'AITA for what I said to my mom after she complained about my wife's birth plan again?'
"AITA for what I said to my mom after she complained about my wife's birth plan again?"
33M. My wife is currently 7 months pregnant with our daughter. The first time she was pregnant, she went into premature labor and had a stillbirth. It was a devastating experience for both of us, but especially my sweet wife.
She’s finally getting excited about this pregnancy, but there is a part of her that is afraid to get her hopes up in case something goes wrong. She asks me several times a day if I think something will happen and has been having nightmares about having another stillbirth. Luckily, her doctor says everything is going well so far, and I’m confident everything will work out okay this time.
My wife and I are from the same town, but live around nine hours driving distance from our families. Right now, the plan is for my wife’s mother to drive up once my wife goes into labor. She’s going to support my wife during the labor and also stay for a week or so after the baby is born to help us get settled.
My wife explicitly said that she doesn’t want any visitors aside from her mom for the first few weeks after the baby is born. She told me wants my family to visit a few weeks after the baby is born and even said my parents could stay in the guest room so they get more quality time with their granddaughter once we’re ready for visitors.
I truly just want this process to go as smoothly as possible for my wife in light of what she went through the last time around, and so I’m 100% behind whatever plan makes her feel the most comfortable.
Yesterday, I got a call from my mom asking about the birth plan. I explained our current plan, and my mom said that she and my dad would drive up once my wife goes into labor. She didn’t mention being in the delivery room, but said they’d be in the waiting room to meet their granddaughter. She also said they’d stay at a hotel nearby and so they could spend time with the baby once she’s home.
I told my mom that we’re excited for her to come up and meet the baby, but we’d prefer if she wait a few weeks until we’re settled. My mom said that my MIL is coming up right after the birth, and so she doesn’t understand why she can’t be there.
I explained that my MIL is there to support my wife during the labor and help her get settled after the baby is born. I added that my wife obviously feels more comfortable with her mom and doesn’t feel pressure to have the house spotless and be the perfect hostess when her mom comes over.
I also said that we want her and my dad to get a lot of time with the baby, and we don’t know how my wife is going to be feeling immediately after the birth. My mom started rambling about how boy’s mom always gets the short end of the stick and everyone should be included when it comes to major milestones like the birth of a child.
The funny thing is that my younger sister had her first baby about six months ago. She can’t stand her MIL, and she STILL hasn’t given her the green light to come and visit. My mom and my sister have both justified this by saying her MIL is rude and difficult to be around. This is true, but also, my sister holds grudges and doesn’t get along with most relatives.
I responded to my mom by asking why she’s okay with my sister keeping her baby away from her MIL for six months if everyone should be included. My mom was furious.
She said that there was more to the situation than I realize and that this situation is completely different since she’s always been perfectly nice to my wife. I asked what I was missing, and my mom just said that my sister’s MIL ruined her bridal shower by bringing her obnoxious friends.
I said regardless of the situation, I want to make this experience as stress free as possible for my wife given what happened last time. I said that she just wants me and my mom for a while, and I understand her perspective.
I told my mom I love her and am excited for her to visit, and we’ll make sure she gets plenty of time with her granddaughter. She seemed disappointed, but I thought we were on the same page.
A few hours ago, my wife told me that she got a call from my mother. She said my mom was crying and saying she felt excluded and like we didn’t want her to meet the baby. My wife is a sweetheart and a people pleaser and she truly took this to heart.
She seemed stressed and asked me if we were doing the right thing. I told my wife I wanted her to feel as comfortable as possible and that I’d deal with my mom moving forward.
I was furious to say the least. The stress isn’t good for my wife, and she’s already under a lot of it because of her fears that history will repeat itself. I called my mom back and told her that if she calls my wife about the situation again, she won’t get to see the baby for two months. I said I’d add a month for every call after that.
I meant this kind of as a joke, but I was being serious that she can’t be putting this stress on my wife right now. My mom said we were excluding her and my father and that they raised me better than this.
My dad called and said I was wrong to give my mom an ultimatum and punish her for expressing her feelings. He said that I was using time with the baby as a form of control. I explained that I want them to have a good relationship with my kid, but I desperately don’t want any extra stress on my wife right now.
My dad says I owe my mom an apology for saying I’ll add months to the wait time every time she speaks to my wife about the birth plan. I disagree. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Nta. Your mom is interfering and making this about her. Its about your wife. You are protecting her and you are right to do so.
Thanks so much! I appreciate it.
Shame on your mom :-( She clearly doesn’t care about what your wife went through. Her wants are more important than your wife’s needs.. so disappointing.
NTA. Do you know what you're doing? Exactly what you're supposed to do. You're supporting your wife, and putting her first. That's called being a husband. A good husband.
The reason your dad is saying you're wrong, is that your mum is venting and he has to hear it. And do you know what that is? Not your problem. Keep on doing what you're doing. You're doing everything right. Xx
Thanks so much! I appreciate the kind words and support!
NTA!!! Your wife and child are your family and they come 1st. It's a reason you said that to your Mom because you know she can wear your wife down that's why she's upset. Tell your Dad to deal with his wife and you'll deal with yours because your Mom calling your wife and stressing her out after knowing what happened last time is not ok.
I’m definitely worried about my wife feeling guilty and caving… she doesn’t like to hurt people and wants to do the right thing but she needs to take of herself right now! Thanks for your perspective.
NTA Yikes! I just might have been able to work up a tiny bit of sympathy for your mother UNTIL she called your wife after you laid down the rules. She tried to emotionally blackmail your wife. Advice: Follow through on the threat you made. Somehow, I suspect your mother took your poor dad's balls long ago and put them in her purse.
Thanks for the advice. Yeah I was okay with her request and even her being disappointed by our decision. I also got upset when she called my wife.
NTA - I’d text your father back something like
"My mother has nothing to worry about if she wasn’t planning on disrespecting me, her son, by trying to continue to stress out my wife. We’ve buried a child once already, have you? Do you know the fear my wife and I but especially my wife are living right now? No you do not.
Do you know what will happen if your wife continues to stress my wife out and place the health of my wife and my un-born child in jeopardy? This issue goes away now, you are both entitled to your feelings but by god will you keep those feelings far away from my family. You raised me to protect my wife, just like you do. Back off."
Thank you for validating and protecting your wife’s stated needs and concerns. NTA.
Thanks so much! I’m protective of her after what happened last time around