Mom shares parenting saga; 'My 9 yo has ADHD and I can't go on.' UPDATED

"I wish I'd never had a kid."

I love my son, I do. But I'm starting to really resent him. He's a nice kid at home. He has his moments, but don't all kids? But at school he's a holy terror. He hits other kids, adults, he destroys other kids' work, he swears at people.

He's currently coming home for lunch three days a week "to give him a break from the things he struggles with" (mostly lunchtime). I work full time, so does my partner, my son's dad and my son's dad's partner. It's a massive logistical and financial strain.

He's in therapy, he's medicated (diagnosed with ADHD and conduct disorder), he's loved and cared for. His father and I get along well enough and are both supportive and doing everything we can to help him. He just can not or will not control his temper.

He's 9. Within a few years he's going to be in secondary school. What the f will I do then?

I'm not really looking for advice, because I'm overwhelmed with it from school, therapists, friends, family. I just wish this wasn't my life. I'm sick of it all. I wish I'd used a fg condom.

medicated for ADHD. not stimulants. Mood stabilizer. Another edit: I'm struggling to keep up with replying to comments (today he was sent home at lunch and wasn't able to go back to school, and I work 9 - 6), but thank you to everyone who's shown support. It's made a shitty week easier.

To those blaming my parenting / the fact that I split with his dad / me posting once on an anonymous forum, you can think what you want. I'm doing the best I can. I needed to get this off my chest so I could keep being there for him and trying to help him, so if you think that makes me a bad parent, so be it.

Walk a mile in my shoes then tell me you'd be sunshine and rainbows after wearing them for almost a decade.

I recently made a doctor's appointment to see if I could get some help with stress management. Had to cancel it because between meetings with the school, with his therapists (one public, one private), and him coming home for lunch now, I couldn't take any extra time off work.

We're in Spain, we've tried to get the equivalent to an IEP but so far we've had no luck. We need something from the public health system first and they've been frankly useless (not an indictment of the system in general, I think the issue is with the particular place my son goes to or even his particular psychologist there, but changing isn't an option).

But now the school are going to put pressure on them too, because they could really use the extra resources if the center would just give the bloody paperwork.

I'm actually starting a new job in a couple of weeks which comes with health insurance (we have an amazing public healthcare system where I live, but like many places, mental health support lags behind). So once that's up and running, I'll be able to find someone with a bit more flexibility than the public system, which is understandably low on resources after the last couple of years.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some top responses:

gratehup writes:

As someone who was diagnosed with ADHD at a later age, I can tell you that it's definitely really difficult to control emotions, especially strong ones like anger. You're doing the right thing getting medication to help treat him and therapy as well. It's going to take alot of work as well.

He's 9 so he is still learning. Make sure he has proper coping mechanisms and try things his therapist suggests. I used to throw really bad fits and having something be difficult and challenging triggered those anger outbursts. With ADHD everything is felt with extremes.

There's no middle ground but thankfully there's coping skills. One of the worst things you can do is just give up and walk away. My parents (before I was diagnosed) always walked away instead of sitting me down and seeing what was wrong.

If they would've done that I would've had an easier time identifying and controlling my emotions. I do understand everyone is different, but the feeling of someone not being there and walking away was terrible and made it feel like I was alone and just alot of negative emotions.

But please don't walk away and teach him what to do when you aren't there and realize that some days will feel nearly impossible to control those emotions for him.

aghop writes:

I totally get how you feel! My six year old daughter has Autism and while she's sweet and well behaved most days her bad days are REALLY bad. Hitting, kicking, biting, screaming. You name it, she does it. I've had those days too where I just hate being a mom.

I love my daughter more than anyone or anything in the world but there are days I just wish I wasn't a parent. It's ok to feel that. It's normal to feel that and you know what tells me you're a good mom?

You're not saying these things to your son. Instead you're ranting and venting here, in a safe space, and letting out your feelings in a healthy way. Your doing your absolute best and I know we're just strangers on the internet but I'm proud of you for working so hard to give your kid everything they need and I hope you're proud of yourself too.

One thing that has helped me keep my sanity lol is once a month I plan something fun to do with my daughter on one of my days off. Just us one on one and I pick something that isn't just fun for my kiddo but fun for me too.

I don't get to go out much because I'm a single mom, my family lives far away and her dad's hardly ever around. So by finding something to do together that's something I like to do as much as she does, then I get excited and look forward to it too. It varies depending on what I can afford at the time.

Sometimes it's going for a drive and getting a dollar ice cream cone. Sometimes it's going to the aquarium or the zoo or an amusement park. But I've found that no matter what we do, ever since I started doing that, my daughter listens better.

I feel calmer on the bad days because I can remember the really good ones and remind myself that sometimes being a mom can be so fun. I've found our relationship overall has just been better for us both.

And for mental health, I strongly recommend the app Cerebral. They offer therapy and they have psychiatrists you can meet with virtually that can prescribe you medication and then mail it to you or send your prescription to your pharmacy.

They've been great about letting me schedule virtual appointments around my work hours. I know not everyone likes apps like that but for me it's been a literal life saver. Anyways, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. You can do this!!

agaher writes:

I'm not a parent. My experience comes from years of nannnying, babysitting & teaching children. But please, please PLEASE do not blame yourself, & you are NOT a bad person or mother for having these feelings. I know for a fact that millions of mom share those feelings.

Parenting a "regular" child is already a stressful full-time job, throw a neurodivergent child with behavioral issues into the mix, that's whole different beast (I say this a neurodivergent person who didn't get help until adulthood). That shit is HARD, & it is draining & your feelings are valid.

I'm just going to advise you to be gentle with yourself, & ensure that your needs are being taken care of too-- by you, your partner, anyone you're close to. If you're able, it might be helpful for you to see a therapist too. Make time for yourself wherever you can, even if it's just 5 minutes here & there. Buy yourself little treats & don't tell anyone, just do it for you.

You will be okay & so will your son. He has a loving family & that makes a huge difference. Remember you are not bad, and you will be okay.

forazaaaa writes:

The temper could be stemming from his adhd medication, for examle it may be to high of a dosage, or maybe he doesnt have adhd at all and was misdiagnosed.

If someone actuallt has add/adhd the medication will actually make them feel tired, if someone is taking it and doesnt have one of those two things, its basically like giving them a huge line of cocaine.

Most ADD/ADHD medications arestimulates, im not a doctor but mixing a stimulant with a child with uncontrollable anger outbursts, is like mixing fire and gasoline. it could be contributing to the crazy outbursts.

On the flip side, i am so sorry you Have to go through this. Life is tough on its own. But youre doing s great job! Keep pushing, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Your mental comes firsg, give yourself a break momma you deserve it.

Have his father take him for the weekend, go to spa, get a mani/pedi, a massage, a facial, whatever you want, hell get them all. Get a hotel room! When youre dealing with something like this all parties need a serious break. Especially you!

vaysannnn writes:

Mine was the same at that age. By 6th grade he was much better. I havent been called into the school for a room clear in over two years. But it was hell those years between 8-10. I just wanted to lock him away.

He’s almost 13 now and he’s a normal jerky teen that doesn’t want to do homework or clean his room but he’s no longer tossing a room on the floor or threatening staff so I’ll take it.

Hopefully yours gets better. What helped? I think some of it was maturity, the other part was working intensively with the school to set up the IEP and his school day to the best of our ability.

He ended up doing half days, and is still on that schedule. We stretched it out every few months and eventually he was going for a large part of his day. His 3 year eval is coming up where we may move him to a longer day. But he’s not hitting or yelling so it’s always scary. I wish you luck. I hope things get easier.

And now, OP's update:

I posted a few months ago about how exhausted, drained and overwhelmed I was due to parenting my 9 year old son, who has ADHD.

Well, things have changed. After fighting for 4 years, I finally got approval to change his meds to first line treatment for ADHD (Concerta). He's been on them for two months now and they've completely changed our lives.

Yesterday I had his first Parents' Evening since the med change, and finished it in tears, as usual. However, this time they were happy tears, rather than my usual tears of frustration.

He's doing BRILLIANTLY. He's cooperating, participating, being kind to classmates and respectful of classroom materials. He's showing his fascinating perspective on the world and his teacher is delighted with his insights.

He's showing sensitivity to friends and using his own experiences to teach other kids not to be too quick to judge. He's finding his place in the group. He's sweet, funny, and interesting.

He'll shortly be increasing the days he has lunch at school, which will massively ease the financial and logistical burden. He's so happy about being allowed to eat with his friends more often.

At home, his attitude has improved greatly and he's become much more independent. His self-esteem has increased SO MUCH. He's more open and talkative, and looks for solutions to problems rather than hiding from them. He's loving, caring and helpful. He's SO MUCH HAPPIER, and so am I.

We're truly enjoying one another's company again. I just took him away for a weekend, just the two of us, and it was one of the best weekends of my life. I feel like I've got my son back.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that the drugs don't work. The right ones, in the right dosage, are life-changing.

And I know and he knows that the drugs aren't miracles. He's still the one making the right choices, deciding to do the work and learning to break the bad habits of years.

This knowledge in itself is improving his self-esteem every day, because he knows he could choose to punch someone rather than have a conversation, or tear up his school work rather than sit down and learn, but he's choosing not to.

I don't feel guilty about my previous post - I was at rock bottom and the support of those commenters who understood or tried to really helped me to drag myself through another day and keep fighting for what he needed. I came close to giving up more than once. I'm so glad I didn't.

agghout writes:

I dated a guy whose nephew has adhd. Seeing him both on and off his meds, it was night and day. His parents and doctor would have him go without during the summer and then back on them for school.

He was 8 or 9 years old. I remember talking to him one day about it. Poor kid said he wished he could stay on them forever, that he hated himself when he didn't have them. He said he just couldn't control himself or his mind. Felt so sorry for him. This was 20 years ago, so hopefully the advice to take the kids off of their meds has changed