back into that house. I don't know what my plan is past these next few days yet but I'm just going to take it day by day for right now.
As for my MIL, I'm going to go to the police today to find out how to get a restraining order. Her and my husband keep saying "but she was safe! She was never on danger!" I disagree.
My MIL is clearly not mentally capable to care for a child. Who knows what else she would do because she feels she knows best. Thank you all so much. I can't tell you how much the support from some Internet strangers has meant to me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
You are not overreacting. This is very, very scary. This would be my hill to die on. She kidnapped your child. Literally kidnapped. I would be on the phone to the police to report my MIL took my child from my home without permission like a thief in the night and that I would like to know if I can press charges and, if not, what I CAN do.
I would be asking for a restraining order against her. Take all the steps you need to take and protect yourself and your child. Your husband is protecting his mother. Not his wife or his child. He is gas lighting you to protect his mommy. So he needs a come to Jesus or I would tell him to get the fuck out of the house until he prioritizes HIS family.
100% agree with filing a police report. Even if you don't act on it now there's a record if future problems arise. I just can't wrap my mind around how anyone would think this is ok to do. ETA: I see a lot of people saying to get your key back but I'd just change the locks. I wouldn't be surprised if she made/makes an extra key.
Since your MIL wants a baby so badly, tell your husband to go sleep at his mommy's house until he decides he's ready to be a grown up.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
I want to thank everyone again that thought about me after my first post. This past two weeks have been crazy for me emotionally but I saw the request for an update and wanted to let everyone know what was going on even though it’s been generally uneventful.
I got so many messages and comments with support that meant so much to me. So soon after I wrote that post my mom had arrived to help me get through my anxiety and support me.
By the time she was here I was in a hotel and still had not slept. It was going way too long without sleeping and I think the deprivation of sleep was making me crazier. She came and sat with me while I slept. It was the most helpful thing anyone could have done for me. My husband asked to talk so I agreed to meet with him.
He apologized and said he realized I was right, his mom had severely crossed a line and that it was hard for him to accept his mom did something so wrong so in his head he was telling himself it was not that bad and that if the baby wasn’t hurt then no harm was done but he wasn’t thinking about the hurt done to me and my feeling of security.
He said he changed the locks on the home and would support whatever I wanted to do with his mom. He said he was willing to cut off contact for a while but asked I not press charges.
We left it at that for that time. I told him I’d think about what he said and keep in touch. Shortly after this whole thing happened I got a lot of texts from his family supporting me and letting me know they were so sorry about what happened and that no matter what my baby and I are family and we have their support.
That meant so much to me. People were finally backing me up and it gave me some peace of mind. A few days after seeing my husband we met up again. He had a letter from his mom.
I thought about just throwing it out but I decided to read it. It was a very long winded apology. It basically said that she is sick about what she did. She said if someone did that to her when her husband was young she’d want them to die.
She is terrified about losing me as a DIL and her grandchild but she is going to keep her distance. She asked me to reach out if and when I am ready. I still haven’t reached out to her and I don’t know if I will. I feel like her letter may be genuine but I don’t think I will ever trust her again for obvious reasons.
I feel like she sees it as an “easier to has forgiveness than permission” sort of thing. I’m in a hard place of trying to decide how to assert my authority as a mother without alienating my child from people who love them.
I don’t want my forgiveness to seem like weakness and in the end put my child in more situations like this. I’ve been getting help with all this in therapy, which I have started twice a week.
Right now the general guidance I get from my therapist is don’t make any big moves yet (divorce, moving long distances, cutting people out ect) so I’m taking it day by day.
I make sure my husband sees our child every day. We don’t talk about the state of our marriage yet. I told him when I was ready we will talk. He’s respected that and it’s made a huge difference in the hope I have for our future.
So that is really it. There weren’t really any dramatic blow ups or legal action. There are still a lot of unanswered questions for me but this time has been one filled with self-discovery and support from a lot of unexpected places and for that I’m incredibly grateful.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
This doesn't sound uneventful at all! To me it sounds really, really promising, on all fronts. I'm so relieved for you and your child, and wishing you all the best as you continue moving forward. <3
I'd have called the cops and changed the locks regardless. She didn't basically kidnap the baby. She fucking kidnapped the baby. This is the literal definition.
Even once I’d seen the picture I would’ve still called the cops. It’s still kidnapping even if it’s a relative. And then there’s a paper trail that’s begun. Maybe the cops banging on gamgam’s door would’ve taught her a lesson about entering other peoples properties and stealing children in the middle of the night???
When my kid was like eight months old, I went in one morning and he wasn’t in the crib. That was almost 20 years ago and I can still remember that fear. It’s a whole new level of terror when you think that somebody has come into your home and taking the thing that you made and are solely responsible for.
Turns out the little trickster yanked himself out of the crib somehow, then decided to go back to sleep under it. I woke him with my screams and scared him. It was only literally a minute, but there are very few other things that have stuck with me like that feeling did.
It has been almost 8 years…. Wonder how all of them are doing. Wishing OP and her little one good thoughts, glad her mom could come and help. But jeez.