Mom 'plays favorites' and excludes her teen son from 'Girls Night.' AITA? ' I made the wrong choice.'

"AITA for 'playing favorites' and excluding my son from our girls night?"

I (41f) have two children, Layla (17f) and Jacob (15m). I want to clarify that I love them both equally and have always tried to make sure that none of my children felt like I had a favorite child.

My husband (43m) on the other hand very clearly prefers our son. He was very happy to have a daughter, and a really great dad to her, but it's clear that he gets along with Jacob more, mainly because they're both boys and enjoy the same things. They both love football and baseball, and often go see a match together, or spend weekend playing, or talk about it together etc.

This became more important when Jacob got older and started getting into sports more. I get that it's easier for my husband to talk to our son about things they both love, but it's been making me sad to see our daughter excluded from their conversations or activities together.

My husband doesn't do a lot of things with Layla. They sometimes watch movies together, but most of the time it's either my husband and Jacob doing something just the two of them, or the four of us together. For that reason, I recently decided to start doing things with my daughter, just the two of us.

These past 2-3 months we've gone to the movies, to the mall, had girls night, went to a bowling alley and many more things. I can see that it makes my daughter happy, so I thought it was a great thing. My husband never complained about it, mainly because we mostly did this when the boys were doing something together.

A week ago there was an open air projection of Tangled, which has been Layla's favorite movie since she was maybe 6 or 7, and I had planned on going for weeks. The problem is, my husband found out 4 days prior that he had to go away for work that same night. He asked me to stay home and said that we could just watch another movie together the three of us.

I said no because this night was important to me and my daughter, and our son also said that he was completely fine staying home alone, and would play video games with his friends. My husband didn't say anything but I could tell it bothered him.

When he came back from his work trip, he got really mad at me and told me he "didn't believe we actually went and excluded Jacob" and that I was "playing favorites" because I decided to have a night with only Layla. I told him about how he always spent time with Jacob and asked if he really couldn't tell how Layla was hurt by that.

He said that I was being ridiculous and that it wasn't his fault Layla didn't share any of his interests. I told him that it was his role as a parent to try to connect with his child and he yelled at me telling me not to give him parenting lessons when I was a bad mother.

He has barely been talking to me since then and is very cold/dry. I get his point because I always promised myself never to treat my children differently, but at the same time seeing how happy it made my daughter I'm not sure I made the wrong choice.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Ok_Homework_7621 said:

NTA. It's not even about playing favourites, even if you do everything equally, you're still supposed to have individual relationships with both kids. I'd ask him not to do anything with Jacob anymore unless Layla is doing something equal to their activity from now on. See if he catches up.

WhereWeretheAdults said:

NTA. This man had the nerve to call you a bad parent when all you are trying to do is make up for his shortcomings as a parent? Oh, the audacity. He's projecting his favoritism onto you. He expected you to center your son because he was out of town and could not. Fathers bond with all of their children, not just the ones that "share common interest."

How hard is it to take daughter to lunch or dinner occasionally to talk? How hard is it to take her to a movie for some father-daughter time? He dumps a very unfair burden on you.

Now you have to manage compensating for his treatment of your daughter while still maintaining a good relationship with your son. You are correct in your assessment, this man needs parenting lessons. He also needs "basic human" lessons as he chose to attack you to deflect any blame.

Dante2377 said:

NTA. but you definitely have a husband problem. my educated guess is that there was never a chance for your daughter into have shared interest with your husband because those are “male” activities and he probably didn’t expose her to them, so there was waaaaay less of a chance she would pick those up. Also the whole “you’re a bad mother” exchange - woah.

cascadia1979 said:

NTA. He’d already be the asshole before yelling at you that you’re a bad parent but that clinches it for sure. He’s also projecting here, perhaps realizing himself that he’s not doing a good job of trying to connect with Layla.

But in any case he’s an ahole for opposing your desire to regularly connect with your daughter and he compounds it by belittling your parenting. He just sounds like an all around ahole of a human. For him to respond and go off like this is just totally unacceptable.

One_Economist_3557 said:

Super NTA, but your husband is projecting his own insecurities about not connecting to his daughter into insulting you - the “you’re a bad mom” he doesn’t really think that and needs to chill out and express his real emotions about his own self doubts.

You are also considering your kids opinions highly and make time for them both and are very considerate of their interests. You’re doing fine mom and asked son if he wanted to come with so it’s all good. Dad just needs to feel it out.

many_hobbies_gal said:

NTA, what you pointed out to your husband is spot on. You've spoken with both teens and they are good with what you are doing. You have made your daughter also feel special while not excluding your son. Your husband needs to watch, learn and maybe take a page from your play book.