'My ex boyfriend found out the truth behind my 'cheating' and he's extremely upset.' UPDATED

Giving someone the gift of the truth years after the fact can be a mixed bag, depending on what the truth you're revealing is.

In a popular post on the AITAH subreddit, a woman shared her story of reconnecting with her first love, and revealing the truth about her "cheating." She wrote:

"My ex boyfriend found out the truth behind my 'cheating' and he's extremely upset now."

I realize it's impossible to try to describe what happened in the title. Just gonna clarify that it is nothing like it sounds, and that the post is long. Okay, when I (34F) was fourteen, I finally got my life back on track after a rough childhood. I lost my dad, was bullied in school and bla bla bla, and simply had some rough years.

But I changed schools, I met my group of friends and someone who a couple of months later became my first boyfriend, Tomás (34M now). I was real happy, I felt like I had found my place finally. I was doing good in school, had a job, and at least two weekends at month, my group of friends and I would leave the town to go to a city in the coast or the capital city, just two or three hours away by car.

I'm from Argentina, and we would go to see our favorite national rock bands. We loved it, we were big big fans. It was the coolest thing to do back then in my country. Doing pogo, pushing people to get to the front fence, screaming the lyrics, etc. It doesn't seem important, but it is.

Basically, when I was sixteen, my friend group and I head to the capital to go see one of our favorite bands, Callejeros at a place called Cromañón. I'm not gonna explain what happened, just gonna say that the biggest tragedy of rock happened that night. Lots of victims and lots of people that ended up hurt. I ended up hurt, I still have a big scar on my thigh. Two of my closest friends passed away that night.

It was a big big mess. I can never explain what I felt. I remember I started to go out every weekend, I would get drunk up my a*s. I avoided talking about it at all. I would leave the room when someone even spoke about it, I kept pretending that everything was fine. That I was fine. In case you're wondering, getting alcohol in Latinoamérica being a minor is not hard, much less in a small town.

Plus, I'm from a town where, for some reason we also go out on Thursdays, and in Latinoamérica, we usually leave clubs and parties around 6:00 A.M. On Fridays, I would show up drunk at school. But that was common, so no one realized. Tomás was there, supporting me through everything.

Working hard to get a smile out of me every day, trying to get me to open up, but not pushing me too much either, hugging me when I needed too. And well, our relationship grew stronger, despite me going into a darker hole. When we graduated, we moved to the same city to keep studying, and I decided that it was time for me to cut the bulls**t.

I got a part time job and worked hard to get the best grades, got new friends, stopped partying so much. I thought I was fine, or at least I wanted to convince myself that I was, but with time, I realize that I wasn't. We were like 20, and I remember I started to drink again.

I hated myself, I felt miserable, I had nightmares with that night, and I felt even worse because I thought I was being like ungrateful. I survived at least, in my mind, feeling like this was pathetic. Mental health, well, we didn't speak much about it then. It was a taboo to go to therapy. During this time, I started to treat Tomás bad. I was mistreating him.

No, I never hit him or anything like that, but I would often yell at him or call him names when he was just trying to help. I kept pushing him away. I realized he deserved better than me. Tomás was always an angel, of course he did. It did not make sense to me why he was still supporting me.

When he found me passed out after so much drinking on the floor, he would take me to the bathroom, bathe me, dress me and put me on bed, cook me, clean my apartment. It only made me felt worse, I had a great man, and I was treating him like s**t. He simply deserved better than me. I tried to tell him that we needed to break up, but he refused.

Tomás refused and told me he would stick next to me no matter what. But I only got worse, and I felt like I was going to drag him with me, and I couldn't stand the idea of seeing him with me. So after thinking it, I made a choice. I did the only thing I knew he wouldn't forgive. Well, I told him I did it. I told him I cheated on him with a guy from my work. A friend he was jealous of.

He was upset, confused, angry, sad and felt betrayed, of course. It was heartbreaking to see him like that, but I knew it was necessary. He was much better without me, I was just a dead weight back then. Anyway, he left. I simply did not see him again afterwards. I didn't call him either, didn't search for him even though I wanted to. After I graduated, I got a full time job, and I got tired of feeling miserable.

My mom got me in contact with survivors. I'm going to clarify, many survivors had k**led themselves or tried to, most of us ended up with serious mental health issues as you can see, and they ended up convincing me to start therapy. I stopped drinking for good, and well, it was all really hard. Finally stop avoiding reality and facing my problems, accepting that I needed help.

All the process of opening up was hard, but worth it. Countless are the nights were I just stared at the phone, wondering if I should call Tomás or not. I wanted to call him, tell him I had lied, apologize for everything and thank him for everything he did for me. I have to say, Tomás did call to check up a few times, but I always decided not to pick up.

I heard a lot of voicemails of him while he was drunk, asking how I could do that to him, but he would still say that he loved me and he asked me how I was. I forced myself to never answer. With time, his calls stopped, I got better and started to go back to my old self slowly. I started dating again, started to have more fun and eventually got married and had a daughter.

Life did got better for me, but all that goes up, goes down, and my husband ended up cheating on me. Karma's a b**ch, I know. I divorced him, and I was able to buy my own house and got primary custody of our daughter. My daughter has been the light of my eyes and, even with everything that happened lately, for her, I would never let myself fall into that depression again. I was and still am happier than ever.

Anyway, I got in contact again with Tomás like five months ago. He found me on Instagram and just send me a DM, and we started to chat, to catch up about life. He also had a kid, a five years old son, but he's not with his mother. It was a product of a one night thing, and they have a good co-parenting relationship. He has him two weeks at month. The thing is, we started to meet up again.

Just as friends at first, but then we started to hook up. We would go on dates, but we never talked about the cheating. But finally, I confessed that my feelings for him were back. Tomás told me he was feeling the same, but he wasn't sure about starting anything again with someone who had cheated.

That's when I chose to finally open up about what happened in the past, about how I was feeling and how I didn't want to drag him with me, so that's why I chose to lie about cheating on him. Tomás was shocked. He got upset and I remember how he left. He called me later and told me I shouldn't have lied to him about something like cheating, that I should have just tell him that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

I explained again my side, and told him I rather him to think real bad of me, to be real sad for a while but eventually move on, than to drag him with me, to my dark hole. He just told me that he was an adult that could make his own choices, and that he just wanted to be there for me. I told him I didn't regret what I did, but I apologized for hurting him and hand up, and we haven't talked ever since.

He called me yesterday, but I didn't pick up. I wasn't ready to talk with him yet. I have been processing all this information. Despite not being the best way, all this years I believed I had made him a favor with this. That even though it hurt him, it was the best for him. Also, I was not even close to be good enough to be in a relationship.

I honestly don't know. I do know it wasn't the best way, but I had no strange to reject him. I knew he would have been able to convince me that he wanted to stay with me despite everything.

The internet had a lot to say in response to OP's quandary.

obnoxious_pauper wrote:

YTA. Justifying your behaviors through explaining trauma after the fact so you don't have to hold the bag anymore is crap. Now he feels like garbage twice, and you don't have the baggage anymore. Good luck OP.

OP responded:

I didn't actually write my trauma to justify my actions, but to explain why I thought it was the best choice. Explaining and justifying are two different things. Back then I felt like a dead weight to him, and like I've said, at least for me, the last thing I wanted to do was to drag someone I loved so much with me to a dark place.

Of course, he felt like crap when I told him I cheated (which, like I said, I did not), but in my mind back then, it was better than for him to stay with me. Even if I had broken up with him, he would have stayed around because he is and always has been an awesome guy, but to me, he deserved better.

A toxic relationship can only ruin you if you stay there. The "cheating" was like ripping a bandaid, it hurt, but he will eventually feel better. Now, a toxic relationship will progressively ruin you.

evil-mouse wrote:

Your intention was good. But you made a mistake in how you've handled it. Not only lying, but pushing away. You are a survivor, you have fought out of a very dark place, but with him by your side you would have had a easier fight.

Now you two are here again. You can both disagree with if you should or should not have pushed him away. But you can get back together. You have been in a very dark place. Time to enjoy your life again, with Tomas. Call him. Be with him. And be honest with him from now on. He is still there for you.

OP responded:

I have my daughter during the week days, while her father has her on weekends. I've already told him we should meet on Saturday. I just felt like we needed to speak face to face, and I didn't want my daughter to be around it. But thanks for the comment.

LovesDeanWinchester wrote:

Oh my goodness. I remember this. It's the Cromañón Nightclub Fire. This is way beyond Reddit! You may have PTSD and severe survivors guilt. You really need professional help, OP.

OP responded:

Look, I did went to therapy for years. I don't have PTSD, I have talked to survivors that have it. I do have depression and anxiety, and like I said in the post, I started therapy once I graduated and the survivors I spoke to convinced me to start because it was the best thing to do.

I only wrote what happened to explain how my mind was working back then, I'm not asking advice for that. We're on reddit, this is too serious. After years in therapy, I put it behind eventually. I wouldn't have married and I wouldn't have a daughter if it were the case.

Reasonable_Ruin_3760 wrote:

You have PTSD. Me too but from another situation. See à psy (à good one) I only saw one 20 years after the fact and it helped me a lot, too understand my behaviour. Best wishes.

OP responded:

No, I don't. I got professional help YEARS ago. Like I said in several comments, I only mentioned the tragedy to explain what I was going through and why I thought at the time that it was the best choice for both of us. With time, I got much much better. I did developed depression and anxiety, but therapy, good friends and my mom helped me to get back to my feet.

Five days later, OP jumped on with an update.

I’m going to start by clarifying that everything I wrote about Cromañón tragedy I only wrote it for context. It was over 19 years ago. I only wrote it to explain the place where I was, how my mind worked and how I was feeling. I would NEVER EVER come to ask advice about something like that on Reddit, come on. Be serious for the love of god.

I’m saying this for all the people that acted like psychiatrists and psychologists and even tried to make a diagnosis out of a Reddit post. Seriously, even if it was with good intentions, is dangerous and really irresponsible to do so. I don’t have PTSD, I searched for professional help after graduating university. I graduated 13 years ago.

I saw psychiatrists and psychologists, and I never got diagnosed with PTSD. I had depression and anxiety. I could never explain the amount of pain I felt after the tragedy, and how it only got worse because I didn't search for help right away. It took a lot of work, but years on therapy and support from friends and family finally made me get back to my old self.

Not fully like I wanted to, but on a point, I didn't even recognize myself. I'm saying that for the ones who told me I was toxic, and I guess I was on a point. But the others were never the problem, I was so self-destructive back then that I thought the best would be to push everyone again. But like I said, that was so long ago. And I'm not even close to be like that.

I repeat, I wouldn't be so irresponsible to get into another relationship, get married and have a child. When Tomás and I first started to date again, it was like the first years of our relationship. Healthy, fun and full of love. Not like the last year of our relationship, that was definitely the worst year of my life. I've talked about it in therapy for years and years, and I put it behind me years ago.

Now is just something that marked me but that is my past. It left me lots and lots of problems, but well, it is what it is. I survived and should be thankful for it. Anyway, now to the point. Tomás and I met up on Saturday, and things went well. We had a long long talk. Like, we talked for hours about everything.

He opened up about how hurt he felt, how awful the months after our break up was and how he felt like I was making the choice for him. I told him that I was not only doing it for him, but also for me. I couldn't be in a relationship back then. How could I? Traumatized for whatever reason I was, back then I was so self-destructive and not nice to be around.

I also told him how he might have wanted to stay, but I didn't want him to. I reminded him that I tried to break up with him many times, and he simply wouldn't listen to my reasons and apologized for it, but he also explained how he loved me more than anything and couldn't leave in that situation. And how even after he thought I had cheated, he was scared about me trying to k*ll myself.

Every time there was a news about one the survivors of Cromañón that had killed themselves, he would freak out thinking it was me. I told him I loved him so much back then and now, but at least for me, it was not healthy to maintain a relationship, it was toxic and it wouldn't have helped any of us at all.

We apologized to each other, and I clarified that I want to leave all of this behind and to just be us, to finally put this in the past. He agreed. We cried but it was tears of happiness. I hadn't been so happy in a while, I guess deep down it was what I always wanted, ever since we broke up. To be okay again and to be like we used to.

I guess that I never stopped loving him, and he never stopped loving me. I always wonder where he was or if he was okay, wonder what would've happen if things had been different. But now I don't have to wonder anymore, because we're together now and that's all that matters. But, one step at a time.

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

trailgumby wrote:

I'm glad you've found each other again. And I'm glad you're both in a healthy space. Like you say, one step at a time. 💕

Old_Length7525 wrote:

I just want to say, from California, that I’m glad you and Tomas found your way back to each other. You know your own mind (then and now) better than anyone. You knew back then that you were in no position to be dating anyone. I understand that. I’m still struggling from a divorce and I’m in no position to be dating anyone right now.

You tried to explain all this to Tomas at the time, but he was too good and too nice to abandon you. But you knew the one way to drive him away for his own good. But instead of actually cheating, you just told him you cheated. It was effective and yet you silently honored him by not actually cheating. That’s the point I’d focus on. He was selfless back then but so were you.

It’s not unreasonable for others (and Tomas) to question what you did. But everyone’s life follows a different path. It may have been wrong and unfair to Tomas, but you did it with good intentions. Now that you’re back together, commit to being honest. No more hidden agendas. Just talk openly with each other and work on making the next part of your life the best that it can be. Good luck.

Gleneral wrote:

YTA. Be real. You asked the Internet for a consensus and received one. What you did was an AH move, however you justify it. Kinda glad you worked things out, kinda worried he'd be better off without you. You denied him the opportunity to be by your side and support you, now you both have kids with someone else.

Great story, 2/10, look forwards to hearing how you explain that to the kids. What you did was for you, not for him, you'd have both been better off together if you really loved each other. Hope this is ragebait, otherwise it's just f**king sad.

Jokester_316 wrote:

I'm glad that you and Tomas met. Worked things out and were able to leave the past in the past. I truly hope that the two of you can rekindle your relationship. Take things slow. There are now two children involved. Good luck in your future endeavors.