'AITA for being hurt that my MIL wanted to exclude my daughter from Thanksgiving and Christmas to protect my SIL?'
"AITA for being hurt that my MIL wanted to exclude my daughter from Thanksgiving and Christmas to protect My SIL?"
Friendly_Lab7306
I (31F) married my husband Tyler (32M) and I gave birth to our first child (a baby girl) almost three months ago. I love Tyler very much, and I always felt grateful that I married into the family I did.
I grew up with a single mom and it was always just the two of us. I love my mother dearly, but I always wished I had a larger family unit with siblings when I was a little. My mom passed away from ovarian cancer about two years ago, and so now I truly don’t have family apart from my in-laws.
By contrast, my husband’s parents are happily married and he’s one of four children. Everyone has always been kind and welcoming to me, and I always have a blast at their holidays and family reunions.
The only exception is Tyler’s twin sister Ashley. Since I met her, Ashley has been cool and standoffish towards me, especially compared to her friendly younger brothers and parents.
She’s never been outright mean to me, but she’s also never made much of an effort to ask me questions or get to know me. I know she also has some resentment towards Tyler, and sometimes comments on the fact that he’s the favorite and that everything comes easy to him.
Some of her comments irk me, since I know how hard Tyler has worked for his success and also see that he has struggles he doesn’t share with the family since he doesn’t like to burden others. I’ve never said anything about the comments, since Tyler accepts it’s the way she is and doesn’t get too bothered by her.
Even though Ashley and I are far from best friends, I’ve been sad to learn that she’s had a hard time getting pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for around two years now, and she recently had a miscarriage.
I’ve tried to be mindful of what she’s going through, and intentionally avoided talking about my pregnancy and now baby around her. I even declined my MIL’s offer to throw me a baby shower, since I thought it would be difficult for Ashley with everything going on.
With that being said, the entire family has been incredibly exited about my daughter. My husband is the first of his siblings to have a child, and so it’s an exciting time and transition for the family.
Yesterday, my MIL and FIL came to our house for dinner. My MIL said she had something difficult to speak with us about, and stared talking about what a hard few years it’s been for Ashley.
My MIL said Ashley is excited for us, but it’s painful to see me with an infant when she’s wanted to be a mother for so long. She said Ashley is dreading the holidays because she’s worried everyone will be focusing on and fussing over the new baby.
My MIL said that she was looking forward to spending the holidays with us, especially since it’s our daughter’s first Thanksgiving and Christmas, but she’s trying to think of her daughter’s feelings as well.
My MIL basically asked if we could either sit out on the family Thanksgiving and Christmas this year or hire sitter to watch our daughter so all the focus won’t be on her. My MIL even floated the idea of me staying home with the baby, and my husband stopping by quickly to say hello.
My husband was livid. He said that Ashley should be the one to stay home if she can’t manage her emotions, and my MIL said that Ashley is going through a lot and needs her family right now. My husband said he’s not celebrating the holidays with the family unless the baby and I are both included.
I started crying, which surprised everyone, since I rarely show emotion. I said that I feel terrible for Ashley, but I’m incredibly sad and disappointed that my daughter is being excluded.
I explained that I don’t have family now that my mother is gone, and so I really want my child to have a strong bond with her grandparents, uncles, and aunt. My MIL said there will be opportunities in the future for her to bond with the family.
I said I don’t think I’ll feel welcomed in the future now that I know they’re so willing to exclude both myself and my daughter. I said it’s sad that we’re clearly not viewed as an important part of the family since my MIL was so quick to suggest we both stay home. I said I understand that Ashley is her daughter, and so her loyalty will always be to her her first, but also, I’m very hurt by the request.
My MIL started to backtrack and said that she loves me and her granddaughter very much and that this clearly wasn’t the right way to handle the situation. She said she was trying to do the right thing, but she didn’t spend enough time thinking everything through.
My husband was still fuming, and asked his parents to leave even though his mom was crying and begging to work things out. I’ve gotten several calls from my MIL today. I know I should give her a call and hear what she has to say, but I’m still so hurt.
My husband is also upset, and doesn’t want to participate in the holidays this year. Maybe I’m being selfish under the circumstances, but I can’t believe how easily they could exclude my baby. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Enigmaticsole
Let your husband deal with his family and take a step back. Start your own family traditions. There is nothing to stop you inviting who you want to celebrate with…
Friendly_Lab7306 (OP)
100%! I have some good friends in the area we can celebrate with if needed.
Aware-Jicama-3462
Go have a friendsgiving! We have done it for years and it is worth the memories of laughter and fun! Friends are family!
Janetaz18
NTA. What were MIL and FIL's plans if Ashley is never able to have a baby? Leave you out until your child is an adult? It's sad that she hasn't been able to get pregnant but it shouldn't mean that you and your child are treated any differently.
lecorbeauamelasse
Spoiler alert: your husband is not, in fact, the favorite. Good for your husband for standing his ground and stepping up for you and your wee one. Let him take the lead with his family, that's his job and he seems to be doing it very well. All the best to you and your family.