Mistress and mom to ex-BF's affair child is contacted by his wife; 'I'm scared. My ex was in an ACCIDENT? WTF?' AITA? 2 MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman is shocked to hear from the father of her baby's wife, she asks Reddit:
(OP also provides a crazy update after she ends up talking to his wife...)
"I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me. AITA? What do I do?"
I (F, 26) had an affair with a married man (M, 42) a few years ago. I had no clue he was married when we first met and hooked up.
I obviously looked him up on social media and while he did have photos of his kids on there, there was absolutely no mention or photos of a wife at all.
I found out that he was married about a month after we first got together, but he told me it was just a marriage on paper and that they basically lived separate lives and agreed to remain married for practical purposes until the kids were older.
They owned a business, which she really ran and he was just financially involved in.
I knew at the time that I probably shouldn’t believe him, but I convinced myself it was true. I was in my early 20s and so attracted to him and I guess almost infatuated with him.
He made me feel so good. I know now that I should have ended it immediately, but I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I was addicted to all of the attention he gave me, the great sex, the places he’d take me. I felt special. I was so naive.
I got pregnant about a year into seeing him. I had always been so careful with preventing pregnancy, but during my relationship with him I took stupid risks. I was so high in lust with this guy, it’s embarrassing.
The things he’d asked me to do…I’d say yes to almost anything, even when I knew it was a bad idea.
I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I hadn’t intentionally wanted to get pregnant. I would of course dream about being his wife and having a family but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility while he had this arrangement with his actual wife.
I didn’t get pregnant on purpose with any intention of him leaving her for me, even if I wished that we could be a real, normal couple. I was surprised by how excited I was to be pregnant with his baby.
I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. The thought of carrying this baby of the man I loved was so special to me, but I knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same.
I told him I was pregnant and he told me I couldn’t keep the baby. I expected his reaction, but I was devastated and it hurt me to my core that he didn’t feel the same way I did.
He offered to pay, to make a whole weekend of it somewhere exciting (wtf?) and to buy me something special if I’d just please get rid of the baby.
He explained that he didn’t want any more kids and that he couldn’t openly be a father to another kid when he and his wife were still pretending to be happily married to the outside world.
I agreed to do what he wanted and we made plans for him to pick me up and find somewhere out of town to go get it done. I was all packed the night he was going to pick me up, but I started to feel really scared and really unsafe about the whole thing.
I took my bag and checked myself into a hotel to hide because I couldn’t go with him. I texted him to say I promised to never contact him again and to never name him as the father or go after child support if he’d promise to leave me alone.
At first he tried to sweet talk me into doing what he wanted. When I didn’t cave in, he said some very nasty things to me and that I essentially better never contact him again or show up at his door.
I have a 2 year old now. At times, it’s been difficult, but overall we are thriving as best we can. I have kept my word about not naming his as the father or requesting child support.
His wife contacted me on social media. Well, she’s his ex-wife now. She wants to talk to me. She found out about me and told me that she divorced him 6 months ago. She wants her children to know their sibling and for my child to know his siblings. That’s weird to me.
I haven’t responded back to her yet. I am unsure about how to approach this. How to I respond to this? I wonder if I’m being selfish by not exploring an option for my child to know his siblings, if she’s being genuine about that.
If I was married and my husband fathered a child outside of our marriage I don’t think I’d feel the same that she does. AITA? I don't know what to do...
Before we give you some of OP's major updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses. Readers had a LOT of advice to give OP:
eyeballbeesting writes:
So many people telling you to go for it for the sake of the child and possible child support, but I would say that you have good instincts which served you well. Don't ignore them now.
You are leading a happy life with your child. You have survived so far without his financial help. Letting her and the children into your lives will be inviting him back into your life too.
You also don't know what her intentions are OR if it is even her who is contacting you. No matter what, it will be inviting him back into your life in some way.
He made you feel unsafe and wanted you to get rid of your child. He also abandoned you and your child. He cheated on his wife and kids for a long time- he is NOT a good guy. I would say, keep him out of your life. Continue as you are.
bambina7 writes:
I'd keep that door open but not walk through it. You have good instincts, and your uneasiness is probably well-founded. Maybe she really is a saint who's over whatever resentment she may have felt toward you.
Or maybe the marriage really was a shell, and she doesn't care about him enough to see you as a past threat. OR maybe she does resent you and is using your little son as a means to get into your life and make you suffer.
I'd tell her you're not opposed to the idea but that you don't want to rush into anything. And tell her that you eventually saw [his name] as he really was, and you don't want to ever be in the same room with him.
Suggest you exchange emails or texts first, and then maybe progress to phone calls. If that goes well for a while, then maybe meet just her, and do it in a public place.
ambitiousaudience0 writes:
Honestly, this is suspect. It sounds too good to be true, and it probably is. Those encouraging you to meet aren't thinking about the situation fully. You have no way to verify that this person is who they say they are. It could be your ex or someone else connected to the situation. Keep yourself and your child safe.
Your ex seemed a little unhinged towards the end. If you really want to pursue this, investigate the guy and family. Bring at least 2 people to meet this individual in a very public space if you choose to bypass an investigation. Also, don't bring your kid.
For all you know, the father might want access to a kid without you in the picture. Plus, you don't know this woman. There are some women who would go to amazing lengths to keep useless men. Whatever you do OP be careful.
lady33T writes:
Lady, with all due respect, the ex-wife is giving you a lot of grace here. You literally slept with her husband for over a year and even had a child from him while they were still married.
And yet, instead of cursing you out or slandering your name (which a lot of people would do), she's choosing to be the bigger person and thinking about what's best for her and your kids.
She wants to give your child the opportunity to have a relationship with his bio siblings, and you don't want to do it because, what, you're scared you're going to hear some harsh words?
How about you do what she's trying to do and put your kid first? I don't have to tell you how selfish it was to have an affair with a married man, so please don't extend this selfishness to your child and deprive him of having more family and people that love him.
ledh77 writes:
Block her without replying if you want, that’s what your gut is telling you to do. Your gut saved you from danger in the past, so trust it now.
You’ve plenty time. in six months a year two years you can change your mind and contact her but you feel scared it’s obvious so stay away for now.
It’s important to note that you do not owe her anything you do not owe her children anything. Sure, in an ideal world You could be a nice little blended family, but is that the reality? I have to agree that it’s a little weird her coming out of the blue with this it seems manipulative.
acceptablehorr70 writes:
Not trying to be mean but you couldn’t see yourself reaching out to your spouses AP because you essentially are the AP who knowingly went into a relationship with a married man.
That doesn’t make you a good person to give advice. Sorry, again not trying to be rude or mean. You willingly put on blinders for this man because you were love bombed into sidestepping your morals.
You knew from the beginning and then talked yourself into believing you were in a mutually respectful relationship. You never were. He played you and when you became more trouble than he was willing to deal with, he bounced and never looked back. That means your relationship was always onesided.
Your decision to keep the baby was a decision you felt comfortable and strongly about. Your AP ex-wife seems like a genuine person.
Your AP spoke just badly enough about her for you to believe him. I’m guessing here but I don’t think she was the issue between them. He lied. It’s that simple for me.
If I were in your position/situation, I’d respond to her and see what she’s looking for with your kids meeting. Meet her alone first and even for a couple of times to talk. She doesn’t sound like she’s coming for you but you never know. That’s why you protect your kid before agreeing and then when you do meet, meet in a public place.
You mentioned it’s been difficult but you’re thriving with your kid. Your child may enjoy meeting his/her siblings, but it also brings up another issue. Have you told your kid who their dad is?
I know you said he’s not on birth certificate or child support. Do you even intend on telling your kid about their dad? Because his older kids may talk about him and as your kid gets older they will wonder why they’ve never met. If you do want the kids to meet, I’d start with that first. At 2 years old, it shouldn’t be too complicated.
I would just like to say good luck with your whatever decision you make. Just remember one thing I heard from somewhere, “we must love our children more than we hate the other person or decision.”
Your kids matter more than anything including our own pride. Make sure your decision benefits your baby not just you. Happy decision making!
BIBIGOOG writes:
OP, you’re not gonna like what I have to say but as the child of an affair, what you did was so irresponsible and don’t blame being in your early 20’s and in love as an excuse.
The best thing you can do is start the process of filing for child support and not expect any emotional support from him. If the ex wife is reaching out, that’s a big deal from her end.
Her family is shattered and has kids that are biologically related to your kid. It won’t hurt for your kid to know they have half siblings. It’ll hurt your kid more down the road your kept that from them. Good luck.
revecar0 writes:
I think it could be very beneficial for your toddler to get to know their siblings. If you stay aloof, not only wil you be denying them this, but they wil in all likelihood come to resent you for it when they find out, and it could damage your relationship.
So I would recommend responding, saying you're open to the idea but have safety concerns and asking for a copy of the divorce certificate.
Then, a coffee catchup with her alone at a neutral locaiton to start with, to get a feel for what she's like and how genuine she is. Then, a play date at a neutral location and go from there. You could bring a friend along for backup to all of these meets until you're comfortable with it all.
If it turns out this is all genuine, this is an amazing opportunity that could be too good to pass up. Just make sure you manage the risks appropriately. Let us know how you go!
And now, OP's MAJOR UPDATE:
freeriver- writes:
He is not legally my son’s father at this time. This means that currently he has no legal parental rights or responsibilities regarding my son. I cannot stop him from taking the legal steps to establish paternity if he wishes to do so.
He will always be my son’s biological father. I can’t change that fact. Regardless of whether or not he ever legally establishes paternity, my son will likely be curious about his biological father and who knows, maybe they will establish a relationship one day regardless of legal paternity.
There is no way to say if I will meet a man who may want to adopt my son one day, thus becoming his legal father.
It’s something that I think would be nice, but nothing that I’m “intent” on doing. By choice, I’ve only been one 2 dates since my son was born and that was only within the year 2024. I realize that it will not be as simple as signing a piece of paper.
He did not legally sever his rights. He never established rights in the first place. He has no rights until he goes to court and establishes himself as the father. He is welcome to do that.
Honestly, I wish my son did have a father who was involved in his life and loved him. Yes, this guy has faults, but he has plenty of positive qualities. He is really involved with his older children.
I met them many times because they’d be at work with him or he’d have to drop by the office in his way to take them somewhere. He was always doing things with them. They seemed like good kids who really loved their dad.
I wish my son could have that experience too. I didn’t think it was an option based on how he behaved when I was pregnant. He wasn’t interested and wanted me and our baby to go away. That’s what I did. And I accepted it.
He wasn’t a stranger. We’d had a relationship for nearly a year by the time I got pregnant. Yes, I still did something stupid by having unprotected sex with him.
Even if his biological father is never involved, there’s nothing to say that I won’t marry and give him a “stable 2 parent home” one day. My son’s life is stable right now with just the two of us. I have family support.
I don’t believe I HAVE to involve his teenage children in my son’s life. Maybe when my son is old enough to decide if he wants that.
He is not named on the birth certificate and I do not receive child support from him. I have asked nothing of him, except to let me move away and not try to force me to have an abortion. I basically had to promise him to not contact him, not make him as the father, not request child support.
If he truly wants involvement with my son he can reach out to my directly and he can take the legal route to establish himself as our son’s father.
I take responsibility for what I did. I was selfish. Was so attracted to him. It was beyond anything I’ve ever felt for any other man in my life. I didn’t pursue him but I should have shut down his advances.
I made a decision to say yes and to continue to say yes over and over again for a year. I felt so good being with him. He made me feel so good. I didn’t want to give up that feeling and it was selfish of me.
We live states away from him. I doubt my son will get made fun of in school when there’s no reason for anyone here to ever know about any of this.
Readers weighed in on OP's first update, and they were NOT kind:
OP you have to face the consequences of your inconsiderate and (evil) actions while trying to do the best for your child. My advice would be to seek confirmation of the ex wife via video call that it is her and if it is her meet her in public and be honest wither whether or not you decide to seek him for child support.
You owe her that closure because you two ruined her and his kids lives.
And as a child of a person like your AP trust me affairs of parents and bastard children affect our mental health and familial security, so yes cheating affects families as a whole and people like that are not good fathers and can affect physical health of his marriage partner (stdi, bacteria…)
I am 22 years old and I don’t want to seem rude but your poor level of moral compass and judgement and intuition baffles me.
You were old enough to realize what you were doing was wrong and you only did good when you distanced yourself from him. I think yes you were manipulated but also your age plays little factor here because even I at 16 years old knew better than to be a side hoe to a guy I truly liked before I knew he had a girlfriend.
Happiness built on other people’s tears is not pure and your karma came here now. Yes you were manipulated but you saw signs and chose to ignore them for temporary pleasure and thrill.
Also having unprotected sex even if it was his wish you allowed it is a risk for a baby which of course happened and risking the health of his wife. Even if you counted your fertile days still…it was an invitation of faith for this to happen.
I hope you repented and realized how much you could hurt others and your child’s security. If I were you I would do a HEAVY apology to his wife and children.
You dreamed of being his wife and a normal family you say…if he did to her he would have done it to you too. He doesn’t love either of you he only probably respects his then wife more. Especially if he has madonna whore complex.
He is a major asshole here and way worse than you and seems like a narcissist but you are also not an innocent young girl here. I hope you do better for the sake of your child and your own soul.
And now, OP provides the weirdest update EVER:
I made a post 3 weeks ago and things have only gotten stranger. I had an affair with a married man a few years ago. I regret it and I will never do anything like that ever again. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning, but he captivated me. I was naive.
I allowed myself to believe when he told me they were pretty much just married on paper for the sake of their kids. I got pregnant and while he tried to talk me into getting an abortion I ultimately decided to keep the baby.
I have a 2 year old little boy now. I promised this man that I wouldn’t expose our affair and I wouldn’t formally identify him as the father or request child support.
I did that because he was becoming very nasty about the whole thing and I felt like due to the mess that I had created and the way I felt by the end of it, a clean break with no involvement with him would be the best thing for everyone.
I moved back to where my family is, hundreds of miles from where he and his family live.
About a month ago his ex-wife reached out to me via social media, claiming they had been divorced for 6 months and that she wanted our children to be able to know each other.
Now, their kids are teenagers, so I didn’t really think they’d want anything to do with the toddler and the woman their father was having an affair with. It seemed odd to me.
After posting here, I sort of decided that I wouldn’t respond to her. I’d just ignore it. She just sent me the one message, so it wasn’t as if she was badgering me about talking to me or meeting me.
On Friday night I decided to message her. I don’t really know why. I think it was really just for my sake so I could have the chance to apologize to her. I told her that I would be more comfortable speaking with her face to face since I couldn’t trust that it was really her.
She said she understood. I was too nervous to meet her in person, but we did a video chat. I didn’t know what to expect, if this was all a ploy just to unleash her fury on me or what. I mean, I’d deserve that. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.
It was really her. She told me she discovered our affair when she found communications between the two of us, after our relationship had ended.
She told me I’m one of many women he had affairs with over the years and she knew about somebody even before he met me, but she didn’t divorce him at the time.
Finding out about my child was the final straw for her. I told her I was sorry for my relationship with her husband and admitted that I knew he was married. She graciously told me she forgives me and that while she harbored a lot of anger towards me initially, she ultimately blames her husband.
I’m not blameless, but she chooses to not hate me, essentially. She said she couldn’t have said this 6 months ago or a year ago when she first found out about me, but she has moved past that.
She still has anger toward him, in addition to many other emotions surrounding him. She started pouring out her heart to me about their 20+ year marriage and life together and it was very awkward because what do I even say?
Her kids know about me and my son. She says they’re very mad at their father. Somehow I don’t think they’re mad about the fact that he’s not involved with my son’s life. And why would they be mad about that? I would hate me if I were them.
I told her with my son being so little right now, I don’t really feel comfortable with him meeting her kids or being involved with their family. I feel unsure about it and it’s just not something I feel needs to happen right now.
Then she told me her ex husband was in a bad accident 2 months ago. He’s fine now, still not allowed to return to all his normal activities just yet, but will be fine. He is probably the most physically active person I’ve ever met, barely ever seems to sit down, so he must be terribly annoying to be around if he’s not allowed to go go go all the time.
She told me he wants to meet my son. Apparently she moved back in with him temporarily when he first came home from the hospital. She said the accident really shook him up and he has been expressing a lot of regret about my son, not being involved, not providing for him.
So now it’s like was everything she said just a lie and he somehow got her to reach out to me on his behalf?
And she actually did it? It felt almost like a relief talking to her initially, but then it’s like was any of that true or you were just trying to be his messenger? I don’t even know if that part is true now. Why wouldn’t he just contact me himself?
I’m just feeling so uneasy about the whole thing now. WTF.