'My coworker put me on a 'hear me out cake' and posted it online. Do I take action?' MAJOR UPDATE

"My coworker (18M) put me (22F) on a “hear me out cake” and posted it online. Do I take action in some way?"

I work at a diner as a waitress with this kid, let’s call him John. John has always seemed pretty chill and busses my tables. Sometimes we chat if we are closing together, usually about school, as he started college not too long ago and I am almost graduated with my BA. Ultimately, we are friendly but not friends.

Last week he said that he was part of a group chat with a handful of other coworkers on instagram and asked if I wanted to join. I said sure because I haven’t connected with people at the diner that well and figured it was worth a shot. We swapped instas. The group chat is very normal, friendly banter between coworkers.

Yesterday, I see that John posted a reel of him and a couple of his buddies doing their take on a “hear me out cake,” which is usually a very lighthearted and funny way of saying you would get with what are typically fictional and mostly animated characters.

The entire cake adhered to that concept, except toward the end, when MY FACE (a picture that he must have screenshotted from one of my posts), is stuck on the cake. I was the only real person on that cake, and John actually made a comment about how attractive I was and that he wished that he could “hit that,” but doubts he has a chance.

I feel insanely grossed out and kind of violated. I want the video taken down, but am not sure if I have the right or authority to do that. I ranted about this to my sister, and she told me to just take it as a compliment and be glad that someone thinks I am pretty. It feels wrong doing that.

Is this grounds for taking this issue to higher-ups? I don’t know if I am comfortable working with him at the moment. Do I just take care of this myself and tell him that it makes me uncomfortable and I want him to take it down? It is a public video. I am just uncertain how to move forward.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about OP's quandary.

alternative-soup1 wrote:

This would make me uncomfortable too. I feel like he posted this KNOWING you’d see it and hoping you’d respond positively to it. Either way it’s awkward and I’m sorry you’re in this position I’m cringing for you.

I think the fastest way to get it taken down would be to talk to him about not being comfortable with your photo on a public video, if he apologizes and takes it down I’d say you may not need to escalate. If you have a decent relationship with your manager it may not hurt to ask to shift your schedule around to avoid him too. Good luck OP.

OP responded:

I was wondering if it was a tactic of some kind? Like making a move without making one? Idk, he is too young for me anyway. I think I will see if I can get my manager to help with my schedule, but because of my classes, I don’t think I could change much unless I want to work fewer hours. Thanks for the support, though! I think I will try to word a message to John now, asking him to take it down.

Capital_Win_9303 wrote:

A shameless, direct approach out in the open with minimal reaction, that serves to call him out and makes him feel like a weirdo. Objectively, it is a very weird thing to do. “It was a joke.” “That’s a pretty creepy and weird joke, don’t you think?”

Best case scenario, he takes it down and realizes he’s blown any chance he thought he had with you because you think so little of him that he can’t even get a reaction out of you. Worst case, he doesn’t take it down, and I say report him at work.

OP responded:

So I should cut the niceties?

Capital_Win_9303 wrote:

I think being direct and confident is the way to go, speaking as if it is so obvious that it was a weird thing, and that anyone would think so. This boy is interested in you, so in general any niceties you give him may be interpreted as encouragement. Just my opinion.

OP responded:

Thank you for your perspective. I have been told I am too nice and can be a but of a pushover, so your comment kind of struck a chord.

ryuu-naa wrote:

Hearing your sister's reaction, I'm not surprised you are a people pleaser. It must have been tough growing up in a place where people don't support you standing up for yourself. I can relate.

OP responded:

I am just naturally quiet and introverted, which doesn’t help. My immediate family isn’t particularly supportive in nature, but I do have support in my life that I am grateful for. I just don’t get to see them as often as I would like. If you haven’t found your support system yet, I feel for you! I hope things go your way <3 thanks for the kind words.

Mridout wrote:

Others have given some good advice. I just want to add that your sister’s comment is disgusting as well. Not only is it dismissing his gross behaviour she’s also outright insulting you.

OP responded:

Honestly, I think she has some issues with male attention and male validation? She is willing to take a lot of bullshit from men just because she likes the attention, so that comment she made kind of opened my eyes once the initial sting stopped.

Bluewoods22 wrote:

Go up to him at work and say “hey can you delete that video you made about me. The one where you printed a picture of my face and put it on a cake, it’s really f-ing weird."

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: Hi! Idk if this is how you do an update, but this is how I am doing it.

So, I screen recorded the video and sent it to my manager. We are on good terms and I was hoping that she would understand and we could rework the schedule so that I don’t have him bussing my tables and we won’t have to interact.

She said this is very odd and may be a violation of conduct? She told me not to stress about the details and that she would take care of it. I am very grateful with how seriously she took it. She had moved me around so that I will not have to see him as much and I only have a handful of times since then. He has avoided eye contact with me entirely.

Once my manager was aware of the video, I DMed John on insta saying: “The video you made in which you put my face in a hear me out cake for social media is gross and unprofessional. We are coworkers. I did not greenlight being posted online and s#xualized like that."

"I have talked with ___ (manager) about the situation and my discomfort and would like you to take the video down. You used my image without my consent.”

He responded and “apologized” saying that he and his friends were drunk and that he made that video on a whim.

He told me he thought I was cool and wouldn’t have a problem with it. He said he would take it down but never once actually said sorry, just a gave those excuses. It was deleted. He has been having to take an online course about harassment and workplace misconduct or something like that. Something probably meaningless but at least it is slightly a pain in the a$$.

The only thing now is that he has busboy buddies that side eye and kind of glower at me because of the action I took. On the bright side, they probably won’t fuck with me like that. Anyway, thanks to anyone reading. I am not sure if anyone will see this, but the comments on the last post were mostly helpful and I am grateful for the perspective that you guys provided, so thanks!

The internet was glad to hear an update from OP.

vsiceralthrill wrote:

I hope you are proud of yourself because I am super proud of you for how you handled it all so professionally! You were clear and concise with the message, and strong in reporting it to your place of work. Great job on advocating for yourself and putting down boundaries. I wish I'd been better at that at your age.

OP responded:

Thank you so much <3

afraidofwindowspider wrote:

Ugh sorry that happened. The way people normalize posting strangers (and acquaintances, etc) online is so weird. And even worse in this way. I’m glad your manager took it seriously and I’m sorry that happened.

OP responded:

I know! I have always tried to be really private and protective of myself online, so this was especially unwelcome. Thanks for the kind words!

Vinnie_Vegas wrote:

Saying that you want to hook up with an attractive woman you know in real life is an absurdly incorrect understanding of what the thing actually is.

It's meant to be more like "I think the Bee from Bee Movie is hot" "What the f dude" "Hear me out..."

OP responded:

I initially thought he was saying I was ugly lmao