Mom defends oldest daughter's decision to younger children; 'She didn't BREAK our family, it's more complicated. AITA?

"AITA for defending my oldest daughter to my younger children?"

I have three children with my, now deceased, ex-husband. My oldest is in her 30s and my younger two are in their 20s. When the kids were all still under the age of 14 my ex and I divorced due to his cheating.

He also had his mistress pregnant. My younger two remained close with their dad and later with the two children he had with his mistress (though they never got close to her) while my oldest chose to end her relationship with her father and the courts allowed this through allowing me full custody of her.

When my oldest was 20 their father passed away and his mistress had a breakdown and ended up unable to care for her kids. She later died. My younger kids wanted me or their older sister to take their half siblings in.

I said no to them and told them I could not possibly do it. Their focus was mostly on their sister who made it very clear she would not be doing anything for them and did not wish to meet them either, which she never has.

My kids and I were all in therapy at this time. But the resentment still lingered in my younger two children, which I was not aware of because they had appeared to do much better, and of late they have been incredibly hostile to their sister.

They told her they deserved to have a relationship with the halfs and the halfs deserved to be with their family instead of being separated and adopted out individually.

They blame their sister for their half siblings wanting nothing to do with them today. Their argument is their sister was old enough to take them but they weren't and she punished the four of them in the process.

This has caused a total breakdown in the relationship between my oldest and younger two. And my younger two wanted me on their side.

However I defended their sister by pointing out she was only 20 and in college and not likely to get accepted anyway but also reminded them she had no relationship with their half siblings and did not wish for one. I told them she was entitled to make her choice in her best interest.

This led to them saying I could have and should have taken them too. That they try to have compassion for me because of the affair. But I seem so happy their half siblings are out of all our lives.

They asked me how I can be okay with their sister abandoning family to a broken system and how I can feel good about raising her that way.

They also told me I'm taking her side by defending her and because I said to them that they were allowed their own feelings but had to accept others would feel differently. Which they said was me implying they were wrong and she was right. Their anger at me has intensified now. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

chuck6 writes:

NTA- and this is a pickle. Remind the younger- if you have compassion for me that I did not want to raise the proof of my husband’s infidelity. The living embodiment of the cause of the breakdown of my marriage and family as I had known it.

Recognize that your older sister felt very much the same. She felt abandoned by the father she \had known all her life and replaced by the very children you wanted her to raise when she was still a child.

They were never family to her. Even now you are choosing those children over her which only serves to deepen the wounds she carried for all those years. How ironic that you do not blame your half’s for wanting nothing to do with you but you do blame your older for wanting nothing to do with them.

You need to recognize that all of you are being incredibly selfish to what you wanted- to what you wish somebody else would have done. None of you are ever going to get that wish. And as long as you harbor ill will towards your older- who was a child herself and completely blameless- you will never have peace.

Now you are the ones to make a choice. You can harbor blame- in which case you are guilty of exactly the same crime you accuse others of committing.

Or you can be the ones to break the cycle. How can you ever expect anyone else to respect your views and let go of their grudge when you do not respect theirs and you hold your grudge so very tightly.

aghagu writes:

YTA. I understand this is a difficult situation but your approach was weird. Those kids need help so maybe you could've stepped in in some way.

becca78 writes:

NTA Frist of all your oldest was only 20 years old when those kids needed adoption. A 20 year old would barely have the time, energy, and money for an infant. 2 young children would be way too much to handle.

Since your two youngest are adults, you can ask them if their partner cheated on them, would they be fine raising their own partner's affair kid?They could say that's different all they want, but in the end, they'd be hypocrites.

Good on you for standing up for your oldest, and I seriously cannot fathom why the other 2 clearly don't care that their father cheated on you.