'AITA?' 'My mom feels my sister should've married my husband instead of me.' UPDATED

"AITA - my mom feels my sister should have married my husband instead of me?"

I am upset at my mom and my sister because of something my mother said, but everyone around me feels I am over-reacting. Please be brutally honest in telling me if I am being insecure, or if my mom and my husband are wrong in this.

Let me give you a bit of backstory. My husband James (34M) and I (29F) were neighbors growing up. My sister, Fran (34F) was in the same grade as my husband growing up. Everyone knew my sister in school because she is very smart and beautiful. James had a huge crush on her and all of us knew about it. He asked her out for senior prom and Fran shot him down (in front of the whole school).

They still remained friends, but he moved to a different state for college, and we did not hear much from him, except see him when he came back for holidays. James and I were never friends growing up, since I was in middle school when this happened. Infact, I was much younger than both of them, and they would actively avoid me or involving me in their hangouts and activities.

I went to a good college and got my first job in the same city as James. My mom suggested I should contact James, since I did not know anyone there. We became friends and 3 years later, we got married. We both have high paying jobs and love our life. We moved back to our hometown during 2020 as James's mom had health issues, and our jobs allowed us to work remotely.

Fran also had a pretty good life. She married when she was 23 and her husband was pretty well-off. Two years ago, Fran discovered that he was cheating on her for almost the entire duration of their marriage with multiple partners and she decided to break things off. Fran moved back with my mom.

Fran had not worked for the entire duration of their marriage and was expecting to gain significant alimony from the divorce. However, due to complications regarding prenup, she barely got anything and is struggling financially. She got a job but is barely able to afford her own place and continues living with my mom.

James and I were very supportive of her during the whole process. Since James and Fran were friends growing up, they both have a special bond. They have their inside jokes and stories, and I sometimes feel like a third wheel when we all meet. However, James keeps his distance and has never given me any reason to believe that he has lingering feelings for her.

Fran, on the other hand constantly visits us (like 2-3 times a week) and ends up staying for dinner and sleeping in our guest room. I don't mind her coming over, but I do not like the fact that she talks more to James than with me. Also, she always comes over when I am not at home, and I often find them sitting next to each other on sofa and watching TV when I get home.

It sort of reminds me of my childhood where I was locked out of our basement when Fran had friends over, and I would feel left out. Fran is also too comfortable around James and walks around the house in just a towel after her shower when James is around, or sleep in her underwear in guestroom without locking the door.

I have voiced my concerns to her, but she says that we are family, and she does not care. I have also voiced my concerns to James, and he does make efforts now to explain stories and inside jokes if Fran makes them.

The main issue happened this weekend. I was hanging out with my mom and Fran last weekend and Fran was recollecting stories about how James would do her homework and do chores for her growing up. She said "he was so much in love with me, and I felt guilty taking advantage of him."

My mom, jokingly said to her that I wish you had the wits to marry James than your loser husband and you would have not been in this situation. Fran smiled after hearing that and nodded, but I was hurt by the comment. I protested to my mom that James is my husband, and I do not want her to make such comments about him.

My mom doubled down and said that she feels like it because both James and I are high earners, while Fran is struggling. So, it would make sense if Fran was married to James, and I would be fine since I do not need James to support me financially. She kept on saying that it was a hypothetical, and just wants both her daughters to be happy.

I did not like those comments and told them to not speak like that about James and my marriage in general. Fran chimed in and told me that I should not take the comments so personally, and I am being too sensitive. However, I had a fight with both of them, and I left.

When I came home, and told James, he also sided with my mom and Fran and told me that her mom just made a harmless joke. I also raised the issue of Fran's behavior around our house, and he told me that this is between me and my sister, and he is not going to tell Fran about what she can or cannot wear in our house.

However, I am just feeling really bad since the situation and despite everyone apologizing to me, things just don't feel right. Am I wrong here in reacting the way I did, or does everyone else have a point, and I should be more secure about my relationship with James?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

YogaLoverGal said:

NTA - Your mother’s comment was inappropriate and disrespectful towards your marriage, and it's concerning that your husband is dismissing your feelings about Fran’s behavior. It’s not about insecurity, it’s about wanting respect in your relationship and home.

SafeWord9999 said:

I'm waiting for Fran to try attempt something with your husband within 3-6 months. Also you need to tell her no more sleepovers or just showing up. And put some clothes on for god sake. And this is a firm boundary. And no you don’t care if they think you’re overreacting - THIS is how it’s going to be.

NoImagination7892 said:

NTA. Your sister is really hanging on to the fact that he liked her in high school. This a probably because she is at such a low in her life. She needs to wake up and learn boundaries. Your mother encouraging her is ridiculous. She should be saying that sister should be more like you. Financially independent and in a stable marriage.

Recent-Vermicelli382 said:

NTA, but...I personally think your sister is trying to make this a reality and your mom is assisting. She IS interested in him and it may be just because she knows that he can support her financially. Your partner needs to decide if he is married to you or if he is courting your sister.

Your sister obviously thinks that he belonged to her first and she is trying to take what she thinks is still hers. Either put your foot down or get out. This is not going to end well for you if you don't. There is NO reason for her to be sitting with your husband watching TV. Especially when you are not home. And there is ZERO reason for her to be having sleep overs at your home.

rose_unfurled said:

NTA, but I'm most concerned about James' reaction. You need to be a fully united front on this. Whatever you decide, it won't work unless he actually has your back.

rightful_vagabond said:

NTA. They're viewing a husband as nothing but a pocketbook and a lovesick boy, I wonder how your dad would feel if he knew his wife was talking about marriage like that.

Butterfly_Skye said:

NTA—your feelings are valid; it's disrespectful for them to joke about your marriage.

WanderingBull2000 said:

NTA - what a weird comment to make. I would be very icked out by the entire dialogue. Sorry that you are being ganged up on in this situation. James should be backing you up on it and your mom and sister have crossed the line.

UPDATE:

To summarize what happened, my mom made a really off-putting comment that she wished my sister, Fran, was married to my husband, James. I got really mad, and my husband also tried to undermine my feelings and told me I was overreacting to a harmless joke. Sorry for the long post, but a lot of you were messaging me for update, and wanted to tell what happened.

The comments really made me paranoid, and I did see everyone's point that James may have just married me because of his crush on Fran. This really shot up my anxiety, and I started snooping around. My husband literally makes me check his phone for new messages when he is not around.

So, I knew there was nothing to hide there. However, I was spooked by how my sister always knows when I am not at home, and why James and Fran are always sitting on the same couch when I come home. I tried talking to my husband, and he told me that my feelings were valid. However, he also said that Fran is going through a tough time and refused to say anything bad about my mom and Fran.

Last Friday, I went to gym as usual in the evening and when I came home, Fran was sitting in the living room, while James was cooking dinner. I got a bit angry and asked her what she is doing here. She said had no plans for the night, and she came to hang out with us.

It really annoyed me, and I told her that I wanted to spend a quite weekend with my husband and if she can come some other time. She could see I was upset. She started saying how our mom was just being silly, and I need to let it go since it was just a joke. I told her I did not find it funny, and we got into a fight.

She said that I am always an insecure annoying kid and no wonder no one liked me. It really hurt me, but James stepped in and told Fran that she needs to leave. I have never seen James be so forceful with Fran. Fran muttered some unpleasant things to James, and then left. I was in tears by the end of the whole thing and James was consoling me. I was really upset and spent the night in our room alone.

In the morning, I prepared notes on all thing things I wanted to ask James. Your comments really helped me get my thoughts straight. I know I was being very insecure, but after reading the comments, I really started questioning if James really married me for me, or just because I was Fran's sister and look like her (People called me "Dollar Store Fran" in high school).

James and I had a long conversation, and I told him my anxieties and insecurities. I told him how it makes me feel that he spends so much time with Fran when she visits us, and they have their own inside jokes. I asked him if he still has feelings for her. He was clam and smiling the whole time.

He told me that he will tell me the truth but does not want me to hate him for it later. He said that he knows Fran used him all through their school days, because she knew he liked her.

When he went to college, Fran still tried to keep in touch with him, but putting distance between them made him realize how badly she treated him, and he decided to just cut contact with her so that he can work on himself. That was the reason, he rarely visited us when he used to come for holidays and stopped being friends with Fran.

I told him that it bothered me that he chose Fran before me and ignored me during our childhood. That was the reason I always had that doubt if I was his second choice. He said that I was 13 when he went to college and if he would have liked me instead of Fran at that age, we would be having a different problem.

He told me that when I contacted him, he thought that I must be like Fran and was not very enthusiastic to meet me. However, after we hung out for few times, he realized I am nothing like Fran. We soon became close, started dating and got married after few years.

He told me that Fran was married by then, and he saw that I always put Fran on the pedestal and would get jealous when Fran posted vacation pictures or the new shiny things her husband bought for her. That was the reason he never told me that he does not like hanging around Fran as he feels that for me, Fran was always the north-star.

He told me that he has always kept his distance from Fran, and she was a non-issue since we would meet her only few times every year. However, after her divorce, he did not know how to act. He said that he was grateful to me for uprooting our lives and moving back to our hometown for his mom's health.

He wanted to do the same and take care of my family. When Fran got divorced, he supported her in every way he could for me, even though he realized it meant spending a lot of time with her and listening to her bring up all the memories from high school, that he wants to forget.

I told him it bothered me that Fran came to our house as often as she does, and generally in evenings when I go to gym. He told me that he also finds it odd that she knows my gym routine and always comes on evenings when I am not at home. However, he told me that he has always kept his distance from her, and if she did anything that would raise an alarm, he would have told me immediately.

She just makes him all the old movies or TV shows they watched growing up, and gossips endlessly about their high-school friends. He told me I need to trust him and if I want him to be the bad guy and ask Fran to not visit us often, he can do that for me.

However, he knows that I will eventually make up with my mom and Fran and does not want to blame him for being mean to Fran. However, he told me he will not tell Fran what to wear around the house, as it would be creepy if it came from him. I felt I got all the assurance I needed from James, and I will never doubt how amazing of a husband he has been.

My mom and Fran visited us on Sunday, and my mom profusely apologized to me. She told me she does not want me to feel bad for her comment and she would never wish anything bad on my marriage. She meant to say that James was a great guy, and she hopes Fran can find someone like him one day.

Fran was a bit sour but apologized to us for all the name calling on Friday and told us that it's just her hormones. She said that she likes hanging out with her sister and her best friend, and hence comes to our house. I told her she is welcome to come anytime she wants, but to call ahead of time in case James and I have plans for the evening and she agreed.

I really want to move past this issue, but I do want to put some firm boundaries on when Fran can come to our house and hang out with James alone, as I know it bothers him too. Overall, I feel things are good now. I am glad my worst fears did not come true, but I do feel I need some therapy in order to deal with my insecurities.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this update:

emjkr said:

Your husband seems great, but I would still keep some distance from your sister. I would not trust her if I was you.

mcmurrml said:

You made a mistake telling her to come over anytime. Revise that to I will invite you over. Cut these visits way down. She isn't coming over to see you. No more spending the night and being half dressed. No more of her coming by when you are not home.

mauler5635 said:

It feels odd that your husband said he's uncomfortable around Fran then you told her to come over any time as long as she calls first. You love and trust him, and it sounds like he didn't feel he could say no because it would hurt you. You should consider stronger boundaries towards your sister and her visits. It seems like that would be a better way to protect both you and him.

Informal-WeekendPlan said:

Please reduce contact with ur sister. Set very firm boundaries. Id suggest limiting her visits to only family gatherings. She isn't trustworthy at all. Secure your marriage. And please make it clear that your husband is not her best friend.

Also that he's YOUR husband. I don't get good vibes from her. Your mom clearly said she should've married ur husband. She's just making excuses. Op, don't be blind now. Be very careful around these people.

Shdfx1 said:

NTA. You are so being gaslit. James is not keeping his distance from Fran. In fact, he keeps cuddling right next to her on the couch. He allows her in when you’re not home, KNOWING you don’t like it. This entire problem has been framed as your having insecurities. In reality, Fran is doing all she can to take your husband from you, including walking around in nothing but a towel.

People can delete texts from their phones. You should check HER phone if you get the chance. How do you think she knows when you’ll be at the gym? Seriously? They’re either sleeping together, or about to. Ban Fran. She should not be allowed in your house unless there is a family gathering and she’s expressly invited.

You won’t be inviting her, however, until she apologizes for the appallingly desperate play she’s made for your husband. Tell your mother if she ever wishes you’d lose your husband to Fran again, you’ll never speak to her. You’re a fool if you let this continue.