Mom excludes one child from daughter's 9th birthday party, 'I feel EMPOWERED.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for not inviting one girl to my daughter’s birthday party?"

I (35F) have an 8-year-old daughter who’s turning 9 next month. She goes to a small school and there are only 6 other girls in her year. For her birthday, she’s asked for a small sleepover party with just the girls from her class, which I’m happy to host at mine.

Here’s the issue: one of the girls in her year has been relentlessly bullying her for the past 6 months. She’s flushed one of my daughter’s toys down the toilet, regularly yells at her during break time, kicked her in the head (yes, really), and most recently threatened to kill her pets. My daughter has come home in tears multiple times, and I’ve spoken to the school, but not much has changed.

Given all this, I told my daughter she absolutely doesn’t have to invite this girl to her birthday. I don’t want to teach her that politeness and keeping the peace should come at the cost of her own mental health and safety. I was bullied at school and couldn't escape it for the same reasons. If this were an adult friendship, I’d be telling her to cut the toxicity out of her life - and I don’t think a birthday party should be an exception.

Here’s where I might be the ahole: my ex-husband (her dad) thinks we should invite the girl because “it’s the kind thing to do” and that “we should be teaching her to include everyone.” He says it’s mean to invite all the other girls but exclude just one, and that we’re teaching our daughter to be cold and unkind.

I get that on the surface, excluding one kid might seem harsh - but does that still apply when the kid has made your child’s life miserable? I don’t want to be petty, but I also don’t think my daughter should have to play host to someone who actively bullies her, just to avoid social awkwardness. AITA for not wanting to invite one girl to my daughter’s party?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Upset_Fail3456 said:

No f that the kid's a bully and your daughter should have to put up with it on her birthday and I wouldn't want that girl in my house.

Long-Oil-5681 said:

NTA, you don't invite bullies to parties. Life is not a Disney movie and it's not up to CHILDREN to heal each other. Any issues that kid has are not yours to solve.

sfree42 said:

Absolutely NTA it’s your daughter’s birthday not your ex-husband’s. Does he not care that this girl is terrorizing your daughter?

ThrowRA_SNJ said:

NTA. Your daughter has told you what she wants for HER birthday. Don’t put her in a position to be miserable and uncomfortable on her day and especially not in her home which should be her safe space.

Don’t take that from her. your ex can f off it’s not his house and you don’t have to listen to what he thinks about what happens in your home (obviously aside from parenting you child in a safe and healthy way).

You’re teaching your daughter self respect and that she doesn’t have to put her wants opinions comfort and feelings aside for the sake of being nice or whatever.

Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 said:

"We are not going to teach our daughter she has to politely accept abuse! What the hell is wrong with you?!?" Would have been my response to him. Die on this hill. It's especially important that kids know they don't have to tolerate abusive people to keep the peace. NTA.

Full_Pace7666 said:

NTA, pretty cut and dry. But, prep for the possibility of getting some flak from the bully’s parents and/or the school, because inviting every girl in the class but one will stick out to them. Try to prevent as much communication about the party at school if possible.

UnluckyCountry2784 said:

NTA. Your ex husband is protecting his image. Not your daughter’s peace. Please don’t even consider it. I think it will ruin her party.

Fancy_Complaint4183 said:

NTA!!!! All your daughter will learn if you do that is that the adults in her life who should protect her and go to bat for her didn’t. Why should her birthday be ruined for her by being forced to include a monster? Talk about instilling social anxiety from a young age.

UPDATE:

The comments had me giggling, welling up, fist-pumping, and more importantly… standing my ground. I read every single take, and I have to say: you showed up. The solidarity, the theories (no I do not know if he's sleeping with her mum!) the sheer volume of support - better than therapy. (No shade to therapists).

The themes and perspectives shared were powerful. I feel like I'm not crazy and I've been listening to the wrong voices for too long. Here's the update you all deserve: NO. I will NOT be inviting the bully to my daughter’s party.

The collective hive mind gave me the nerve and clarity to say, “Actually, no, we’re not doing that,” to my ex-husband today. I’m protecting my girl, full stop. No more second-guessing. No more “maybe I’m overreacting.”

No more guilt. Just a clear, calm mama bear doing what’s right. Being a parent is hard. Co-parenting with a man who has a history of belittling my voice is harder. But this thread gave me strength I didn’t know I had. I won’t forget it.

I promise to update you all when my co-parent rears his AH face again. I'm sure it won't be long. From the bottom of my 'permanently scared i'm doing the wrong thing' little mum heart, thank you. Love from, a very empowered mum who knows she did the right thing.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

instructions_unlcear said:

Oh, good for you. I was hoping you would end up sticking up for your daughter - and she will remember you defending her as the years go on.

Valnaire said:

Your ex-husband sounds like a moron, I'm glad you've chosen to ignore him. Unreal to me that he would want your daughter to feel so stressed on a day that's supposed to be hers just to, what, be kind?

Had me wondering what his reaction would have been if you'd invited the girl, and if he was just trying to be contrarian or something. Either way, I'm glad your kid has you, because it sounds like a curse to have him.

Creepy-Humor592 said:

I'm proud of you. Your daughter will have the best 8th birthday party ever. You rock.

GodsGirl64 said:

Mama Bear is in the house! Your daughter is so blessed to have you!

vivi094 said:

So happy and proud of you! Hope you always keep choosing your daughter over everything else, big hug to you both! And happiest of birthdays to your daughter!

InedibleCalamari42 said:

Take this power you feel and pursue the issue at the school. The bully needs to be stopped, punished, neutralized. NTA and I feel empowered for you!