MOH/witness refuses to attend wedding the week before Christmas, 'I am new to these wedding ethics.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for not going to my best friend's wedding when I am the witness?"
My best friend is having a wedding. She asked me to be her maid of honor and I was doing all the duties as one would do. I knew that she wanted a very small wedding and not to be a big deal and I respected it.
She got engaged in August and wanted to get married as soon as possible. For about a month now she has been talking about getting married in the town she lives in February 2025 which is 4 hours away for me but I lived there and have several friends I can stay with.
Assuming the date of her wedding is in February, I planned a bachelorette party with girlfriends from all over BC to meet in one town and all celebrate her. (She knows about this) Yesterday I received a message from the bride that she will be getting married before Christmas- about a month from now in a remote town 5 hours away.
And said she already booked the Airbnb for them and that I have to find my own. I am the only person she really wants there and also I legally have to be there to sign. This is where I struggle: -she didn’t ask me if I am available in December -didn’t check with me if I can do it a week before Christmas financially- which I can’t.
When we were discussing where I can stay, I was saying that everything is really expensive and that I don’t want to pay for Friday night when I arrive at 10 pm and just sleep. Meanwhile she has a giant 2 bedroom airbnb and didn’t offer that I can crash there the one night.
It’s very snowy here in Canada in December and I have to pass 2 mountain passes and I don’t feel safe to go. My partner said straight up he is not going because it’s a very short notice and we don’t have anyone to watch our 2 dogs. There is no reception after, the bride and groom are gonna bbq and they don’t drink so I’ll end up in a hotel room by myself at 8 pm.
I am new to these wedding ethics and I understand that the day is about them and they can do whatever they want but shouldn’t you check with your made of honor? I am making it about myself?
UPDATE:
First of all thank you so much everyone for your input. I am glad that I am not the only one seeing it this way. Despite the inconvenience and the actions that she took I value our friendship and if she wants me there I will be there.
I will tell her that it’s weather dependent and will only drive on a clear day. I will also break my drive Friday night and stay at my friends house half way to save money for accommodation and drive the rest in the morning.
This is the first time she did anything to me and we both speak the same language and are very close and I want our future children to grow up together. So I will swallow this one and hopefully one day she will see my side.
UPDATE TO UPDATE: She understands that it’s weather dependent and appreciates me putting the effort in. They also finally offered for me to stay in their airbnb.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
LovBonobos said:
NTA, as they didn't contact you about how available you are for the changes you are well within your rights to back out. As to being their only legal witness, not sure about Canada (I assume BC means Canada), but she should be able to get a local person to be her witness at the venue.
Who ever is working with the officiant of the ceremony (secretary of clerk or wife of the minister)? If not then she needs to rethink her wedding. If family is going to be there let them witness it.
xhevnobski said:
NTA. She didn't consider you or your circumstances at all. She can't really be mad when you can't, or won't, go.
Worth-Season3645 said:
NTA…”oh no! I am so sorry, but December will not work for me. I will not be able to attend now. I wish you would have said something to me earlier, as I had already made accommodations for February. Unfortunately, You will have to have someone else sign for you now. Again, I am so very happy for you, but I will not be able to accommodate the date change."
explodingwhale17 said:
NTA. They changed their plans abruptly and you cannot do the new plans. That's all you have to say. They can get a witness from people there. It's too bad they can't have you with them, but that's what happens when you change the plan!
DynkoFromTheNorth said:
NTA. This is not a best friend but a full-blown narcissist. If she cared for you, she would have ensured you got a place to stay or conferred with you. Please tell her she's on her own if you are still willing to communicate with her at all after this giant stab in the back.
_mmiggs_ said:
Yes, it is normal, when asking someone to be your best man, or maid of honor, or whatever, to talk to them about dates. Sometimes it's "I'm getting married on date X - will you be my maid of honor," and sometimes it's "I want you to be my maid of honor.
Let's talk about your availability in November and December", but there is no kind of human interaction where just assuming that someone will show up when you say is reasonable. NTA