Woman refuses to spend time with BF's family alone because they 'dislike' her, BF says she's wrong..

AITA for not wanting to spend time with my BF's family because they don't like me?

dislikeddil writes:

My boyfriend Dan and I have been together for about a year. We live in a big city, while Dan is from the country, so he doesn’t see his family that often. However, I have met them several times, and they don’t like me. That’s fine; I’m not overly keen on them either.

We just have nothing in common. I can see them cringing when I talk, and they make snide comments about me wanting to stay in a hotel if I visit with Dan, etc. I want to be clear; I don’t have any problem with this.

We are all civil and can have a pleasant time over a weekend or whatever, and it really is fine that I’m not their ideal in-law; they’re not mine either. But the facts are the facts.

So the other night, Dan and I were having dinner with a friend of mine, and Dan mentioned his sister wanted my number so that she could invite me to a girl’s weekend with her, Dan’s mother, and Dan’s SIL.

I said he could give her my number, but I’m not going to go on the trip. Still, I would like to be polite and tell her myself and thank her for the invitation. My friend asked why I wouldn’t go, and I said because Dan’s family doesn’t like me, and I’m not going to ruin their weekend and mine by going on the trip.

Dan balked at this and asked why I would say something like that. I said because it’s true. Dan didn’t deny this, just said that was a crass thing to say, and they invited me, so I should go. I said absolutely not.

Dan dropped the idea of me going (still thinks I should but knows he won’t win that battle) but is still saying that I shouldn’t have been so blunt in saying they don’t like me, that it was an inappropriate thing to say and paints them in a bad light.

I don’t think it does at all. It’s not a crime to not like people, and you don’t choose your in-laws; what are the odds you actually like them? We’re all civil, and that’s what counts. Dan is still upset about it, and I don’t really see why he’s so offended.

OP explained how she knows that Dan's parents don't like her.

How I know they don’t like me - They make disparaging remarks about the way I dress, the car I drive, and my cosmetic surgery, to my face. They ask me inappropriate personal questions; they complain about me to Dan (he told me this). They don’t like me. I’m not imagining it. They don’t.

OP answered a question:

faerieW15B asks:

Do you think they could be reaching out and inviting you on this trip as a way to bond?

OP responded:

I very much doubt it. I’m sure that they feel it would be rude to not invite me since they’re inviting the other SIL. They’ve been polite by inviting me when they didn’t want to, and I’m being polite by declining when I know it was a courtesy invite. That’s always how it goes in my experience. That way no one has made a faux pas and everyone’s happy.

Here are the top comments:

tatersprout says:

NTA (Not the A%#holes). You each have a different style of communication. You didn't say anything wrong. You did not insult his family, and you just shared your feelings on the situation.

You get to decide whether you want to go on this trip. You don't have to accept the invitation just to be polite. That's your prerogative. You can also say why you don't want to go. You're not insulting his family by pointing something out.

They are likely including you so they can get to know you better. It's a beautiful gesture, and that is what Dan is reacting to. He thinks you should hang out with them and all get to know each other better.

Yes, it is better for you to express your regrets personally instead of having Dan do it for you. Just be polite. It sounds like you felt ganged up on in the past, and Dan should be aware of that.

His family's feelings aren't more important than yours, and vice versa. Dan has chosen you as his partner, and his first loyalty should be to protect you. It sounds like he isn't considering your feelings.

Work this out. He is biased because this is his family, but he needs to step away here and not manage the relationship. It might be nice if you gave his family another chance, even if a girls' weekend is too much for you right now.

EvilRobotSteve says:

I feel like part of the story is missing, but from what you've written, and I agree, "it's not a crime to not like people." NAH, I guess, but I can see why Dan is bothered about it.

I've not seen many examples to support Dan's family actually disliking you aside from apparent "cringing" and them having an issue with you staying in a hotel when you visit, which suggests they'd rather have you stay with them. Which is somewhat at odds with them not liking you.

From what you've written, it seems like you're determined not to like them, and they don't really have an issue with you. Again, some facts may be missing, but I can only go by what you've written here.

If they don't like you, I also don't see why they'd want to invite you on a girl's weekend. If Dan's not going, then they have literally zero obligation to involve you at all. It seems like they're actually trying to get to know you better.

Of course, you don't have to like them if you don't want to, but considering we're getting your side of the story here, it feels like the only hostility is coming from you toward them. Not the other way around.

Ariesinnc3017 says:

NTA. People always want honesty when it’s what they want to hear. It seems as if your boyfriend and his family both like keeping up appearances. He knows that they don’t like you but doesn’t want it said out loud?!? That’s silly. This was a to be polite invite. And if they make faces and snide remarks when you talk, I can’t imagine an entire weekend on my own with them. Ugh!!

What do you think?