'AITA for telling my mom she doesn't get a say in my brothers' lives because she's never around?'
"AITA for telling my mom she doesn't get a say in my brothers' lives because she's never around?"
throwawaythrow2929
I (17M) live with my three brothers (15M, 13M, 10M), and my ma (40F). We're not very well off. I pay almost half the rent, I pay for groceries more often than not, and I juggle having a job, going to school, and raising these three kids, one of whom is disabled.
I say raising, because my ma, between having two jobs and basically never being home, doesn't contribute. She's gone by 8am, and usually not back before 10 or 11pm.
In the past year, she's been home even less, getting home later and later. I'm pretty sure she goes out drinking. The fight went like this: My ma came home last night a bit before 9pm for once, instead of 11 or later as she's been doing.
15M came out of his room to say hi, and 13M was already on the couch reading something for school, so she hugged both of them, and said hi, and said she'd stopped by the gas station to buy us all something and gave us all a candy bar, which was cool of her.
Then, she asked where 10M was, because she wanted to say hi to him. Now, I've practically raised these kids on my own for years now. And I do my best. On the very rare occasion my mom comes home early, she usually just goes to bed.
I have 10M go to bed at 8pm, which I don't think is unreasonable, and I let the other two stay up until 10pm, because they're older. We all eat dinner at 6, get home from school around 4, and have a pretty clean routine altogether.
Now, my ma was asking where he was, so I told her he was asleep. She asked why, so I told her it's past his bedtime. She told me he didn't have to go to bed that early. I told her he did. She told me no he didn't, she'd said we could all stay up until 10.
I said that doesn't work, and she told me she's the parent, and it does work. And then she said it's not my place to micromanage the other three. she said, her kids, her house, her rules.
And then she exploded, that I could stop being such a control- freak, because it wasn't my place to do that, or to have signed up 13M for soccer, or to have repainted the fence, or to have taken 10M to the doctor some weeks ago, or any of the things I've been doing without asking her.
I told her, it's also my house, I pay a lot of rent, and they're basically my kids, because she's never around, so it's more my house, my rules, if we wanna play that game. I told her she wouldn't know what works for 10M, because she's too busy to know him.
I told her I might ask for her input if she was ever around, but she never is, so I don't give a darn how she thinks I should raise these kids, and she doesn't get to have a say in it. Not anymore.
She broke down crying, called me ungrateful "for all that she does" said she "doesn't know where she went wrong" and left the room. She either went to her room or she f'ed off and left the house, I don't know and I don't care.
She's an adult, it's her life. 13M said I'm a d%$k for making her cry, and 15M left the room a minute later, saying he was going to bed. So, am I the a^%$#le for telling my mother off?
Edit: Holy shoot, this blew up. Some clarifying points:
I don't hate her, some of y'all be out here dramatic AF.
I go to school 8-10, work 10-4, pick my brothers up, and maybe work a night shift, if you want my schedule. If you want more details, look through my comments. We're not struggling financially, but we really, really would be if I didn't contribute.
I'm not saying she doesn't contribute at all, I'm saying she doesn't contribute TO RAISING HER KIDS. I plan to eventually take custody. Special shout out to the person who thinks I should be beaten with a chair, that was a good laugh.
Edit 2: goddamn this really blew up The bed time debate of all things isn't really what I'd thought I'd ever end up being internet famous for lol Thank you all for your kind words.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
angie1907
NTA. You’re being parentified and that’s child abuse. Your ma sucks and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your brothers will understand when they’re older.
The OP responded here:
throwawaythrow2929
I feel like 15M is already kind of aware, which is why it makes him so uncomfortable. It's hard to be a parent to kids that aren't even really yours but I am trying my best lol.
agoldgold
I mean, you have the kids on a schedule, they have dinner and bedtimes, they were home quietly (one doing homework!) at 9pm, in healthful activities, and going to doctor appointments. You absolutely should not be in that position.
But you are absolutely doing better than a hefty percentage of people who actually are parents. Make sure you keep up with your schooling. You clearly have a good head on your shoulders and you could go pretty far in life.
The OP again responded:
throwawaythrow2929
Thank you- and yeah I try :)
74Magick
NTA and WOW, I know grown women that aren't as organized as you!
Plus_Mammoth_3074
Your mother doesn’t get to have you raise HER kids and then attack you for how you choose to do her job. NTA man and i wish you luck.
imamage_fightme
NTA, you're being parentified and it is abuse. I don't fully blame your mum, she didn't choose to be a single parent, but she has inadvertently put you in the position of having to step up and raise your brother's. She doesn't get to go off on you because you are doing what she has basically made you do.
Also, 8PM is probably a good bedtime for a 10 year old, I know my bedtime was 8:30 for most of my childhood and teen years. Those 2 extra hours sleep can make a huge difference at that age. IIRC, at that age they recommend like 9-11 hours of sleep a night, so you are doing the right thing by your little brother.