'My best friend and husband stopped talking to each other. AITA for assuming they cheated?' UPDATED
"AITAH? My best friend and husband suddenly stopped talking to each other."
Something weird is happening between my husband and my best friend Dana, and I don't know if my head is just making up stories or their actions are really suspicious. My husband Phil and I are married for 4 years and are both in our early 30s. We are very happy together. He loves me a lot and but sometimes I have caught him lying to protect my feelings, which I do not really like.
Dana is my best friend since college, and we were roommates. Just to give some background about Dana, she was in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend for 3 years, but they broke up last year. He was also very insecure about Dana and was very controlling about who Dana hangs out with. Dana's boyfriend was really jealous of Phil for some reason, and they would avoid hanging out with us.
However, since the breakup, Dana and I have gotten closer and spend a lot of time shopping, going out to restaurants, etc. Phil also loves to tag along with us occasionally, but not always. Phil and Dana also get along well, and Dana has told me that if I find another "Phil", I need to set up a blind date between them ASAP. One month ago, Phil, Dana and I had planned to go to a concert in our town.
Phil was really excited as it was one of his favorite bands. I started feeling unwell the morning of the concert and just wanted to rest. Phil was disappointed but told me that we can offer our tickets to our friends, and we can see the band some other time. I didn't really want to spoil it for him, so I called few of my friends and my friend Jess (mutual friend with Dana) was happy to go to the concert in my place.
Phil still wanted to cancel, but I insisted he went as I would have felt bad if he missed the concert. They all went together and enjoyed the concert. Phil kept on sending me photos all through the night. The concert ended at 11pm, but I slept before that due to my medication. When I woke up in the morning, I was alone in the bed.
I quickly checked my messages and Phil's last message was at 11pm, saying they are leaving the concert, and he should be home soon after dropping Dana. I went to the living room, and Phil was sleeping on the sofa in the same clothes he wore to the concert. I waited for him to get up. I asked him about the night and when he returned home.
He said that he came back home between 2 to 3 am. He said that there were multiple accidents outside the concert venue, and the traffic was horrible. He said he dropped Dana at her place and came home directly. I asked him why he was sleeping on sofa, and he told me that he did not want to disturb me, and also was too tired to change out of his clothes.
Phil had some glitter on his clothes, but that was from dancing in the crowd at the concert. So, he just crashed on the sofa and slept immediately. It seemed plausible, and Dana also confirmed the story. However, the weird behavior started after this night. Firstly, Phil stopped tagging along with me when I was hanging out with Dana.
He would come up with the most unbelievable reasons to avoid going out with me when Dana was there. Phil has also been a bit aloof with me since that night, and I have noticed him spending a lot more time in his home office playing video games at night, instead of coming to bed.
Two weeks ago, I invited Dana to our house for drinks after we went out for shopping, and she also started giving reasons to avoid coming to our place.
Dana has not visited our place since that day. The only time Phil and Dana saw each other was during a house party at my friend's place last weekend. I was observing their behavior, and they both were avoiding each other. I asked Phil about why he is avoiding Dana, and he said that it's just in my imagination.
Dana also said the same, but then starts giving me BS reasons for not coming over to our apartment. I feel in my gut that their behavior is suspicious, but I am not sure if it's just my insecurity. How do I know what is going on? I have gone through Phil's phone multiple times, but the only messages between him and Dana are very sparse, and there are no messages since that night.
I feel something happened between them that night, and both are just avoiding answering even the basic questions about why they are avoiding each other. Am I the AH for assuming the worst? I really do not want to come off as insecure, but it is eating me up from the inside.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Notiq666 wrote:
NTA. Something for sure happened. Only question is exactly what. From what you said about her ex never liking him and her asking you to set up a date with another version of him that she may have always had a thing for him.
Maybe she was wasted and she went for it. If you cannot find out on your own due to lack of evidence, you need to sit them both down together and confront them both and demand the truth.
OP responded:
I also want to do that. But I feel that if I am wrong, not only would I lose a friend, but Phil is also going to be upset that I am accusing him of something horrible. I just feel in my gut that thinks smell funky, but I am too scared to open the pandora's box.
Lopsided-Aioli9476 wrote:
Have you asked your other friend about that night and see if she knows anything about their strange behavior towards each other? You should confront them either way. Maybe not accuse them of cheating but state that their behavior is not making you feel comfortable and you rather not be kept in the dark if their is an issue or something helped to warrant their distance.
OP responded:
I talked to Jess but didn't directly ask her about any suspicious behaviors. She told me that they all had a fun time, she took the train home, while Phil and Dana went to the parking lot after the concert.
Few_Safe_3700 wrote:
Something happened. Only question is what. It could be what you fear and they did something together or one of them tried and the other one said no...or might be something else but definitly something that made their relation weird.
OP responded:
One of the reasons I am also very concerned is because Phil came home really late. He never sleeps on the sofa, but it was probably the first time he did that in years. Plus, he had glitter all over his body, and I found glitter all over the passenger seat in his car the next day, where Dana was presumably sitting.
It could all be nothing, but my mind is just going in overdrive. I just don't know how to bring up the topic without sounding accusatory or crazy.
IndividualNarwhal834 wrote:
Was the glitter on his clothes or on his body under the clothes?
OP responded:
It was on his clothes and arms. My suspicion is they might have hugged, which is fine. He went for a shower afterwards, so I am not sure if it was anywhere else on his body.
Less than a week later, OP shared an update.
I had posted last week regarding my husband and my best friend avoiding each other after they went to a concert together last month. I really wanted to thank you all for helping me in my time of need and helping me with my tech questions. Sorry for the long post, but I confronted Phil and Dana and was able to know what happened.
I was briefly able to get access to Phil's phone last Friday night. I did not have time to retrieve any deleted messages. However, thanks to someone's idea, I opened his camera gallery and went through the photos he took that night. One important thing that jumped out was Dana's outfit. Dana was wearing white shirt and denim shorts to the concert.
As it was an outdoor concert, she took off her shirt and was only wearing a blue bikini top. She had some glittering fake tattoos on her shoulder and back. By the end of night, she was again wearing her shirt. So, for the glitter to be on Phil's car seat and his clothes, Dana had to have taken her shirt off in the car. I was so angry and could not keep my cool anymore. I went and confronted Phil.
He immediately broke down and started apologizing to me. He said that it was his fault that he took it too far and was feeling very guilty all month. He said that he did not want to tell me because I would have been very upset, and he just wanted to forget it. I told him to tell me what happened in detail, and he did.
He told me that Dana and Jess both got wasted during the concert. Phil had to hold Dana while taking her to the car. Dana slept in the car for an hour, while Phil was driving. When she got up, she started playing music and singing loudly. At one point, she told Phil that it is hot in the car, and before he could lower the AC temperature, she took off her shirt.
Phil said he was very uncomfortable at this point and asked Dana if it's ok he drives to our house and she could sleep in the guest room, as her apartment would have added another 30 minutes to the drive. She insisted that she wanted to go home, so Phil took her home. As she got out, she asked Phil if he could walk her back to her apartment as she still felt tipsy.
After she opened the apartment door, she hugged Phil and said thank you. Phil said that he was sorry that the hug lingered too long, and they had a moment. I had tears rolling down my eyes and asked him if they kissed. Phil told me of course not, but he cannot describe it, but there was definitely a moment between them.
He told me that Dana invited him in, but he immediately told Dana that he had to leave and made a run to the car. I kept on asking what happened, and he just said they had a moment that he felt could not control and just got out of there. After he came home, Dana messaged Phil that he should have come inside the apartment. Phil kept on telling Dana that it was an accident, and to forget about it.
But Dana kept on asking Phil if he is attracted to her and if he had a good time. Phil told Dana that he is not attracted to her and never will be and told her to not tell me about it. She agreed, and he deleted all the messages. He said that he sat on the sofa because they were messaging each other for a long time, and he did not want to hear it.
I asked him if he could retrieve the messages, and he told me he deleted them and also cleaned all his archive and sent messages. He just wanted to forget the incident ever happened. I showed him my post and thanks to a comment, we went to find the messages on the SD card. Phil was right and the messages were the same as what Phil described.
I am still very mad at Phil for not telling me about it in first place. This is where it got super weird. I invited Dana for brunch yesterday and met her. I told her that I talked to Phil, and he confessed to everything that happened night during the concert. I asked her I wanted to give her a chance to tell her side of the story. Dana immediately became defensive.
The story was the same until they got to her apartment building. Dana said that she opened her apartment door, she gave Phil a long hug for a great evening. She said that could feel Phil wanted more but nothing happened beyond that. I asked her why she invited him inside the apartment. She told me that she wanted to offer him some water and snack as he was driving for a long time.
I said that it's a really b-ch move to invite my husband in her apartment at 1 am at night, when she felt he wanted more from her than a hug. She said that I was just being jealous and crazy. We started arguing and she blurted out that she was not the one popping boners during the hug. I told her she is never going to see Phil again in her life, and our friendship is done.
She started shouting that she knows Phil loves her and he does not act on it because of me. She went on about how I am always complaining about Phil and do not deserve him. She said that Phil has been so nice to her after the breakup, and she feels he would leave me for her if he had a chance. She finally said that she could make Phil way happier than I ever could and he has started to realize it now.
At this point, I just wanted to avoid a blowout and walked away.
I talked to Phil at night and what Dana said. He confirmed to me that he did become aroused when he hugged Dana that night, and he does not know why. Dana held his hand and invited him in after the hug, and he just ran towards his car.
He said he feels guilty about it, but it does not mean he has feelings for Dana. He said he is very happy being married to me and would like to keep it that way for the rest of his life.
Although I am relieved that nothing happened between them, it has been hard for me to process my thoughts.
I feel mad at Phil for hugging Dana in the middle of night when she is barely wearing anything. He should know better. On the other hand, I feel like an AH myself that my best friend had a thing for my husband, that I had no clue about and pushed both of them to go to the concert together.
The comments kept coming in.
WinterFront1431 wrote:
Make sure you blast Dana to everyone, I'd also go as far as to change both your numbers. I still wouldn't let this go with Phil, he hid it from you, let you hang around this woman, had a ' moment' what ever the f that means...and then proceeded to text her and lie to you more. I'd ask him to set up marriage counciling and to earn your trust back.
OP responded:
Yes. I have made it clear to him how upset it makes me feel. He should have seen that Dana taking off her shirt in car was a big red flag and told me about everything, instead of playing cat and mouse game with Dana.
writing_mm_romance wrote:
Based on his initial unwillingness to go to the concert, I wonder if this wasn't the first time she'd put him in an awkward position?
OP responded:
We talked about this. He said she never said or did anything like this before. But, he also pointed out that the only time he has hung out with her before when I was with them.
writing_mm_romance wrote:
I'm glad you got to the bottom of it. I have to admit, for some reason this story had my hackles up. Usually I can read these and be objective, but my gut was telling me your friend was being schiestery.
OP responded:
Dana was a sister to me for all these years. It's always the people you suspect the least. I don't know why she would do it to me. It feels so horrible.
l3ex_G wrote:
Don’t let Phil off the hook, he made multiple bad calls that night and you and him should work on the relationship. Dana wasn’t your friend because friends wouldn’t hurt you like that.
OP responded:
I won't and am really upset with him. This is not the first time he has hidden stuff from me to protect my feelings. He always tries to make everyone's problem his own and solve them to protect everyone around him. It's going to hurt him someday. Thanks to the comments who showed how to find deleted messages. Without them, I would have never trusted his story.