'AITA for shrugging when my dad's wife told me they need all of dad's money right now?'
"AITA for shrugging when my dad's wife told me they need all of dad's money right now?"
Salt-Ship4148 writes:
(17M) might be TA, and I might be a big one, but I wanted to get people's insight. So, my dad left my mom when I was 14 to be with his wife, the woman he was cheating on my mom with. My dad didn't want me to think badly of him, but I did.
He knew I did, and he knew he couldn't change my mind easily. We always knew my parents would end up with shared custody until I was 17, at least. From experience, the judges in family court will only stop enforcing shared custody when a kid turns 17 and speaks out; any younger, and they insist on 50/50.
I also knew my mom would struggle on her own because, while she did work, she never made as much as my dad. She also wouldn't get child support because of the 50/50 arrangement, and it wasn't ordered even with the difference in income.
So, when dad pleaded with me to give him a chance to show he could still be a good dad and said he would do anything for me, I told him to keep supporting my mom and make sure she wasn't going to end up struggling while he got off easy. I told him she deserved that at least, after what he did, and that I deserved to see my mom doing well.
My dad agreed, and he paid it as child support instead of spousal support or whatever it's called. It really helped mom, and she actually went back to school so she could get a better job. Dad is still paying that money.
He knows I appreciate him doing it, and he also knows it's one of the only reasons I didn't just decide to say, "f%@k him," and never want a relationship again. My mom is also less stressed. She has mixed feelings about my dad giving her money when legally he doesn't need to, but she also knows this is the only way for me not to feel the need to help support her.
Where my dad's wife comes into it is this: she never liked that my dad paid this "child support." She never liked that I insisted on it for my dad and me to have a relationship. But now, my dad's house is struggling a bit, and some changes needed to be made. His wife's son and daughter were in dance, football, softball, karate, music lessons, and an art class as paid extracurriculars.
My dad and his wife also have a baby together. The wife's kids had to cut two activities because they can't afford it anymore. It pisses his wife off because if dad wasn't paying the money, they could still afford those things.
She told me I should stop obligating my dad to support my mom because they need it more, and my mom isn't their problem. I told her she and her kids are not my problem. She told me they're my family while my mom is not her or her kids' family or my dad's anymore.
I told her she and her kids are dad's family, but not mine. She told me they need all of dad's money right now before more things need to be cut back on. I shrugged in response. She told me I was so callously flippant, and it wasn't a good look to care so little about my siblings' lives (only one of her kids, the baby, is technically my half-sibling). AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
FantasticCabinet2623 writes:
NTA. The f^#k did she expect, sleeping with a married man? She can get a second job if money is a problem.
OP responded:
She expected it to be like a lot of times where that happens when the man just doesn't give a f%@k about the hurt he caused and does no damage control and takes care of her and her people instead. She didn't expect dad to be so bothered by me losing respect for him with his affair and leaving mom like he did.
Tight-Shift5706 asks:
OP, is step mother employed?
OP responded:
Yes, but not full time or even really part time. She works a little to get money for hobbies and nothing else. I think it's probably more to get out of the house. She had a full time job before she and my dad made things official.
zlittle16 says:
Absolutely NTA. Dad didn't have to agree to pay your mom to buy your acceptance and step mom should have spoke up then if it was a problem. She probably did but didn't push it so dad's conscience could be eased. Step mom is paying the price for cheating with a married man and dad is suffering for his part too. Karma is a b%^*h.
Salt-Ship4148 OP responded:
I think it's more likely she spoke up, dad did it anyway and she was like fuck it, not going to end things now when we've come this far. Maybe she thought it wouldn't last as long. But I think there's a reason she wants the request to stop to come from me.
I still don’t understand why your dad should pay for her kids having too many expensive hobbies. Don’t they have a father?
Salt-Ship4148 OP responded:
I never hear about their fathers (and it's pretty clear they have two different fathers). She expects dad to pay/help pay for that stuff because he married her and took on her two kids.
NTA sorry for laughing at your stepmom. Out of curiosity: how long daddy will continue paying? Until you are 18 or until mom graduates?
Salt-Ship4148 OP responded:
For me it's until mom graduates. It's what I feel he owes. I can't technically make him pay that long though.
You can't make him pay at all but he's doing it for you. Have this conversation with your dad so he knows that's what is important to you. He may be planning on stopping when you turn 18.
Salt-Ship4148 OP responded:
He already knows what I expect. I made myself clear about it before. Especially once mom started school.
It a bit personal and you don’t have to answer, but do you find it has helped your relationship with your father? That he’s stuck by his commitment? Or are you at the stage where you’ll never forgive him?
Because at the end of the day this could be the very fine thread that’s holding you and your father together and she has no right to fuck with that.
Salt-Ship4148 OP responded:
It helped to have him actually follow through. The fact he didn't drop it after a year or something was big. It made me see him as less of an awful person and won him a little respect back. Sticking to it until mom finishes school will help a lot more too.