'AITA for missing my sister’s wedding after she scheduled it on a date I can't go?'

"AITA for missing my sister’s wedding after she scheduled it on a date I can't go?"

Sister and fiancé (both early 40’s) are getting married after many years of dating, first marriage for both, but they’ve been casual about this from the get-go. They decided to get married randomly after a conversation with friends prompted it, no proposal, wanted a courthouse ceremony and just a party with their frien

Our family has blown this up a bit. It seems to be moving now more towards a backyard wedding with friends and family. Several months ago while they were discussing dates, my sister asked me what my availability was because I’m the only family that lives far away and I have 3 young kids, so I’m the most difficult to pin down.

We talked through my schedule and I gave her dates that were kind of like “no”, “maybe”, and “yes, absolutely." She said she was planning on those “yes” timeframes anyways so, awesome, this will be great.

Save the dates go out via email a few weeks later, and she set a date that was on my “maybe” weekends. I call and ask what’s up, she said her and finance also kicked dates around with friends, and this was the one that seemed to work for them so… they decided to do that.

The “maybe” reason for me was related to other travel I have already scheduled. Trying to get back to my hometown with my whole family is no longer an option, now it becomes only some of us go, and not others, or we fly out on different days… it’s a mess to navigate.

She says “Hey it’s okay. I want you there, but I understand.” I talk to my spouse, we decide it’s too much to navigate, too expensive to make it work, we’re not going. My sister seems fine, she keeps downplaying mom & dad making a big deal out of this, says it’s not even a wedding...yada yada.

I’m feeling okay but my siblings and my parents are absolutely ripping me to shreds over this. They are piling on the heaviest guilt trips, accusing me of not caring about family and sh$t like that.

Like I should just cancel and eat the cost of other things I’ve already paid for (and can’t get refunded) and drop thousands of dollars to fly my family to this wedding that my sister scheduled to happen on a weekend when they knew I may not be able to attend. So...AITA for skipping this wedding?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

PandaCotton said:

NTA. Your sister is planning her wedding knowing you might not be there. You had discussed this possibility. Your family shouldn't even be involved, they're the ones creating drama where none exists. Enjoy your trip.

Thejmax said:

YTA, timeline and comments prove that. You gave a maybe for the date and then booked a non refundable trip without talking to your sister a week before the invite was sent. You should have either said it was a no from the start or confirmed with your sister before turning the maybe into a no.

Amazing-Squash said:

YTA. Fly out on different days. Or don't go because you don't want to.

Question4047 said:

Yta. You gave a maybe to something you already paid for. That is all on you. It should have been no. Never provide maybes. For all saying moving parts, plans coming together, reread. This was about 2 weeks. This means op would have already paid for travel but gave a maybe.

helloooodave said:

Sorry. But I’m ruling a light YTA. Seems like you have lots of other travel plans that you are making work. She booked on a “maybe” weekend and not a “no” and you’re not going because you don’t want to coordinate (not because you have other travel scheduled).

These family life events are never easy or convenient. They are making schedules taking into consideration convenience for a lot of people - not just you. At this point you’re really more making a choice to NOT go because you can’t be bothered.

rnason said:

YTA you should have said no if you had travel planned and if it you hasn't planned it before giving the maybe you should have waited until you knew when she was getting married.

Later OP came back with a big edit:

ETA INFO: I’m reading and trying to reply but there’s a lot here. I’m definitely taking away a lot of different things that happened here that might have made me the AH. The common question is “why did I say MAYBE if I had plans?” That’s valid criticism, but when I said we looked at dates, what I meant was more like general timeframes.

It went like this: my sister says they want to do it before the weather cools down. This leaves us pretty much with July/Aug/Sept. I said hey July is absolutely nuts for us at work if you do it then we definitely can’t go. August, there’s some weeks that are better than others, it’s a toss up. September I’m wide open, zero conflicts.

She had been saying Sept all along, that was THE month. We didn’t even talk about specific dates in Aug because she wasn’t indicating that was an option for her at that time. When I hung up I was entirely under the impression that it was going to be Sept and Aug wasn’t on the radar.

I understand why some think I come across as being “judgy” about their wedding, or that I’m trying to make it seem unimportant. That’s really not how I feel. I’ve encouraged her from the start to block out all the family noise and just do what she wants. My dad tried to get her to change the date when I said my family couldn’t make it and I had to tell him to leave her alone and let her do what she wants.

She’s been the one who didn’t want to call it a wedding, she didn’t like that it was turning into a bigger thing, told me many times they were just trying to make the parents happy by doing “a thing”. I’m certainly wondering now if she was being honest with me about the importance of it, and my being there, it’s possible she was just trying to not to put a guilt trip on me.

She knows it costs a fortune for us to fly out, that it’s a full day of travel in each direction. It’s not some 2 hour direct cheap flight for a casual weekend trip. It’s coast to coast and corner to corner with multiple flights and hours of driving to/from both departing and arriving airports.

My sister has expressed to me repeatedly that she is fine with it. General consensus here from the comments is that I shouldn’t take her at her word, and I should assume my relationship will be ruined with her forever because even if she says it’s okay, she doesn’t mean it.