Toxic cycle exposed as mom guilt-trips daughter over canceled Easter. AITA? + UPDATE
"Mom freaked out about us not coming for Easter..."
I've struggled for my whole life with my mom who has quite an angry side. She's never put her hands on us but I would probably call her emotionally abusive. I'm 30 years old now and have learned to let things slide off my back up until now.
I haven't really faced the problem head on. Well, I just had my first baby back in November and now I'm feeling very strongly that I need to address things with my mom.
Some more backstory, my mom recently remarried a man with a lot of money. She has been using this money to travel all over the world. Again, I just had a baby back in November.
I have a 5 month old. I was also recently diagnosed with OCD so germs are hard for me to handle. My mom is immunocompromised but refuses to act like she is, refuses to wear masks, doesn't wash her hands, travels all over the world, etc.
She just got back from central America this past Wednesday. I usually like to wait a couple of days when they get home to make sure they're not sick after international travel before they come see the baby. Easter was on Sunday.
She called me on Saturday to tell me that she has a "systemic yeast infection"??? and was prescribed antibiotics. She has this infection multiple places, including but not limited to her mouth and her fingernails. She sounds sick on the phone. She had planned on cooking a whole brunch for everyone for Easter Sunday.
I told her on Saturday I was not comfortable coming and eating the food, especially with my 5 month old, and especially because she has this infection in her fingernails. Of course, like always, she blew me off and said "the doctor said I'm not contagious so it's fine you're still coming tomorrow."
Well, tomorrow rolls around and it's Easter Sunday. I call her and tell her that we're not coming. This is when she flips out on me, yelling at me, berating me, questioning my intelligence and education, and laying on the guilt THICK.
She yelled at me about how much money she spent on the brunch food. She yelled about how we can "never do holidays again" and how she'll just go out of town for all holidays going forward.
She yelled about how my MIL who lives 8 hours away will end up seeing my baby more than her even though she lives 5 minutes from me. She (for no known reason) reverted and refused to use my sister's preferred name and deadnamed her on the phone to me.
Then, after we hung up on the phone, she sent me a bunch of pictures of the beautiful Easter setup she had made and the gifts she got my baby (more guilt trip) The pictures were live photos and in them she was swearing about us and crying.
After I didn't respond, she continued on to text me as if everything had somehow gone back to normal. She sent me a picture of her eating charcuterie while watching a TV show we both like. She sent me a link to something I'm interested in and gave me her login to watch it. She sent me a link to a house on Zillow to talk about.
I think this is all a part of the toxic cycle??? I feel really bad honestly for blowing her off, but at the end of the day she was sick and I really don't want my baby getting a yeast infection or thrush. The way she treated me on the phone was NOT okay.
I'm going to absolutely talk to her about it this week, I want to meet her out for lunch somewhere and tell her she cannot talk to me like that again no matter how upset she is.
I guess I'm just wondering if I'm in the wrong here... I guess I need some reassurance? Did I overreact? Should I just have gone??? I talked to my best friend who's a nurse and my MIL who's also a nurse and they both said the systemic yeast infection could absolutely be transferred from one person to another.
That being said though, I do have OCD so I know I'm not a 100% impartial person. I guess I'd just like some reassurance that I'm not completely in the wrong before I go meet with her and talk about this. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
In mid-tantrum, please cut her off loudly with “and your verbal abuse like right now is another valid reason why we’re not coming.” And then hang up. Unbelievable! I’m so sorry.
Going to see her soon and/or having lunch with her is the absolute last thing you should do. Don’t reward her bad behavior. Stay away. Good luck to you.
You did not blow her off. you told her you weren’t coming. She’s 10000% emotionally abusive and I would absolutely not let her be alone around my kid. People like that will say ANYTHING especially to kids.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
After talking out everything with my husband and reading everyone’s advice on my original post, I decided I did not want to meet my mom out for lunch to talk. That being said, she was texting me and calling me like everything was normal but she did leave me a voicemail saying “just let me know you’re okay” in an angry tone.
After talking with my sister, I ended up calling her so we were on the same page. I’m so happy I looked into DARVO before this conversation. It was literally textbook DARVO. Everything was my fault - I gaslit her by not coming over even though her doctor told her she wasn’t contagious.
I’m manipulative and abusive by giving her the silent treatment which is triggering for her because her mother gave her the silent treatment, I’m always trying to parent and punish her, I’m not putting enough effort into our relationship, I don’t invite her over enough, etc.
She definitely thought the point of the conversation was to make me apologize and acknowledge that she was right and I was wrong. The conversation ended with her starting to cry and pulling her usual final trick - saying a tear ridden “okay, I need to go…” and usually she wants me to say “oh no I’m sorry don’t go!” But I didn’t, I said “okay I love you” and hung up.
I feel horrible honestly, this is not easy. I feel very guilty. I love my mom but this is not sustainable the way it is. Thank you everyone for reassuring me on the last post that I wasn’t crazy and for giving me resources to look into.
It’s definitely empowering to finally be able to acknowledge and put words to what I’ve been experiencing my whole life. Now I just need to save my baby from experiencing it too.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Telling her you need space to think would be a really good thing to do. Maybe plan to see her for something on mothers day/ the day before and let her have that and let yourself have the space.
It's not the silent treatment if you're taking space to clear your head and figure out what you need/ want. You know who she is and how she is and it's in your best interest to accept her for who she is and not what you want/ hope she can be.
Set boundaries and learn to calmly and firmly disengage when she plays the victim. You're going to feel guilty because that's what your programmed to feel since childhood, but you have nothing to be guilty for. You are protecting your child from harm to the best of your abilities. Your mother reacted like a toddler and shamed you instead of adjusting and being understanding like a normal person.
I don’t think you should meet in person. She will talk over you, not let you say what you want to say, and just deny deny deny. You should just send her a text laying out all of your feelings and say you need space. Then you’ll have to ignore her texting and calling until you’ve had enough space.