MIL takes back family heirloom from DIL before the wedding. AITA?

"AITA for taking back a family heirloom from my DIL before the wedding?"

My family has two heirlooms that we give to a bride or groom when they marry. For the men, it’s a set of cufflinks, and for the women, it’s a bracelet.

My oldest son and my oldest sister are married, and their spouses wore the bracelet or cufflinks at their weddings. This tradition is essentially our family’s way of saying, “We’re accepting you into the family.”

When my future DIL got engaged, I gave her the bracelet and explained that it’s a family heirloom, expressing how meaningful it would be if she wore it at the wedding.

I mentioned that she could wear it during the reception if she preferred not to wear it in the ceremony. It’s a white jade bracelet, and I shared its significance with her.

Now, with the wedding only a few months away, there’s a problem. My daughter has been getting to know my future daughter-in-law, and she recently came to me, saying that my future daughter-in-law thinks the bracelet is ugly and has been complaining about it.

She even showed me texts where my future daughter-in-law said some hurtful things about me, calling me a “controlling ass” for giving her the bracelet. This was hurt and it feels like a complete rejection, especially since she knows why it’s important. When I asked my son, he said he didn’t know anything about her feelings on this.

Since she clearly doesn’t want or respect the bracelet, I asked for it back. That’s when things got messy. She made a big deal about how I was excluding her from the family by taking it back.

Now, she’s pissed and calling me a jerk. My son also thinks I’m a jerk for taking it back, even after I showed him what she said. People are divided over this, saying that by taking it back, it implies I don’t see her as family or trust her with the heirloom

Let's see what readers had to say:

samigeor writes:

Ok so let’s break this down… You have this family heirloom that you lent to DIL as a way of saying “we accept you in our family” and mentioned she didn’t have to wear the bracelet the whole time. Ok, cool, fine, adorable.

So your DIL confided in your daughter about not liking the bracelet and felt like you were being controlling about telling her what to wear at her wedding. I don’t love this, but she is allowed to have negative feelings pertaining to this tradition. It was never in her mind growing up and thinking about her wedding and she doesn’t like the look. That’s her right.

I really don’t love that your daughter essentially tattled on DIL to you about this. Then you took all of that and decided you didn’t want DIL to have the bracelet at all and, by your admission, are basically saying, “we don’t accept you as family anymore” because she wasn’t playing well by your rules.

I will admit that her calling you a “controlling ass” for having her partake in a tradition is too far. And I think that makes her an AH, even though that thought was never meant for you to hear.

But instead of going to her and saying, “I understand you don’t like the bracelet and I don’t want to pressure you into wearing something you don’t want to wear at your own wedding” you doubled down, took the bracelet away, and became a controlling ass.

So now there’s unnecessary drama because DIL expressed her feelings to the wrong person, your daughter tattled, and you took it personally. And I seriously doubt DIL will trust either of you after this. And your son will (rightfully) take her side as his wife. So fix this or be prepared for consequences. ESH.

garetttt writes:

NAH, but you're getting pretty close. Did you ask her if she WANTED to participate in your family's tradition, or did you just hand her the bracelet and say "You have to wear this on your wedding day.

I don't care if you wear it to the wedding, to the reception, or both, but YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR IT." I don't know many men or women who would react well to that. I get that it's important to YOU, but did you discuss what is important to HER?

Having participated in a bunch of "family traditions" over the past few decades, I can attest there's a nonzero chance that every single woman who wore that bracelet--or the men who wore the cufflinks--admired them and was 100% grateful for the "privilege" of wearing them.

I bet more than a few of them thought it was downright ugly and resented having to do so. I bet some of them even said so in private, just like your DIL to-be, But they were willing to do it anyway, just like your DIL was willing to do.

And even though it was extremely rude to say to your daughter, you kind of are a controlling ass. SHe knew it was important to you, she understood its significance, so she agreed to wear it anyway to make you happy.

But that wasn't good enough for you; you had to punish her--publicly--because she didn't toe the family line AND be ecstatic about it. Someone who wasn't all that controlling would acknowledge the bracelet doesn't have the same importance or significance to her and would recognize that it's okay for her to dress and accessorize herself how she wishes AT HER OWN WEDDING.

Just because it's something that a family "has always done" doesn't mean it is, in fact, something that has to be done, or even a good idea. When my daughter got married, she didn't have a cake at her wedding.

She'd looked at her new family-to-be's wedding albums and saw, without exception, a picture of every bride with cake and icing on her face.

Her FIL told her that she'd "better get used to the idea" because it was "something the family always does" She said "the f you will" and had a cookie table instead. (And she looked beautiful in ALL her photos, not just the ones that would have been taken before a cake-cutting.)

Maybe it's a good idea to involve all your family in your family traditions, and let your DIL help decide which ones she wants to participate in, without resentment or recriminations.

fealty writes:

ESH. The text messages alone are weird to even be saying that to each other.

But if your DIL didn't like it and didn't tell you why, are you taking action because she doesn't like it? She can dislike it and still wear it. She probably wanted to wear it cause her husband was doing the same. Do you both have a conversation? Or you just gone by what your daughter showed you?

Why did your daughter even show this without anyone realky talking about it? Of course, your son is going to side with his soon to be wife. Because it's not just about the wife. it's about him too. Like I said, she can hate the jewelry but still go alone with it for him and the neaning of it.

Future DIL the AH for calling you controlling. It makes me wonder how she got comfortable enough to say this around your daughter, though.

gopy writes:

Your daughter is the AH for disclosing this to you. It sounds like the bride was just venting to someone she trusted and thought would understand - wrongly - but she was planning to wear or otherwise incorporate it some way, otherwise she wouldn’t want to keep it.

She didn’t mention this to her future husband, your son. She didn’t mention it to you. She vented to the wrong person, who then turned around and snitched on her instead of 1) confronting bride herself or 2) encouraging her to talk to you directly.

You’re N T A for being hurt but you would be an AH for insisting she has to give it back now that she’s clarified she wants to keep and wear it. Everyone in this situation, other than the groom, owes everyone else an apology. Just say sorry you came off as controlling and move on.