'AITA for crying when my BF let his best friend's wife alter the dish I made for dinner?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for crying when my BF let his best friend's wife alter the dish I made for dinner?"
My boyfriend (28M) and I (22F) met at work two years ago. Technically I was working part-time during undergrad and he was a customer, but after a couple of months, we started going out. I really love this man and nothing has happened on this scale before, so I'm very confused about it.
My bf has a very tight group of friends. I am well acquainted with them, and their girlfriends. One of them Dave, just is married to Ellie (fake names). Ellie is an excellent cook and often hosts dinners, and everyone brings a dessert to those dinners.
I am the youngest in the group, so most times they brush off my requests for contributing or bringing in a dessert. However, the last time I asked Dave and Ellie if they wanted anything extra like wine or some sweet dish for dinner, they said I could bring one of those sweet dishes I make for my boyfriend.
I'm Indian, and even though I can't cook as well as my mom, and I'm well, in a different country for studies, I called my mom up and had her teach me properly how to make a specific Bengali sweet which is my favourite. I had my friends taste it and they said it was great. My boyfriend ate some and said it was excellent.
Except, last night, I greeted Ellie and kept the dish in the kitchen. When the food was brought out and my boyfriend told everyone I made it, I saw that someone had added cinnamon powder to the sweet. You never have the sweet with cinnamon powder. The dessert tasted like cinnamon and I felt horrible.
Though everyone said thank you and it was good, I think my face gave it away, and my boyfriend took me aside and said that Ellie had told him that my sweet looked 'too bland' and thought some cinnamon might bring some colour into it. I don't know, I just felt awful and I started to tear up.
My boyfriend then defended Ellie and said that his friends already think I'm a child and not make a big deal of this and we will talk about it. I told him Ellie asked him first, couldn't he have told her not to add cinnamon to the sweet?
He told me he didn't think it was a big deal and asked me to drop the topic on the way home. I didn't text him goodnight and this morning he said he was sorry and said my crying made him feel like an awful person. I don't know, now I think I overreacted. AITA?
UPDATE: Ellie saw this post. My boyfriend texted me to see if it was me. I said yes. He said we needed to talk. For safety purposes, my best friend will be here. I don't know, I never expected my post to blow up
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Bf saying 'everyone thinks you're a child', and him saying 'we'll talk about this later' is him telling you he thinks you're a child. Gurl, tell him you're tired of hanging out with judgemental old farts and you're going to go find people younger and cooler to be with. Please don't think this guy hung the moon.
And why did she ASK HIS permission to alter YOUR dish? That is the rudest, most patronizing thing I've ever heard. OP, get away from these awful people.
So your boyfriend doesn’t defend you and apparently all his friends think you’re a child. Which he also doesn’t defend you against. He’s also got 6 years on you, dudes nearing 30.
Does your boyfriend often treat you like a child? Does your boyfriend usually defend his friends when they do some #^%$ #%$# like this? Does your boyfriend defend you at ALL?? He should feel like an awful person. He is an awful boyfriend.
Gold_Wind_5888 OP responded:
I usually just hang around my boyfriend's friends during these dinners. I admit I feel a little left out because they all have been friends for so long, and I'm from a different culture, but they have never said any outright offensive thing to me.
My boyfriend doesn't treat me like a child. He mentioned before that due to my age his friends see me like a much younger sister....so I guess that's why he said it. I don't know, I'm kind of rethinking his words.
Did she even taste it before dumping cinnamon on it? And who the f^%$ dumps an extra ingredient onto something that they didn't make, to give it "more color". Your bf is a d^%$ for gaslighting you, and then only apologizing when you rightfully start pulling away from him, that is toxic as f%$#!
The next day OP came back with this update:
He said he needed space from the relationship. I think with the way this post blew up and what happened because of a POST, I should clear up some things.
I never asked if I should leave my boyfriend for this. I asked if this was an overreaction; my crying. But having thousands of people tell me this was r[******]y charged, Ellie wanted power, my bf is s^%$#y, etc, my brain went haywire.
Bf called yesterday and when I got there (his house) with my best friend, Dave and Ellie were there. Ellie was crying and Dave looked really pissed at me. My bf told me to sit down and Dave started with how could I make a post that most of the people in the dinner party would recognise and know, and could shame Ellie and my bf. My bf was silent, and wouldn't even look at me, and was only shaking his head.
It felt like I was a kid, being scolded by my parents with my elder sibling disappointed in my actions. That is what I felt and it looked. I admit, it was very spineless of me, but Dave went on for like a minute and I was just looking at my bf waiting for him to defend me. I asked Ellie, why would she alter my dish, after telling me to bring an Indian dish?
She said she thought Indian food would be brown. This woman has more Indian friends than me, and she thinks Indian food is brown. She grew up in the UK, FFs. And I felt so defeated. The comments, my friends, and people around me telling me his friends came first to him, not me. He said he didn't think the sweet was a big deal.
I told him I would never let my friend alter something he spent three days learning, getting people to taste it and got his mom involved in. He saw I put a lot of effort into it, so why let her alter it? Why couldn't he ask me?
Ellie started to cry and say that she wasn't being r[*****] and she wouldn't know that I put effort into it and now she couldn't host dinners again. I said I used fake names, so why does it matter, unless she and Dave went around telling people?
Bf told me he didn't expect this from me. My best friend piped up that he expected that my bf would have a 'f-ing' spine, so I guess they were both disappointed.
My (ig now EX) Bf told me, in front of Dave and Ellie that he needs some space. I told him to get lost. I dunno what my best friend said to him after that, considering I left bf's flat. I kind of tripped in the metro station, so now I'm crying on my best friend's couch with an ice pack while his bf keeps giving me peach schnapps and my relationship has toppled over.
I wouldn't have stormed out, had he looked at me once. He just looked 100 percent on Dave and Ellie's side, and acted like I was the one with the problem when she caused me hurt. If his friends come first when they cause me hurt, where would I have been, if I decided to marry this man?
My friends are good to me and are acting like I'm some fragile glass. I even heard my best friend and his brother whispering loudly from the kitchen and his elder brother wanting to threaten him via Insta Dms. I hate that this has come to this, considering I have always been the 'mom friend' to my friend group.
I'm drunk while writing this, so have some grace in the comments. Also, if you'll be an incel like those people in my DMs, telling me I'll never keep a man if I'm this dramatic, please go away. I just thought I needed to update, that's it. thanks guys.
My best friend's elder brother ( he's a doctor and is super pissed at my ex rn, because he didn't know what happened) booked an appointment with a therapist he knows, as he thinks I need mental help to not normalize aggressive behavior. I'm sorry for ranting online but I guess that's where I am.
Both my best friend and I will be going ( he had been there for some time before) and the situation is tense at home because 'dada' ( bestie's brother) didn't know what was happening and tore my friends a new one for not protesting when Dave said s^%$ to me.
I still haven't told him it was over a post and that I'm writing here.I feel awful and I don't know how to tell my mum she was right. I wish I never went out with him.
One of my ex's friend's (from the dinner party) asked me if I really left my ex over a dessert so I guess that's what he told people. It hurts, I know it shouldn't but it hurts.
I think it is partially my fault, I shouldn't have let myself be treated like this. There were signs and I ignored them. And now I think I'll never have another relationship because it feels like a horrible, anxious feeling.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Wow, good thing your friend was with you. They were Still disrespecting you and treating you like a child. You are better off, at least you have good friends, unlike that pathetic ex bf.
They knew what they were doing, they just didn’t care until it was pointed out. Somehow Ellie being hurt and crying was okay and they felt so sorry for her but you are being dramatic! It’s so odd how the bullies always seem to play victim and expect the wronged party to just kneel down and just “go with the flow”.
Thank you for standing up to your Dumba*s ex who still wanted to treat you like a child and needed a break!! A break? FFS he’s just an arrogant loser to me at this point. I hope you can see him for what he is and that he’s just not the one. You / we deserve someone who values us!!! Updateme
also, you are allowed to post about this. if you didn't, they could just control the narrative here in your mind to manipulate you. they know that. they just don't want others calling them out
18 days later OP came back with this update:
I'm again grateful for the barrage of supportive messages and chiding I've received from the internet after the cinnamon fiasco and my post causing a breakup.
I am updating because I felt like I should just update about recent events and honestly, after just more than two weeks I have started to feel good about myself, even though I feel like shit whenever I remember my ex. I really, really hope I can put this whole thing to rest and I don't have to update again (for my sanity).
Firstly, my ex called a few times last week. I had blocked him earlier, literally like two days after breaking up, and whenever he called my friends they wouldn't pick up either. I wanted to handle this matter gracefully, and unlike what some people commented, no, I did not want my issues all over the internet and did not understand what was happening.
I just wanted some advice on how to deal with my emotions and didn't want my friends to be mad at my then-bf. Thankfully, the trash took itself out. I still don't know if Ellie was racially motivated or if she just hated me. I don't even care now. I don't want a man who makes his friends scold me and humiliate me. I know I deserve to be at least somebody's first choice.
Ex came by at my best friend's flat. I don't live there, and from what I heard from my bestie's boyfriend, he said he was very sorry and he NOW felt like I didn't deserve to be treated like that. He had thought, when he broke up with me that I was overreacting and it was just a small thing I made a big deal out of.
But then a few of his friends explained to Ellie that it definitely was a horrible thing to do, and told my ex he was a shit bf. Huh. Who knew he had nice friends too?
Ex didn't say anything more after that. Just he was sorry and he said he doesn't want more hurt between us. I have decided to not contact him. I'm just done.
A lecture from my mother on dating idiot men and crying every night for over a week has made me lethargic, and on top, I am fending off 'dada' (bestie's elder brother's) insisting that I move in with them for some time because I'm not eating well (my dad said it's okay if I do, my family trusts my bestie and his family a lot). Needless to say, my work and studies are suffering.
I haven't heard from Ellie or Dave and I don't intend to. The person who asked me if I left my ex over a desert, I told her what happened and she was appalled. I dunno what she told my ex, for him to apologize. Honestly, I'm so done with that group's shit.
I went to one therapy session and I didn't feel good. I know I have to keep going for it to actually help me, but I can't help feeling so down. I have never been so emotionally low in my life and I am officially not dating for the foreseeable future.
I am planning a trip with friends after my final semester of my master's and I really hope I don't bring the mood down, for my friends who have been so supportive and have always made me feel I have family, even though I'm away from home.
I don't know what I would have done without having my best friend and his boyfriend, who keep telling me to drink the pain away and dada keeps on talking about the negative effects of becoming an alcoholic.
Note from OP in response to comments: "Oh my god!! I have not started drinking guys. I rarely drink and just cry. The alcohol thing was a joke."
Overall, I'm closing this chapter, and I don't think I'll need to update again. I'm not ever talking again to Dave and Ellie or my Ex, so I don't expect any more drama. I just want to settle down to work and graduate properly.
Here's what people had to say after the latest update:
Other friends of the ex telling him off gives me hope for humanity ngl.
He was probably "influenced" by all the comments on her posts calling him a PoS.
"I am officially not dating for the foreseeable future." This is EXCELLENT! Take some time for yourself. Take care of YOU. You deserve it. You are exactly right to give the therapy a chance to work.
Please take the time to love yourself a little more, and get used to putting yourself first. There's a reason we are told to put on our own oxygen masks first in an airplane, before helping others! Hugs from this internet stranger, if you'll have them.
So he broke up with op, basically because his friends were saying she's making a big deal over nothing. So he did what his friends wanted. Now he's apologizing because some of his other friends said he should. So he's still choosing his friends over what was his then partner.