"MIL plays mommy with my baby at Easter Dinner."
My MIL is obsessed with being “the grandma” in the most performative, overbearing way possible, and it’s starting to really feel like she’s trying to play mommy with my baby.
We brought our 2-month-old to Easter dinner so he could meet extended family for the first time. It should’ve been a lovely day—but MIL made it all about her. She insisted on holding him constantly, to the point where other people felt awkward trying to get a turn.
At one point, she even tried to take him from my husband’s cousin, who politely pushed back and said she only sees him once a year. MIL backed off but was clearly annoyed.
She also kept walking off with the baby without saying anything, even after I had just sent a message in the family group chat kindly asking people to let me know if they were going to take him somewhere.
Not only did she ignore that, but I kept finding myself looking around wondering where my own baby had gone. She also took it upon herself to feed him—despite me telling her he gets really fussy and gassy after feeds and I prefer to handle it myself. She waited until I stepped away and then just did it anyway.
She wants to be the one to find his pacifier, change his outfit, make little comments like “well I’m going to hold him now because I didn’t get to last time” (which isn’t even true—she always does).
She acts like she’s the default parent. Meanwhile, she doesn’t reach out to us during the week, doesn’t ask how he’s doing, doesn’t offer help. But the second we’re around other people, she becomes this all-hands-on-deck grandma who’s glued to him and clearly performing for the room.
I barely held my own baby yesterday. It was honestly heartbreaking. And when I do have him, or if I’m baby-wearing, I can tell she gets annoyed—like I’m taking her baby from her.
I know she’s probably grieving a bit (her other son went NC recently), and I do have empathy for that. But I also need her to respect that I am the mom. This isn’t about proving who loves him more—it’s about respecting boundaries and not turning every family event into a competition.
I feel like I have to fight for time with my own child, and I’m getting exhausted. She seems to feel entitled to be with him all the time and never gives me space to just be his mom. Is this something I need to confront head-on with her?
I’m so torn, and I don’t want to make things worse, but I also can’t keep letting her trample my boundaries. Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? How do you handle it?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Yes. You and DH need to tell/text her: "MIL, we asked you not to take baby off somewhere without telling us and you did it yesterday repeatedly. We told you not to feed the baby yesterday and you did it anyways. Going forward, if you cannot respect our decisions as parents we might have to reevaluate your grandma privileges." (or something to that effect)
And yes, wear that that baby. Who cares if she gets annoyed? If she says something call her out on it: "yes, this way i know baby won't mysteriously wander off out of my sight/get fed off schedule." =) Your baby is exactly that, YOUR baby, don't let her steamroll you!
I would blatantly tell her no. If she says anything along the lines of, "I didn't get to last time," or, "I haven't seen him in a while," I would respond back with, "Sounds like a you problem!" or "Huh, maybe you should check in with us during the week." I've learned that sitting back or gently responding doesn't work. You need to be serious, stern, and stubborn.
You say you don’t want to make things worst. Well, things are bad and you and husband need to do something about it. MIL has taken over being your baby’s mother and you don’t want to make things “worst“. Time to step up and be the protective parent.
Words appear to have no affect on MIL. You need to establish clear boundaries and consequences. Firm and severe boundaries and consequences. MIL dies many things you don’t want to happen to your child. It’s time for a time out no holding baby, no seeing baby for awhile, etc.
When MIL does something she is not suppose to do, immediately, at that moment, address the issue. Don’t wait, she will deny it. Don’t fall for fake tears and tantrum. Even with others around, do it. I’m sure they know what MIL is like. You and husband need to develop a backbone. You don’t want to make things “worst”. MIL has shown she no respect for you and your decisions with your child.
jademeaw (OP)
Things are the absolute worst, definitely true! My husband will be addressing this with her like he has done before, I just want some perspective on how I should react as well.
Being on his shadow when it comes to dealing with MIL hasn’t been working because she often comes to me saying that my husband said this and that to her, trying to make me confess that it was coming from me. So I am guessing I have to be straightforward with her.
Call her out each and every time Be polite but firm “MIL I have asked you not to do x. Are you having memory issues?” MIL please do not ignore my request/instructions or I will need to stop spending time with you.
It must be so hard not to point out that she just lost one son and here she's working on losing the other. The part where she looks annoyed at you for babywearing is especially aggravating. I would eventually be forced, at risk of exploding entirely, to ask in full dripping sarcasm, "I'm sorry, am I hogging your baby?"