'AITA for refusing to pay my child’s stepmother to 'babysit' them?'
"AITA for refusing to pay my child’s stepmother to 'babysit' them?"
Okay so before I start, I should say that my son is 5 - and only in the past 3-6 months has the father and his partner been consistent in his life. Anyway - my son’s father sees him for two nights every fortnight. He picks him up late Friday night and drops him off early Sunday morning every two weeks.
Now when he first started being consistent, I would offer money to make sure my son was fed and safe. I only did this because for the last 5 years he would give excuses of “I have no money to feed him” or “I have no petrol." My son adores his dad, so I offered the money so that he had no excuse not to spend time with our son.
After about the third time of being consistent, his dad said “you don’t need to offer me money anymore, I’m working full time and want to step up more." I didn’t ask for child support, I never have. Everything my son has, all his toys, all his clothes, all his school stuff, every experience his had - I have paid for and I am proud of that fact. Fast forward to a month ago and I received a message from my son’s step mum.
(They aren’t married but have been together for three years, have a child together and are engaged so it’s easier to describe her as step mum). The message had said that it isn’t financially fair on them to have to pay for things my son wants when with them.
She has asked for $100 a night - so $200 a fortnight; to pay for his food, clothes, anywhere they go and any toys he wants when with them. I responded with, “if he wants a toy when with you, either you or his father can message me and I will happily transfer the money to one of you - as long as the toy comes home with him."
She said it was “irresponsible parenting” on my behalf for not wanting my son to have nice clothes and toys when at his dad’s house and that anything bought with them should stay with them. I agreed and said anything THEY buy for him, should stay. She then made a big deal and posted on social media about how I’m a bad mother and refuse to take financial responsibility for my son.
I screenshot it and sent it to his father, and explained the situation to him. He apologized and said he had no idea. She then messaged me accusing me of trying to break up their relationship because I am a jealous ex and that she doesn’t think it’s right that she should have to “babysit” my child for free.
I said that’s fine, if my son isn’t seen as part of your family and is just a child being babysat - then maybe the custody situation should be revised. I know it’s harsh because I don’t blame my son’s dad, I’m just at such a loss and feel like a major a@ole. Am I the a#ole????
Later, OP edited the post to include:
Thank you to the helpful comments, I didn’t put it into perspective of asking for child support as a way of advocating for my son’s rights. I will be speaking to my social worker and asking for child support that will be put into a bank account for my son. Thank you!
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
NTA it's his son and should provide food and such while he's there for 2 days every fortnight. It's his dad he's a parent. You are taking financial responsibility. You have him majority of the time you provide for everything for him and now she wants you to pay for him to visit his dad? Yea no.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes so now I would go after him for child support and he would have to pay more then he would have for 2 days he had him. Food cost wouldn't be much higher with a 5 year old there and clothes and such he could bring 2 sets of clothes with him if he has to. She wanted the money for her own kid is my guess.
Jazzlike_Seaweed466 OP responded:
Definitely confused about why she’d need that much! I feed myself and my son for a week with about $200. I also ALWAYS pack clothes for him when he goes to his dad’s as I do agree that there is no point him having a wardrobe there for 4 nights a month.
Although, I have had issues with the clothes coming back but have always just left it as I understand sometimes people forget. As for toys, before his 5th birthday I cleaned out his toy room and sent all the toys I was going to give away to his dad so that my son would have a heap of toys there.
I’m just not quite sure what her intentions were, and speaking to my ex I have found out that when my son is with them he pays for everything my son wants or needs out of his savings as she won’t let him use their joint account…
westwestmoreland said:
NTA. But seriously… go for child support. You’re letting down your son by not holding his father to account for part of his upbringing, and that money is for your son, not you. You need to step up and advocate for him so you have the appropriate resources to give him the upbringing he deserves.
Existing_Fox_6317 said:
NTA. It’s dad’s responsibility to manage this situation. She never should have even reached out to you. All communication and financial arrangements regarding your son should only be between you and his dad and if he ends up leaving stepmom for acting like a teenager, that’s on her for acting like a teenager. If I were in your shoes, I’d tell her to knock it off or you’re filing for child support wage garnishment.
AngelDevil74 said:
NTA. Step mum is very much in the wrong here, seeing how the father did not know any of this was going on. After letting him know how his partner views his child ("as simply someone else's kid being babysat").
It is now up to him to discuss it with the step mum and proceed according to his priorities. If he fails to stand up for your son, then revision of the custody set up would be the reasonable next step.
RumTumTugger90 said:
NTA. She wants the custody revised. It sounds to me like she is bothered by her husband spending time with your son. She is picking a fight to try to make YOU the bad guy and make YOU the reason that your son can't come around anymore. I hope your ex keeps stepping up and steps on this step-mom's overstepping!
FairyCompetent said:
ESH. You're short sighted to be "proud" of neglecting to collect child support. That money is owed to your child from his father. What good reason could you have to allow this?
thegaming_ppotato said:
NTA. She’s trying to guilt trip you into paying child support. I think you should have a discussion with your ex about this situation.
SHE's not babysitting your son, your EX is PARENTING HIS SON. But if it's truly a case of your son needs stuff at his dad's and he can't afford to buy it, DO NOT transact in cash, because I would bet my last penny the "step mom" will take that money for herself. Buy the items she is asking for.
He needs clothing? Buy it and send it with your son. He needs toys? Buy them and send with your son to play with at their house. He needs food? NOPE, that is part of your ex PARENTING HIS CHILD. Same for days out.
She's trying to milk you for money. Never deal in cash with people like this. See how fast it changes to your son doesn't *actually* need those things after all. Custody is not babysitting. It's parenting. Period. Your ex needs to reign his chick's neck in big time when it comes to parenting his son. NTA
It’s crazy because this is exactly what I do. I pack more than enough clothes for him every time he goes, I cleaned out his toy room and sent about two big buckets worth of toys to his dads house for him to have there, I send snacks in his bag because it’s about an hour drive to my exes, every few visits I send a new toothbrush and toothpaste and soap ect.
If my ex ever asks for something, it’s never money - it will be “hey our son has run out of …. And I don’t know what brand you prefer - let me know and I’ll get it or if you have extra I will transfer you money for it”. This is why I messaged my ex when his partner messaged me, as I knew it wasn’t coming from him!