Mom refuses to let in-laws discipline her child with 'tough love.' AITA? 'She had a tantrum.'
"AITA for not letting my in-laws discipline our child?"
My husband Ronan (32M) and I (29F) have one daughter (3). We've always had very clear and well established parenting that works well for us and for her. Enter my in-laws.
Prior to having our daughter, we've began to see them more frequently - tends to be around ten times a month, whereas before then it would be maybe once/twice, because Ronan has a reasonably strained relationship with them (particularly his mum).
For context, this is because she was one of those people who couldn't let him have his own privacy, constantly looking through his room, asking where/when/with who he was going even into late teens, things like that. He never completely cut contact but they've been better since we had our daughter and he didn't want to completely cut them out of being grandparents.
They've always had a different approach to discipline than we do (another reason why Ronan has a strained relationship) and it's very shouty/punishment based. Raised voices, very "tough love", while we tend to prefer calm discussions, occasional time-outs, and natural consequences.
Our daughter's a pretty good kid though, she doesn't tend to act out a lot and usually is more than happy just doing her own thing. Yesterday we went to go and see his parents, and she had a tantrum over her grandad taking her favorite toy from her because "she's too old for it now."
Before I could step in, Ronan's mum had raised her voice and said "Behave or else!" I tried to remain calm with the situation and told them that we won't discipline her that way, and asked that they leave any disciplinary actions to Ronan and I to deal with.
They were offended and said that we were coddling her, and that their methods are "tried and true." They also accused us of being too soft and that we don't know what we're doing. Ronan stepped in and said that it was our daughter, and we'd raise her how we believe best.
We left shortly after this and his in-laws think that I was overreacting and that I'm the problem. I just want what's best for our daughter. So, AITA for not letting them discipline our daughter? Should I have handled this differently? Thanks for reading & any suggestions.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
External-Hamster-991 said:
NTA and you see your in-laws way too often. Why the hell would they believe they can decide she is too old for her favorite toy? They always overstepped with your husband and now, they're overstepping with your kid. Stop putting your kids in the position to be stolen from, yelled at and treated poorly.
tinyd71 said:
It sounds like they are unwilling to acknowledge that their strained relationship with their son is directly connected to their "tried and true" disciplinary methods. They also seem unwilling to demonstrate respect for you and your husband as the parents and protectors of your child...
...who can decide upon and manage discipline when and as needed. None of that makes you an AH. I think you handled the situation well. I'm sorry your inlaws suck :(. NTA.
FeedsBlackBats said:
NTA. Tell your in laws that they are correct, you've been to soft, tough love is needed. They are now in a 2 week time out for bad behavior - stealing, shouting and threatening behavior. Any further bad behaviour will result in the extension of the punishment.
Then don't visit for 2 weeks (or longer if need be). Also, please take notice if whether your daughter is happier being away from them, if she is comfortable seeing them, and never leave her alone with them.
Trick_Delivery4609 said:
NTA. Give her back the toy, apologize to her. Protect her. Go low contact with the inlaws for your daughter's sake. They traumatized her, for sure. No one protected your husband from them. He probably needs some therapy. Do better for your kid.
TemptingPenguin369 said:
NTA. Your husband has a strained relationship with his parents and you see them 10 times a month? And they think you're "too soft" on a 3-year-old? You all have more patience than I would.
Terrible_Bug407 said:
NTA. Your child, your way. Also who tf does "grandad" think he is taking her favorite toy away. He started the tantrum. That should be addressed also. Its not up to him to determine what toys your daughter plays with.
MadTom65 said:
ESH. Why are you spending so much time with these abusive people? Your daughter’s emotional well being comes first. Your in-laws need a timeout for their bad behavior.