Mom tells 21-year-old daughter she can't live with her GF, 'she's too young;' AITA?
While most parents hope that their adult children always live close by, it's impossible to tell a woman in her twenties that she's not 'allowed' to do anything...
So, when a conflicted mom decided to consult beautifully petty moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole' about her daughter's big move, people were eager to help her out.
AITA (Am I the As*hole) For Telling My Daughter She Can’t Move 1,000+ Miles Away To Live With Her Girlfriend?
A friend at work pointed me to this to get some more advice/points of view on my situation. I (46F) am the mother to two wonderful children, Andrew (16M) and Nicole (21F). Nicole was very bright as a child and excelled in her classes, and she headed into college with a plan to get a Master’s at least. I never had to worry about her doing well or hitting milestones, but the last few years have been very surprising.
She became a bit withdrawn in her teen years, more so than I realized until now, and after her first year of college she suddenly moved out from a relative’s home and got her own apartment. Then, after her second year of college (last May) she told me and her father (58M) that she was dropping out and might return in a year, but wasn’t sure, and that she was incredibly stressed and depressed and had been for years. It felt like it was coming out of nowhere.
Last fall she got a full time job and started talking about how she was happy and finally in a good routine and that she loved working. I was glad things were at least going well for her now, but still hoping she’d return to college soon. One of the biggest recent bombshells she dropped on me though was a month ago when I drove to visit her.
We went out for lunch, and we started talking about this friend (25F) of hers. Eventually, my daughter admitted to me that she was a lesbian, and that she and this girl had been dating since January and that she FLEW TO MEET HER WITHOUT TELLING ME OR HER FATHER! Mind you, she flew over 1,000 miles to see this girl that she had NEVER MET and had only called and video chatted with for a few months.
I was shocked and angry, but all I did was gently scold her for not telling me, but that I’m glad she’s okay and that she had a good time with her girlfriend. I’m very new to this whole thing with my daughter, as I thought she was interested in men, but I’m willing to support her because I love her.
The problem now is that she told me earlier this week that she intends to move within the next year and a half. She says it may be sooner rather than later because things are changing with her girlfriend’s living situation and she wanted to give me a heads up. I told her absolutely not, that she can’t move in with someone she’s only been dating for a couple of months, especially not when she’s moving several states away.
All of her family is HERE, including me and her father and her brother, and her three living grandparents. I told her she’s too young and she can’t move that far away from us just for a girl. She told me that regardless of her girlfriend, she’s been wanting to move far away for years and that her girlfriend’s state was on a list of potential places.
She said she loved being there when she visited and can’t wait to go back. She says I’m being unreasonable by asking her to stay and that she hates it here and feels like she “can’t be herself.' Am I being the a-hole here? I don’t think she’s old enough or mature enough to leave.
Later, she edited the post to include:
Edit because someone asked- my daughter didn’t ask for money. She almost never asks for money, she’s like her father in that way. She’s almost completely financially independent.
I have her on my health/dental insurance to help her out, my mother pays her monthly phone plan because she insisted on doing something for my daughter, and my daughters grandfather on her father’s side pays her car insurance, and my daughter goes to her father when she has car troubles because he has a lot of experience with cars. My daughter takes care of all her other needs on her own.
Of course, the jury of internet strangers was dying to weigh in on this family debate. Here's what people had to say:
radstarr said:
YTA. It seems like you don't know much about your daughter's personal life. And that's okay, because she doesn't need to share, she's not a teen living under your roof. The more you butt in and tell her what she can and can't do as an adult, the less you're going to see her. Have you considered that the reason she wants to leave at all is to get away from the restraints of her hometown and family?
stannenb said:
She's an adult. She absolutely can. YTA.
AgentAlpo said:
YTA Your daughter is 21 and already living on her own. She's happy and excited about the direction her life is going. If things don't work out with the girlfriend, it still sounds like she's capable of taking care of herself.
SaysSaysSaysSays said:
YTA. Hey look, I get it. Her moving in with someone after a few months is scary. It may not work out. But she’s an adult, and she’s young. Maybe it works out for her, and if it doesn’t, she’ll learn from it. As a parent, you sometimes have to let go and let them figure things out. The best thing you can do is offer your stance but say that you will always be there for her. Maybe if you offered for her girlfriend to come visit for a bit so you can meet her? That might calm your worries.
So, there you have it!
Everyone agreed unanimously here that this mom is 100% and completely wrong about this one. Unless she's interested in having her daughter cut contact with her, she needs to change her tune ASAP. Congrats to the happy couple!